Is this abusive?

FFS2324 · 2023-12-22T23:00:54+00:00

DC told me “daddy is being naughty” in response to their dad being unkind and rude. I agreed with DC and said “yes daddy is being naughty” as their daddy was being unkind and rude. Daddy said that I was being abusive by calling him naughty. i think that I was validating DC’s feelings by agreeing with DC. And that DC should not be gaslit by me disagreeing with them. YAB--U --abusive YANB--U --not abusive

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/12/2023 23:02

What was Daddy doing?

Deedee37 · 22/12/2023 23:03

I wouldn’t call it abusive but I also don’t think it’s good to gang up on him.

Original poster

FFS2324 · 22/12/2023 23:05

DC has had D&V and had a few D accidents Daddy was basically shaming them.

OP posts:

Titicacacandle · 22/12/2023 23:06

I don't agree with dc being brought into adult arguments so voted YABU. They should not be involved or know anything to form an opinion in the first place. Keep your dc out of your relationship issues, they shouldn't ever be involved or feel like they're picking a side.

Titicacacandle · 22/12/2023 23:08

The trick to raising secure dc - whether together or coparenting, is to not let dc get in-between. It's really hard if you disagree with something that they're doing but you have to talk to them and reach a compromise in private and not in front of the dc.

momsybear · 22/12/2023 23:08

It's hard without specific examples but I needed therapy to help with clinical anxiety and depression after I left DD's dad. At 3 she reported he'd said I was a fat smelly pig and I laughed until my therapist said I shouldn't be minimising him saying horrible things about me. I think there's a line between truth and fiction tbh

Original poster

FFS2324 · 22/12/2023 23:33

I don’t want DC to grow up thinking that’s it ok to act the way that daddy sometimes does.

where is the line between sticking up for DC and not including them in arguments.

(for what it’s worth - daddy was arguing with DC about DCs accident, I asked daddy to be kind to DC and explained that DC had an accident because they were unwell. Daddy was saying things like “why have you had an accident” “i thought you were potty trained” “why are you doing this” whilst sounding annoyed and irritated.

OP posts:

whereisitgoing · 22/12/2023 23:36

FFS2324 · 22/12/2023 23:05

DC has had D&V and had a few D accidents Daddy was basically shaming them.

Edited

Sounds like their dad was actually being abusive to the kid, if he was shaming them for being sick and having an accident.

Jesus Christ. That's so bloody unkind and fucked up.

Original poster

FFS2324 · 22/12/2023 23:41

Titicacacandle · 22/12/2023 23:06

I don't agree with dc being brought into adult arguments so voted YABU. They should not be involved or know anything to form an opinion in the first place. Keep your dc out of your relationship issues, they shouldn't ever be involved or feel like they're picking a side.

I agree, the problem I have is that I feel I have to step into arguments between daddy and DC (3 children under 5) because I disagree with how daddy is behaving and feel like I need to stick up for DC.

we have very different approaches to parenting, mine is more encourage and reward and use natural consequences, whereas his is more threaten, punish and dictate/control

(this has only become an issue since the children have got older and he can no longer “control” them, before anyone jumps on to say why did I have more children with him)

OP posts:

sunights · 22/12/2023 23:41

Sounds like standing up for DD more directly may be in order, e.g. asking " what did daddy say" or "[daddy] what did you say" followed by "[daddy] why did you say this" and "did you know DD is poorly" along with "[daddy] how would you like someone to talk to you when you are poorly" .... I appreciate he is likely to get defensive, but for me that would prove the point.

Titicacacandle · 22/12/2023 23:43

So why are you with him and subjecting your dc to it? Either speak to him and find a way to parent together or leave him, it's not fair on your dc to make it you and them against him. You're not powerless in this dynamic and you're not helping it either!

samqueens · 23/12/2023 00:21

Your comment - not abusive

Your husband shaming a child with D&V who has had an accident - abusive

Your husband accusing you of being abusive when you are obviously not being abusive -
🚩 🚩 for your husband being abusive

Your husband dictating and being controlling - 🚩🚩 for your husband being abusive

It might be worthwhile to (discreetly) read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? (download on kindle/apple book apps). If it reasonates with you then it might help you work out how/why your parenting techniques clash.

Even if it doesn’t reasonate with you I think you’ll find it an interesting read.

Either way, standing up for your children is always a good thing - as is naming poor choices / poor behaviour when appropriate, no matter who is displaying it.

urrrgh46 · 23/12/2023 06:42

@samqueens nails it!

theconfidenceofwho · 23/12/2023 09:01

Titicacacandle · 22/12/2023 23:43

So why are you with him and subjecting your dc to it? Either speak to him and find a way to parent together or leave him, it's not fair on your dc to make it you and them against him. You're not powerless in this dynamic and you're not helping it either!

Absolutely this!

throwawayimplantchat · 23/12/2023 09:11

Why are you staying in a relationship with someone who is so unkind? He's a bully. Pathetic for a grown man to bully anyone, let alone a little child.

You don't sound shocked or blindsided by how horrible he's been so I'm guessing he's regularly a shit.

This isn't normal behaviour. It's not acceptable to be so shitty to children.

Wellhellooooodear · 23/12/2023 09:14

FFS2324 · 22/12/2023 23:05

DC has had D&V and had a few D accidents Daddy was basically shaming them.

Edited

If anyone is being abusive it's him