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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does anyone dislike or hate their mum but put on a front to keep the peace

18 replies

starsparkle08 · 23/12/2023 18:48

Hard to know where to start with this one . I feel she’s neglected my needs from teenage years . I took an overdose at 15 and she denied me help making me lie to professionals . I’m in my 30’s and my life is a mess . I’ve recently had abnormal mri which apparently I shouldn’t be worried about ?!!! Despite being referred to neurology . My sister is a doctor and again poo poo my symtoms etc . I hate my mum always believes her . I called her out a few times today and she didn’t like it . She’s very opinionated and Dam right racist . I’m struggling and need help and she could not give a shit . She doesn’t no it but I really dislike her sometimes hate her .
. could say much more but it would likely be outing .

OP posts:

Chestnut5 · 23/12/2023 18:57

Don't expect anything from her and detach emotionally as much as possible. Do not look to her for support. I'm sure your life is not a mess. Almost everything is salvageable. Find some motivational speakers on YouTube and use them to help anchor you. I like Mel Robbins. It's not worth confronting your mum or your sister, just focus on keeping yourself well.

Rocksonabeach · 23/12/2023 19:00

I don’t like mine. My father is a physically abusive bastard and they have a marriage where she could leave but chooses him over children and grandchildren. Scales fell from my eyes 4 years ago when she told me that looking back she’d rather of had more money for holidays (they are millionaires) then of had me. She’s been no nc for 3 years and never rings or texts or does to my children and we live a 5 minute walk. She tells me she’s happy with him and her life and doesn’t want it to change. If she does first fine. He dies first - she will be straight on the phone begging for company or someone to live with as she won’t want the huge house on her own. Honestly I want a mother to love me - she’s not the right mother.

all I suggest is therapy and going low contact or no contact. Stately homes thread ??

Nasahoodie · 23/12/2023 19:05

I have detached from mine. I won't go into the ins and outs. But she was neglectful as a child and is still emotionally incompetent. I don't share a lot of my life with her unless I need to. I don't go to her for emotional support of any kind. I don't rely on her for ananything. I still see her, but less often than i used to. My relationship is more like that I would have with a distant aunt than with a parent.

Carsarelife · 23/12/2023 19:10

Mine is cold and has passive aggressive tendencies. I keep her at arms length and if I lost my job, crashed my car, was diagnosed with cancer then she'd be the last to know.
I'm not good enough and never have been but thinking back she wasn't good enough for me anyway.

Original poster

starsparkle08 · 23/12/2023 19:14

The lack of empathy from her is disgusting . I’ve tried to buy her love over the years but now I’m not making the effort so much . I’ll never be what she wanted that is very clear

OP posts:

RosesAndHellebores · 23/12/2023 19:15

Yes but we have a caring and civil facade. She's a classic narcissist. I had everything as a child, except love. My epitaph will be "she tried to please her mother"

Undineimmor · 23/12/2023 19:27

You sound like you have unresolved trauma OP. When I was a teen I was angry with mine but I realised that she was walking on eggshells a lot of the time to prevent arguments and please others.

Everyone is annoying. If life we gave to go from "what we they did to us and how much it hurt" to taking accountability for "what we did to them and how it affected them". Parents are people too. They also have feelings. If you know you family aren't respectful then tell them nothing. Keep yourself separate from them.

It took some counselling to realise my parents made some big mistakes but did try and that I must have been a handful too.

Nobody is perfect. I also shed tears for my mother, who has sadly passed, today.

