Lack of love from mum

[BubbleBee123]

Apologies for posting again but not getting much traction in relationships and I'm driving myself nuts.

How do you cope with having had a minimal love from your mother?

I was raised by parents who had a decent amount of money. We had lots of material things, never wanted for anything, but one thing that was lacking was just some simple love.

We saw our dad every other weekend without fail, and I feel we got more of this from him, however as we saw so little of him, it never really evolved into something which felt secure. He always wanted us to have hobbies but our mum said we didn't need them and he encouraged us hugely, I wanted to go and live with him but I wasn't allowed. I can't remember a lot of it but I remember a strong urge to be around him all the time. He's great now and we're very close.

Our mum, who we lived with, would feed us, clothe us, buy us stuff etc, but would never say 'I love you'. She never came to school plays, or encouraged us. She never hugged us. She never taught us about life or had the hard conversations with us. I used to go out partying with sixth formers when I was 13/14 and she never had a clue where I was. I don't think she was particularly bothered. I have my own child now and cannot imagine raising him the way we were raised. Even now, when I tell her about something I'm going through or that I've had a hard day, she says 'sorry to hear that' and changes the subject to herself or moves on. When I talk to my dad about similar things it's like a world of relief and he will take the weight off my shoulders.

Me and my siblings have chatted about this recently and all come to the same realisation. We are all in our mid 30s and none have been able to hold down a long term relationship. We all have low self esteem and have blamed ourselves for being unlovable or not worthy. We all ended up in tears talking about it.

Not really sure why I'm posting, but I'm wondering if anyone else has similar feelings or can shed any light?

Yes I can relate. Mum was always cool and detached, never any affection; it seemed perfunctory. She’s always been quite self absorbed. My childhood hard and dysfunctional, I feel that this really held me back as an adult - low self esteem, anxiety etc. I feel I never had any coping tools.

My mum was like this but I was in a more extreme situation as her partner was abusive to me and she was always very 'oh well!' about it. No contact for many years now.

She was like a robot, there but not there. No deep meaningful conversations. If someone died, even someone close, she would comment it's sad then that would be it, never to be mentioned again.

When I was a teen I broke down and said why do you let X do XYZ to me? I can't live like this. Was incredibly upset. She just breezily explained he was stressed and depressed 'so he had to take it out on SOMEONE' (meaning me). Absolutely unforgivable.

I have my own kids now and am needless to say the opposite to what I had. I am emotionally available, always telling and showing them how much I love them and they have a great dad. We are a very happy family.

Sorry to hear of your situation op

Recently my mum said to my DH knowing I could hear, mayhem was lovely as a child but I don't know what happened as an adult.

I'm sorry to read this, I can relate.
I had a very cold unaffectionate mother and never felt I actually had a mother in the way I thought of a mother as being. Along with other childhood things it really impacted my ability to have self confidence and form a stable romantic relationship for a long time.

I think what helped me was going back and thinking about the small, sad, serious child I was. Visualising taking that child by the hand and seeing her vulnerability and how sweet she really was. And loving her, telling her it was all ok and to remember the love from the ones who did love her. In my case this was my grandparents, who doted on me, they died before I reached my teens but their love has stayed with me. In your case it will be your dad.
Try and let the love you did feel reach the parts of you that felt coldness from your mother.

And, also, become aware of the traits you are drawn to in friends or relationships and whether they connect to your childhood...eh some people may trigger you by making you feel like your mother made you feel, or you may be drawn to others because they make you feel loved.

My mum was like this, except we didn't have a decent income either so she was emotionally cold and also didn't buy things for us or pay for us to do things.

I went nc a couple of years ago and the relief at not having to keep up appearances is immense. She has offered nothing to me as a parent and doesn't deserve my time.

Have you asked your father why you couldn't have lived with him?

My mum was like this and still is in many ways. An example is this week, which is a very busy time for my work, working right up until Christmas Eve and have come down with Covid. I was messaging on our family chat about how rough I feel, but need to keep working (from home) and she can't comment.

She message a few minutes later about some discount she'd seen in the supermarket but no acknowledgment that I'm unwell with a lot on my plate. Not expecting her to help, but a simple 'sorry to hear that' type thing. Can't imaging not acknowledging my own children.

Strange & emotionless

It is Childhood Emotional Neglect. It is a thing, sadly. Lots of research on it and its effects. Books also, can recommend 'Running on Empty' by Jonice Webb.

Thankfully, you have your Dad.😁

Yep. There were no cuddles and kisses for me either. My dad was working all the time and I worshipped him and the little time I got with him. I still do. I feel like I parented my mother from being around 8 years old. Its draining.

My mother wanted me to be a ballet dancer. I got a long way to acheiving this but failed at the final hurdle. My childhood was one of being screamed at for not being good enough. I was the only girl who's mother invited herself to sit in class for every lesson. She then picked me apart all the way home.

My DC have their own hobbies and interests and I love supporting them to be themselves with so many cuddles, kisses, stories, chats and lots of love.

I sometimes get upset when I look back but we have the future now and a chsnce to build what we never had.