In a real mess - want to leave partner

[Codebreaking]

We aren’t married, but we live together and have a child.
We have a joint mortgage.

Things have been bad for some time, but currently the worst for a while.

We don’t really like each other. But we’re just going through the motions.

Another problem, I’m not working, I haven’t worked for over a year. I’m waiting for an ADHD assessment and I had to leave my previous employment. So my partner is the sole income. If we did split, I have no idea how I would support myself and my DS.

Then as hard as it is you stay until you gain employment. You should never have put yourself in the position of being unemployed. If you’ve split apply for any benefits you may be entitled to. Once you have left make sure to follow up on child maintenance. You can do it alone you just need to get yourself in order. Sounds as though whilst unpleasant you are safe and so is your child. Double check what you’ll receive once split if you sold the house etc and perhaps you’ll have enough cash for a rental deposit. Main thing is stay put until you’re employed for a few months so you aren’t vulnerable

How old is your child? Do you have savings?

My child is 5 , I have a tiny amount of savings - around £2,000 and my share of the house too.

How old is your child?

Get through Xmas and in the new year look at where you stand with the house legally in terms of selling up.

Look for work too. You need an income, and any income is better than no income.

Have you and your partner ever discussed what would happen if you split?

(I'm assuming this isn't an abusive relationship. If it is that changes some things.)

Is your relationship abusive?

If not, then you need to stay while you find a job. Then you can leave. What are you doing during the day while your child is at school? Why aren't you working? Is your partner encouraging you not to work?

First step is to get a job then OP. Even if you did manage to claim universal credit (not sure how that works when you own a house) you’d be expected to be looking for work. So get a job and then see a solicitor about the house.

Not physically abusive no. But lots of put downs, gas lighting and stonewalling.

How long until your assessment OP? Because if it’s relatively soon, I’d get through that band the initial period of settling in with your meds. Once you have that in place it should help you cope with the separation a lot better

I’m not working because my mental health has got hugely worse, particularly so since Covid.
What I now realise were symptoms of ADHD are causing me so much distress, executive dysfunction is ruining my life.

I’ve been on the waiting list for 2 years (NHS) and still no update.

I still think you should work with your adhd OP. Dh has it and she manages to work as does a close friend

You still need to get a job OP, it’s the only way.

When you say bad is it abusive? I imagine like a lot of people my advice will be very different depending on your response to that point.

@BountySunshine
Not physically abusive no. But lots of put downs, gas lighting and stonewalling.

As someone who has previously suffered from (with intermittent bouts of it thrown in for varying periods of time) severe anxiety and depression, my only advice is to summons every ember and flame in your body and mind to ignite a fire in your belly that is so strong, that you get a job with prospects and work your way up, for the sake of your child.

I have had twat head emotionally and mentally abusive boyfriends before so can relate and you have my every sympathy and support. I channelled my anger towards them (and disgust for myself at ever entertaining their crap and put downs they sent my way) into working hard, tunnel vision , to earn more and free myself financially from said losers.

Download that book by Lundy Bancroft if you have not already done so.

I also have a learning disability in a profession that I really should not have gone into, so don’t let your ADHD be an excuse for you not going for it career wise.

Have you looked into Right To Choose through your GP? You can choose the service PsychiatryUK no matter where you are in the country, and their timelines are long but nowhere near as long as the rest of the country. I put in my R2C in January 2022, was assessed in August 2022, and on meds by January 2023. Life has been unbelievably better since I got the meds. With all the crappy media coverage around the condition, a lot of people seem to automatically minimise its impact but it’s huge.

For that reason, I would strongly suggest sticking it out until you get your life into some sort of order. You have no real income. No real savings. And no way to reliably keep life going for your kids in any kind of order. Being unable to focus long enough to pay bills or sort out life admin when they actually need doing, will be massively detrimental. And could be used as an excuse for him to take custody of your kid, too.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation - it’s horrible. If you can find a way to gamify this, like…working out the step by step plan in every tiny detail for everything you’ll need to get your life together and making each one of those goals that you reward yourself for reaching…it just might spark up your hyperfocus while the rewards feed your dopamine needs. Then literally nothing will stop you. Caffeine and other stimulants will certainly help manage the executive functioning issues at least a little bit (though they’ll make you feel a bit shit!).

I developed a load of hacks to help keep myself in the right headspace before meds and to some extent even now…if you want to talk any of this through, I’m happy to chat on DM.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through a tough time. Remember, domestic abuse is NOT just physical violence.

As someone with ADHD, and having recently escaped an abusive relationship whilst 28 weeks pregnant, this is my advice to you.

If either you or your child are in danger, then get out as soon as you can. There are some amazing services that will support you even if there has been no violence. You can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline 24/7, Citizens Advice and Shelter for more info about your rights and the support available.

If you are safe where you are, I would stay and start making a plan. It might be hard, but I would try to get through Christmas for your kid. It will give you some time to think things through. ADHD & impulsive decisions are best friends! You should try to find some work to increase your savings. It might seem impossible now, but maybe start something part-time? Being at work improved my mental health because I had amazing and supportive colleagues.

It's hard to give advice without knowing your precise situation, but I would say this: If there are red flags in your relationship, please don't ignore them. Trust your instinct. You might be in for a rough few years, but you will be so much happier when you get to the other side.

Take care of yourself

OP abusive does not have to be physical to be abuse. I would recommend you call Women’s Aid or one the other helplines. If you are in an abusive relationship they can help you get out asap into a refugee or look to get an occupation order (very high threshold).

In terms of practicalities if you don’t need to leave asap:

• You are not married so your partner has no requirement to support you, but would need to support his daughter
• You say you have a joint mortgage so I presume you jointly own the property in which case you could split, put property on the market and get half the equity (be warned savings do impact benefits).
• Check which benefits you would be entitled t

On the ADHD point, be warned about seeing the assessment and medication as some sort of saviour. I am a late diagnosed ADHDer and on medication and it has been helpful but it hasn’t been life changing. I still have periods of burnout, and medication hasn’t altered that (possibly extended periods between episodes). I worry you think you can’t work till you are assessed, and save for medication you will get a lot of generic advice about work (which you can find online now).

If you are on an NHS waitlist it could be 10 years till you get assessed- unless you can afford to go private before and if you think it’s that crucial then I would be doing anything you could to do that, anything you could sell to fund that? Family member who could assist? The assessment is probably not your escape plan.