Low contact and children

[Fancyduck]

I’ve gone low contact with my sibling over the last 5 years. We were incredibly close as children/teens/young adults but their partner does not like our side of the family. The partner is incredibly rude, puts us down and over the years has isolated sibling from us. I suspect they are controlling but it is impossible to talk to sibling as it will get back to their partner and lead to us being more isolated. It’s a fine balance of maintaining some sort of relationship whilst protecting myself from the upset of the situation.

When we meet up yearly we barely talk, have nothing in common at all any more and it’s incredibly difficult and sad. I have discussed this with sibling who has no motivation or desire to try to improve things.

Sibling has children who are similar in age to my children and they get on well when they’re together but this is only for a few hours once a year.

I’m considering trying for my children to make more effort to see sibling more with their children. They live abroad but not far so it will mean flights, hotels and staying nearby for a few nights to probably only see them for a few hours/afternoon. The place they live is beautiful but there’s not a lot to do and the cost would about £1000 per trip. We can afford this but at the same time it’s obviously a lot of money and to be honest I’d rather spend it on other things such as the house, towards family holidays to interesting places etc.

AIBU to think that my children will be fine without having close relationships with their cousins or should I try to encourage it by visiting more often?

Get them to send letters, photos and little presents instead. Go on holiday somewhere close enough to visit but with things to do every few years.

You children will be fine not being close to their cousins.

How old are the children? When they are old enough they can keep their own relationships going via text/ WhatsApp etc. You can talk about the cousins with your children too, to keep them fresh in their mind (while they are young). Otherwise what you can do is quite limited.
I feel for your sibling- past history of a controlling relationship here.

Not if it’s going to stop you doing other things and it will seem like a chore. I would expect a 50:50 arrangement given the costs. You cannot force friendships even if dc are cousins. They are obviously leading very different lives. You and your sibling are leading different lives and you now cannot find anything to talk about. I have the same issues. Left wing politics has caused our issues and the apparent need to only surround themselves with people who have the same views. Other views and people are not tolerated. So we have separated! It’s ok that other people mean more to them. My dc don’t miss their cousins. They don’t have much in common so, as my dc are now in their 20s, they can decide what they want to do. However I’ve certainly learnt that all parties involved need to want a meaningful relationship. If they don’t it’s hard work and not pleasant because it’s a continual disappointment to realise that what was once a close enough relationship has gone.

DC are 8 and 10, theirs a year each younger than mine. Too young to have phones yet. We have tried sending letters but their cousins did not respond so it seemed pointless to continue.

Theres not a lot to do there for a holiday really, it would add a lot of expense to go somewhere near-ish that is to travel to see them and we feel like we’ve seen all of that area when we used to visit more often.

I really feel for my sibling too, they have been isolated from all of their family and friends from childhood but puts it down to their partners low self esteem. They know that we would all be here if they needed us though.

Christmas always makes me sad seeing friends with their nieces and nephews and cousins playing together.

I should add when they come over here their costs are much lower, they stay with my parents and have all food provided. When we go there we have to pay accommodation and all food.

I really wouldn't force this, to be honest.

If your sibling's in a controlling relationship then I feel really sorry for them, but ultimately you've done all you can to try and maintain a relationship and I don't think it's going to improve by getting the kids to play together.

it’s doesn’t look like you want this
it doesn’t look like your sibling wants this
and the fact that the children get on well for a few hours a year really isn’t enough in my opinion to pursue energetically and financially

there is literally nothing to suggest that these children would want a closer relationship or that your sibling would support
plus you’ll just be resentful about the cost when they don’t pay to stay when they visit (presumably annually)

completely irrelevant to your question

@youneveractually ? Who are you to judge that?

@Fancyduck Ok: so they do come here. I would accept that as good enough and meet up in a wider family group. That’s the best situation for now. Don’t waste money on fruitless trips. Save it for a proper holiday.

judge what?

the fact that your parents invite your sibling and family here and doesn’t charge them and you think relevant as to whether you visit their home country?

My comment about cost was to a poster saying trips should be 50:50. I’m new and didn’t know how to reply. I was saying they could technically come here 3 times a year for what it would cost me to go once. When they lived in the U.K. they travelled to current country every other month to see my partners in laws, with kids.

op i genuinely can’t see a single person in this scenario that is actually enthusiastic about a closer relationship between cousins that live in different countries and see one another for a few hours a year

We are in a similar situation, only there is a bigger age gap between the cousins. I don't think that the kids are missing out by not seeing each other, the fact they are related is neither here nor there imho and there are plenty of other kids, with nice parents, who they can socialise with.

You’re right. As a parent I just wanted to know that I wasn’t letting my feelings towards my sibling get in the way but I also do genuinely feel I more effort than they do.

Its very weird having been best friends for 23 years to now being so distant.

@Fancyduck I did mention 50:50 but I meant them visiting you. I see they do come here so just make an effort once a year when they visit grandparents. The costs are a non issue when they are here as parents don’t normally charge. Your costs would be far higher to travel abroad but you don’t need to. Save yourself the effort and cost by meeting up here. Maybe grandparents could look after dc for a couple of hours whilst you and Dsis have a coffee? Start small!

how do you genuinely make more effort than they do - when you see them for a couple of hours a year?