Hi all, thanks so much for your messages. @WowOK I’m now in my early 50s and in the 1970s, hitting even went on in school by teachers, so it was a different time. But it was shaking, not punching, by her, and I caused it. The shouting went on daily. I found it upsetting and embarrassing (so loud, with back doors open) I thought everyone’s mum shouted but you couldn’t hear it through closed windows, and that was why I didn’t hear shouting coming from other houses. We lived on a quiet housing estate.
like @Grandmasswag ’s partner, I was often scared of my mother, but I was very used to it, too. I lived on edge, really. But it’s complicated because she could be really nice, especially in public/to others. Almost like a split personality.
She was also nice looking, so people/society swooned around her, assumed she was a nice person (she: beautiful blonde. Us kids: mixed race so dark/er). She made it clear that white was better. Had body issues my entire adulthood. Including my entire 20s steeped in anorexia/etc. But she was also constantly on diets and, despite her own self-admiration, i am sure her self esteem was not the best either.
@WeWishYouAMerryChristmas2023 I’m so sorry you went through similar. It’s scary. I had constant threats from her, of suicide. From age 15 on. It felt like these threats were daily after I left home (she’d telephone me daily, when I was a student, to scream down the landline phone = pre mobiles). Had a horrible time at university.
@chocolatemademefat oh yes, she completely rewrites everything. You would think she was mother of the century, and she often says I was spoilt, “as the youngest”.
she was also so controlling when I lived at home. Eg as a sixth former I wasn’t allowed boyfriends, wasn’t allowed to socialise. This was her being protective of course. But the most “socialising” I did at that age was to traipse around really dull middle aged shops with her on the weekend. I used to count down the days to leaving home. (I was the youngest by a stretch so the only one at home.)
From certainly age 14, I was her counsellor and had to manage her drinking. I was the parent, really. From age 10, I realised I could tell her nothing difficult that was happening in my life. I must never upset her with my own issues.
It’s been illuminating coming on mumsnet to see discussions surrounding teenagers, and how much parents do to try and support their kids, sometimes even helping them to navigate their relationships with peers (rather than bring them down or actively isolating them from peers, as she would). But she was only ever doing her best, she would say if you asked her. Btw “Sorry” is not a word I’ve ever heard her say.
Now she’s in her 80s, I see through it. Her lies have become so silly they are obviously lies now. I didn’t like the way she mothered, but I can’t ever tell her that. No point. I used to occasionally mention things to her, eg recall saying to her (when I was about 34) that it was tough not having pocket money as a kid, and that it was amazing I had any mates since as a sixth former, the trendiest clothes I had were my grandmother’s caste-offs. This resulted in her flagellating herself with a book she was carrying… so never any point.
But I wanted to start this thread to find out what others thought about this sort of mothering, since it was so normalised to me. Thanks to all who have shared their stories or said you would never scare a child. Nor would I.