Teen dd and a snakey friend

8 replies

Icelolly999 · 22/12/2023 23:53

Dd17 has a friend that is not really a friend to her. The girl is being manipulative and snakey to dd but she cannot see it.

I can see it and don’t like what I see. Meanwhile dd is spilling her innermost secrets to this friend who uses these to subtly orchestrate things to leave my dd out. MY DD would do anything for this friend and includes her in everything. I really want her to have a nice supportive friend as she deserves it because she is such a kind person.

There is a boy who is a mutual friend of theirs who my dd has liked for the past year. She has shared with the friend that she likes the boy. Tonight the friend has arranged a night out with the boy my dd likes (and a couple of others) but not invited my dd. She has spent the night feeling sad sat in a chair.

To me real friends don’t do this.

what can I do to help in this situation? Do I tell her that the friend is snakey and warn her off. She has struggled with close friendships in the past.

OP posts:

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 23/12/2023 00:00

I would arrange something fun to do with your DD, and during that I'd maybe bring up being her age, and having friendships with girls like her friend, and you've seen behaviour that you don't like, and think your DD deserves better. Tell her that it doesn't really require any action from her, except to maybe be less free with her secrets.

At 17, lives are changing, she's likely to grow apart from this friend as educational choices change, as jobs come along, as they move for uni...all sorts of things.

But try not to let your opinion of this friend cloud too much... my DD (16 in a few days!) Has a friend who is sneaky, manipulative, snakey and lies. We live in a very multicultural town, and she went around telling people that DD was a racist..its caused a lot of problems, and is certainly not true. She also manipulates situations and DD is easily dragged around, so it's been hard to handle really.
Friendship groups are starting to move on and change a bit, and I'm so thankful thar DD has a few other friends who are nicer to her.

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/12/2023 00:00

What a horrible girl. You need to talk to your daughter about Frenemies. There's plenty online about them to back you up. I feel for her girls like her so-called friend are so bloody powerful.

Sparklesocks · 23/12/2023 00:03

That’s awful. I don’t think you can do much except talk to her, but unfortunately the reality of being a teenager means you often only learn this stuff firsthand even if warned by your parents.

Original poster

Icelolly999 · 23/12/2023 00:14

Thanks, is it normal for me to feel so strongly about it? I feel so annoyed with this friend and it’s ruined my evening worrying about my dd. I’m struggling to sleep! God some people are awful.

It’s reopening old memories of being the same age and in the same boat with a similar friendship myself and the feelings are raw. I don’t want my dd to feel like I did. At 17 my dad died just before Christmas 30 years ago and then my “best friend” a few months later, booked a holiday with our mutual friends for after our a levels, but didn’t tell me about it, nor invite me. So I had to put up with them all going away together in the summer and feeling left out.

OP posts:

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 23/12/2023 00:17

I think it's normal to worry about the impact of these sorts of people will have on your child, and I think it's normal to want to protect them.

We all want our offspring to have healthy, supportive friendships.

uclpp · 23/12/2023 00:20

I have a 15yo and a 17yo and I would definitely tell either that the conduct of a friend was awful.

Unfortunately she needs to learn to recognise nasty people.

Original poster

Icelolly999 · 23/12/2023 00:27

Why are people who are like this always so popular, why don’t others see through them?

Its a lose lose situation, stay in the toxic friendship with the social side that comes with it, even though she’s not always included, or walk away to nothing and start again.

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CrikeyMajikey · 23/12/2023 00:36

Absolutely have a chat with your daughter and point out this girls behaviour. My DD15 has had an awful last 4 months with what was her ‘best friend’ telling DD’s innermost thoughts and secrets, I really wish I’d been less concerned about their friendship and told DD exactly what I could see way back in July.

There is a difference between ‘popular’ and ‘liked’. Popular girls usually have a following as other girls don’t want to be on the receiving end of Popular’s awful behaviour.

Thankfully in my DD’s case the rest of the girls are beginning to see how awful Popular is.

Flip