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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to go for Christmas

14 replies

Christmasshitmas · 22/12/2023 18:40

This may be long so as not to drip feed.

I had a difficult relationship with my mother growing up*. From 17-30 I maybe saw her a dozen times. We got a bit closer when I had children and now see her a few times a year. Since then we’ve spent two Christmases at her place. It’s far away so requires a couple of nights stay at least. Her dp is a mean drunk and has very little patience generally. He doesn’t treat my children or husband well. He’s actually fine with me, even when I call him out on his behaviour towards my dc (dh can defend himself). When I say he’s not nice to them I really mean it, it’s not minor incidents, it’s horrible stuff. Constantly trying to pick fights and belittle dh regarding his profession and barking at dc constantly. They’re not badly behaved at all and have manners, but are autistic.

We were meant to go for Christmas again during Covid but I really didn’t feel it was a good idea as dc may have been exposed at school and I didn’t want to make my mum and her partner sick. To be completely honest I didn’t really want to go anyway, given the tension. But Covid genuinely was the clincher.

Fast forward to this year. Again we’re supposed to go and had said we would. Main reason being we are moving abroad soon and there won’t be another chance for a while.

I had made peace with it and discussed at length with dh what we could do in case of any trouble with my mum’s dp. We had plans for going on walks etc and spending time with dc in their room if things got too much.

Anyway, to get to the point… I now have the flu. Badly. I’m vomiting, shaking, coughing, full of snot and aching all over. I know I could be better by Christmas, but the rest of my family might not be (none have it yet). My mum knows I’m sick but is nonplussed. Even though she thinks it’s a price worth paying for Christmas together I’m not on board with that. I can’t even get myself dressed. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to pack for us all and get everything organised. Dh is working all hours so can’t help! I’m a gutless wonder but I’m terrified of letting her down. Her life with her partner isn’t easy either I think.

*Not sure it’s relevant but I wanted to add in case anyone asks. The reasons for my tricky relationship with my mum are that she is cold (I was never hugged or told I was loved as a child) and that she encouraged anorexia and competitively under ate with me. As a 17 year old, weighing 40kg at 5’8” I was called fat and told I had a big arse pretty much daily. We’re a fucked up family. Things are not that bad with her now though and I do love her.

Prepared to be roasted here but it was cathartic to get it out. Even if I’m still clueless.

OP posts:

Eekmystro · 22/12/2023 18:45

I think the flu is a side issue, as is the background, although useful wider context.

Your mum’s partner treats your husband and children badly, so no don’t go. Personally I’m a little confused why you had agreed to go there anyway. I’m guessing you felt guilted or something? It’s absolutely to say no to spending time with family If in doing so you save your children from being treated like crap.

Is your mum aware her partners behaviour is out of order or does she think it’s ok?

Original poster

Christmasshitmas · 22/12/2023 18:55

Eekmystro · 22/12/2023 18:45

I think the flu is a side issue, as is the background, although useful wider context.

Is your mum aware her partners behaviour is out of order or does she think it’s ok?

Thank you. Yes I definitely felt guilty. It’s important to my mum, strangely, given her general lack of emotion. She’s aware of her partner’s faults but tends to gloss over them. I think she probably thinks it’s normal (though shit) to be treated badly.

I have gone completely ott on the back story, just didn’t want to be accused of drip feeding!

OP posts:

Eekmystro · 22/12/2023 19:00

No the back story is relevant, all I meant is even if there wasn’t that back story the fact of the husband being unkind to your DH/DC is enough reason not to go.

Sack her off. Stay home and enjoy your Xmas together as a family. It really doesn’t sound like they deserve to be prioritised. If they’re unhappy…so be it…..just remind yourself of the things they domes/said that upset you. They didn’t care about that.

Whatever you do I hope you and your kids have a peaceful xmas.

Ktime · 22/12/2023 19:04

I agree you shouldn’t go.

If your mum wants to risk getting your flu, could she come to you?

Does she understand how sick and contagious you are?

Justmuddlingalong · 22/12/2023 19:07

Just like covid, the flu is the excuse you're clutching at to avoid an uncomfortable situation. Which is perfectly understandable due to your relationship with your DM and her arse of a partner.
If you feel you need an excuse to be strong enough to cancel, use it. But you really don't need one.
You and your own family's feeling are important in all this too.
I hope you have a peaceful, happy and fun day whatever you do.

AluckyEllie · 22/12/2023 19:11

Even without the flu I would say don’t go. You don’t owe her anything, the title of mother is just a title and she’s not deserving of it for the way she’s treated you. Have a cosy Christmas at home with your lovely family and move away with no guilt. She wasn’t there for you growing up, you have no responsibility to be there for her growing old. She chose to treat you like that. She chooses to stay with a horrible man. You can choose to protect your husband and children from them and that horrible environment.

Ktime · 22/12/2023 19:12

Justmuddlingalong · 22/12/2023 19:07

I get what you’re saying. But flu is not an excuse, it’s debilitating.

Justmuddlingalong · 22/12/2023 19:13

I know it's debilitating. But it's also a reason not to go. Therefore an excuse in this instance.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 22/12/2023 19:15

Your dc need keeping away from both of them op. Your dm failed you. Don't fail your dc. I am nc with my dm. 20 years. She doesn't see my dc either..

Original poster

Christmasshitmas · 22/12/2023 19:18

Thank you for your kind replies.

The flu is definitely an excuse, albeit a legitimate one! I’m just not sure she completely believes it/cares. But yeah, dc and dh being treated appallingly is the bigger issue.

OP posts:

Clarinet1 · 22/12/2023 19:21

I think that, even if you had the most perfect, loving relationship with your DM and her DP, you would be perfectly reasonable to back out of a long journey and all the packing etc. with flu!

Throckmorton · 22/12/2023 19:34

Why would you allow your children to be abused like that? I suspect your mum's treatment if you as a child, which sounds awful, has maybe skewed your perception of what is acceptable. In short, don't go, even if the flu disappears overnight!

Original poster

Christmasshitmas · 22/12/2023 22:21

Throckmorton · 22/12/2023 19:34

You have a valid point. It’s not nice to think that I’m allowing my children to be treated badly. I’m staunchly protective, and as I said I will call out unfair treatment. I’ve clearly been putting them in the firing line though and that isn’t right.

OP posts:

Throckmorton · 24/12/2023 12:52

I think it's understandable how this has happened, and I don't think you should beat yourself up about it (I hope my earlier post didn't come across that way - i think it reads blunter than I intended). The main thing is to change it going forwards - for your sake as well as your kids. I hope that the flu has completely gone, and that you have a lovely Christmas planned staying at home with your family and avoiding all the negativity!

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