I hope you can resolve your differences while she us still here.

wizzbitt · 23/12/2023 19:29

My mum is awful. She had an awful childhood and i truly believe that she felt we deserved the same. She had kids so she had someone to love her and when we stopped being cute children and became teenagers she hated us. I know it wasn't easy for her with a useless husband and 6 kids but she was always the adult and we were growing up and she just didn't support, nurture, love us in any way.
She was definitely worse to me and my sisters. Physically and verbally abusive. I would always defend myself and we would have screaming rows. I was reflecting with my sister the amount of times after a row she wouldn't buy me any Christmas presents because I "didn't deserve them." From about 12yo to 16yo. My dad would just let this all happen with no intervention. They hated each other. He also worked nights so didn't see alot of what happened. And my mum would always get annoyed if I told him or showed him the bruises.
She once cut my school shoes up as I told her she didn't do anything for me. I'd have been about 13. I wasn't allowed to wear trainers and my big sister lent me some shoes to wear.
My big sister is nc with all of us because it was all so shitty. I don't blame her but I don't miss her either - she wasn't a nice person either but that has a lot to do with what she went through. We all had a terrible time.
I am low nc with my mum but for the sake of my kids see her a few times a year. She's good to them but she talks about how lovely they were when babies. They're both in primary school now. I will monitor this. But I don't think she'd dare behave untoward. I would never leave the kids alone with her anyway.
I have had years of therapy but I am still angry and bitter about how she treated me. She is still unpleasant at times. But to the rest of the world she is a saint.
Even typing this makes me so angry. She has acknowledged some of her behaviour but she blames it all on my dad. Then she treats my sister like shit so it's hard to see her take any responsibility.
So yeah my mum is awful. If she died tomorrow I would be absolutely fine.

wizzbitt · 23/12/2023 19:30

I apologise to pp who have lost their mothers and for sounding callous and bitter. I obviously still need more therapy.
Love to everyone out there

OldTinHat · 23/12/2023 19:35

I hear you @starsparkle08

I'm in my 50s now.

I won't bore you with a back story, but mine is similar.

Just wanted to give you a wave 👋

RobertaFirmino · 23/12/2023 19:37

wizzbitt · 23/12/2023 19:30

I apologise to pp who have lost their mothers and for sounding callous and bitter. I obviously still need more therapy.
Love to everyone out there

There's really no need to apologise. I lost my mum recently and this thread reminds me just how lucky I was to have her.
You don't sound callous and bitter, you sound hurt and upset. I hope you are able to find peace.

Original poster

starsparkle08 · 23/12/2023 19:55

I think my mum thinks of herself as martyr to
most people .

OP posts:

lawren · 23/12/2023 20:01

My mum is similar. I stopped telling her about anything going on in my life by my teens as I learned not to get any empathy or support. I am a bit older than OP, in my 40s, and a couple of years ago I gave up trying to put on a front and went NC. Life is just too short to keep people in my life if they aren't adding anything positive towards it. It is very refreshing being able to focus my energies on the people I genuinely care about and those who care for me.

Original poster

starsparkle08 · 23/12/2023 20:02

@Undineimmor I’m very sorry to hear about your mums passing .

i feel like I’ve been trying to buy my mums love for years but to her I seem to be such a disappointment as I’ve left work to care for
my disabled son . She constantly likes to tell me I’m living off the tax payer . Yet she herself has only inherited wealth not earnt it. I’m fed up of it and I do love her , but I don’t like the way she treats me . I have tried so hard I really have but it is very evident I’m not special to her .

OP posts:

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 23/12/2023 20:06

Yeah I hear you.
Mine is so self centered it's untrue but loves to paint herself as a victim, always.
She lives abroad and this time of year is always a pity party as she thinks we should go to her but it is never going to happen as I'll be fucked if I'm spending Christmas with someone who has never done anything for me, been there for me and is just simply unpleasant to be around.

Undineimmor · 23/12/2023 20:52

starsparkle08 · 23/12/2023 20:02

@Undineimmor I’m very sorry to hear about your mums passing .

Well I would be proud if you for putting your son first. That is a great thing you have done. The taxpayer has benefits for carers because they save the government billions.

You love her but don't like her. Tell her nothing about things you care about and do the grey rock.

KeeeeeepDancing · 23/12/2023 21:06

OP please look up narcissist personality disorder. It sounds like she could have it.
Educate to protect yourself
It is shit.
You can't fix her.
You can't fix the relationship

Genuineweddingone · 23/12/2023 21:48

Loomk up the stately homes threads op. Sadly a lot of bad mothers out there.

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