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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sticking to punishments?

20 replies

Treesaregreen1 · 23/12/2023 22:30

Quick backstory - H left 3 years ago, barely sees our 3 DC, (maybe once a month). (10,8,6). I never say anything bad about H, just that we are still friends and both love them etc… In reality he broke my heart but I have been so conscious for them not be privy to the details.

The DC literally don’t stop arguing. I know all siblings argue, (heck I know I did). But this is relentless, literally from the minute they wake up to when they go to bed. It is draining the life out of me. I definitely became more leniant when H left because of the guilt I felt for them.

At 10pm - DC 10 and 8 should have been asleep but we’re arguing non stop. I’m long story short, after a telling off I told the they are not having their Xmas Eve boxes tomorrow. And if it continues tomorrow they can sit and watch DC 6 open his presents on Xmas morning.

it was Xmas time when H left, so the enthusiasm and excitement I used to have for Xmas just isn’t sparked in me anymore but I have tried so hard to make it everything they want. In response to the Xmas Eve boxes, DC 10 said she hates her life, I’m the worst mum in the world, dad left because of me (not true).

YABU - it’s Xmas Eve, let it go
YANBU - you need to stick to what you say

I could honestly cry. I just want Christmas to be over and be back at work. I used to be so fun and lighthearted with the DC and now it’s just tense, telling off, them answering back and bickering / fighting.

OP posts:

Hipnotised · 23/12/2023 22:36

Hopefully you didn't go from nothing to that threat. You have to leave them something to work at to earn it back.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 23/12/2023 22:40

Go and talk to them, turn everything off, speak quietly and say 'Mummy was a bit tired and sad, let's have a hug and watch a film in bed, I love you all let's sort it all out so we can enjoy Christmas'. Make hot chocolate or something and get them all and you u der a blanket! They are picking up on your stress and will have difficulty feelings about their Dad too. There's no harm in being honest in a simple way so they don't blame themselves and equally it's OK for them to see you do have feelings. Take control and tell each of them one thing you are so proud of. Don't beat yourself up.

Original poster

Treesaregreen1 · 23/12/2023 22:42

No it wasn’t straight to that, it’s been going on all evening. I must have gone upstairs 10 times since they were sent to bed

OP posts:

Hubblebubble · 23/12/2023 22:43

Tell them they can earn their Xmas eve boxes back by being nice to each other and you. Fighting and bickering or being rude to you = no Xmas eve box.

Ofcourseshecan · 23/12/2023 22:44

YANBU, OP. You’re doing a terrific job keeping the family fed and housed. And you’re going above and beyond by being so polite about your worthless XH to avoid upsetting DC. Sending you a hug xx

NightisdarkandfullofterrorsGOT · 23/12/2023 22:44

Very good advice - give all of you some extra love you all deserve it, especially you.

Hubblebubble · 23/12/2023 22:44

Boundaries make children feel safe. Following through if they do fight/bicker again will ultimately be in their best interest.

43ontherocksporfavor · 23/12/2023 22:46

Only make realistic threats and stick to them. Give them some way of coming back. Otherwise they have nothing to lose.

AuntMarch · 23/12/2023 22:46

Hopefully they're asleep now, but I'd do what pp said in the morning. And maybe try and set them up with individual tasks/activities for a bit to get a break from each other!

Original poster

Treesaregreen1 · 23/12/2023 22:48

I know you’re right @PTSDBarbiegirl but it’s like I can’t physically say out loud I’m sad. I was so heartbroken for so long, I’ve ended up surpressing my feelings so I can function. Everyone says I’m so strong & amazing but really I just won’t allow myself to delve into my emotion because I don’t want to go back to how I was. Even saying this is a milestone, I think Xmas is bringing things to the surface

OP posts:

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 23/12/2023 22:48

What were they arguing about and how were you dealing with it all day and evening? Was it the same thing? Did you manage the argument / try to end it? What activities were they doing all day?

Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2023 22:48

Do the children have their own space to escape to?

You need to sort the fighting - it’s not good for any of you. I know it’s easier said than done but they are young enough to get a handle on it.

I fought with my sister and my
mum did fuck all and it was awful for years.

Reasons will all be different but you can make a change and you’ll all feel better and be closer.

Nasahoodie · 23/12/2023 22:50

It wouldn't surprise me if your kids also have all that pent up anxiety about Christmas that you do if they're dad abandoned them at Christmas.

How much do you talk with them about their dad and how you're feeling? Sounds like you could do with having a chat with them. Reassure them they are loved, but you find it hard too.

OnBronze · 23/12/2023 22:50

Give them an off-ramp. Let them absorb the message, but give them the opportunity to put things right.

Good luck OP. I bet you're doing a brilliant job, and I hoe you have a good Christmas.

Original poster

Treesaregreen1 · 23/12/2023 22:54

The 2 eldest share a room, not ideal but need to work with what I have. They argue over one singing, one of them mumbling, one of them tapping on the wall, someone turning the light on, someone staring at the other one. Just utter nonsense.

they don’t actually know he left at Xmas, they weren’t aware until a few months later (covered it with him working away). Then it was very gradual, they don’t know he abandoned us. They think we mutually decided just to be friends.

OP posts:

PTSDBarbiegirl · 23/12/2023 22:57

Treesaregreen1 · 23/12/2023 22:48

Totally get this, I know this feeling but with hindsight I can see that it might have been beneficial to show that I was having emotions too and say in simple terms to dc. I bottled everything up and years later self combusted. I learned to say 'I felt a bit tired and sad when you shouted but we can fix this, let's........' they are probably needing a cry too. You're doing a great job but you can't protect the DC from the truth about being let down by Dad. It's not you that's caused that. Sometimes naming something for dc can help them to see they can get past it and they are safe with their Mum. I'd give an opportunity to still get the boxes etc and start them off by supporting what you want them to do, an easy achieveable short task. Then be visibly happy and proud when they do it making a big deal of 'you did what I asked, I feel proud'.

Original poster

Treesaregreen1 · 23/12/2023 22:57

we Talk about him regularly, facilitate phone calls etc… his family are very much involved. They aren’t aware of the trauma he caused me & I don’t want to open them up to that which is why it’s so difficult to talk honestly with them about me feeling how I am

OP posts:

PTSDBarbiegirl · 23/12/2023 23:01

I'm so sorry you're having this upset, it's horrible. Your dc are very lucky having such a caring and reliable parent. They take it out on you because you are the safe space and are not unreliable. It's a hard time, try to be good to yourself OP, you deserve to have peace of mind.

Original poster

Treesaregreen1 · 23/12/2023 23:05

Thanks for the practical suggestions @PTSDBarbiegirl, I will give it a shot tomorrow

OP posts:

SleepingBeautySnores · 23/12/2023 23:29

PTSDBarbiegirl · 23/12/2023 22:40

I so wish that I'd had MN when I was bringing up my family. The advice given to you by PTSDBarbiegirl, seems like such a good idea to me.

However, I realised the first time that I went overboard with threats to cancel something, and then found myself having to back track, that you must ONLY threaten punishments that you are prepared to go ahead with, for example, to tell the kids that if they don't behave you'll cancel a holiday, is a silly threat, because you'll lose out too if you carry it out. So instead, before issuing the threat, think to yourself, am I actually going to be able to do this, if not, then take it down a notch or two.

It sounds to me OP that you're doing a wonderful job so please try not to worry about being a bad Mum or anything. All kids will push our buttons until we break at some point, you're just feeling the pressure at the moment as most of us do when we're so busy trying our best to provide the best Christmas we can for our families. I hope that tomorrow is a better day, and that your kids are able to earn back the Christmas Eve treats, but if they are little monsters all day again, then I would stick by my word, and tell them they've had a second chance, and they've blown it. Then save whatever you were planning on giving them, until next Christmas, or if PJ's or something they'll grow out of, put it in with their other gifts on Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas to you and your family OP.

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