AIBU - Find friends new boyfriend is inappropriate with her daughter?

roofusdoofus · 2023-12-22T00:51:28+00:00

My 23F friend, Molly, purposely fell pregnant at 19. To cut a long story short, she stopped taking her contraceptive pill (without notifying her partner) with the intention of becoming pregnant. Her BD was 21 at the time and nowhere near ready to be a parent, and I’d argue he’s still not, but shortly after the child’s first birthday (3 now) their relationship fell apart. They really struggled, and still struggle, to navigate through coparenting together successfully and there can be a lot of animosity between them over little things. Molly met someone in March (26M) and within a month they were a couple exchanging I love yous. She fell pregnant again (wasn’t taking her contraception properly) but aborted because she couldn’t afford another child, no judgement here, but she told her now partner she miscarried and used it as an opportunity to introduce him to her child without her BDs consent. Her now BF instantly showered the child with gifts and meets with them at least once a week for lunch, her daughter has become obsessed with her new partner and he even paid for half of the Santa gifts. Molly and I went for a few drinks and she was showing me the voice notes her child has sent to her new partner, every night she tells him goodnight and she loves him, and she always asks to see him - and has started saying she wants to go to her new partners house for sleepovers instead of her biological dads. Her BD has brought this up and said it’s quite hurtful to hear but that really only made matters worse as my friend only loved to hear it hurt him. I ran into Molly, child, and new BF in town - the child is constantly giving him kisses on the lips, telling him she loves him, and wanting to be picked up by him and only him. I was taken back by this because they’re a relatively new couple, but I also feel it’s not very appropriate either as he isn’t her dad. I don’t think the child is being abused in any way but I just find it uncomfortable how comfortable he is with a child that’s not his and so soon. Molly told me they’re hoping to all move in together next year and her now BF has decided to scrap his plans of moving to Oz with lads to play families with her. I’ve been avoiding Molly a bit since as the situation isn’t sitting right with me and I fear I wouldn’t be able to bite my tongue. AIBU?

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 22/12/2023 00:59

OK firstly - why are you friends with someone you clearly dislike and judge?

Secondly - it takes two to get pregnant. Men needs to sort their own contraception out.

Thirdly - she doesn’t need the permission of‘BD’ (I’m assuming this means ‘baby daddy’ 🤮) to introduce her DD to anyone. This child is not someone who belongs to Her father and he gives permission for other people to meet his possession.

I do wish that women would be more careful with who they let into their children’s lives. But it sounds like you don’t think your ‘friend’ can do anything right so I would just your ties with her TBH. I’d be absolutely heartbroken if a ‘friend’ posted about me and my DD and concerns about inappropriate behaviour on a public forum rather than having an honest to God conversation to my face.

WandaWonder · 22/12/2023 01:07

if you have a genuine fear I would say something once then I would not contact or be friends with them again

Original poster

roofusdoofus · 22/12/2023 01:16

I agree that it takes two to become pregnant so perhaps I should’ve added more context. My friend has stated multiple times to us that she doesn’t enjoy sex with condoms, that’s her personal preference, but they stopped using condoms at her request when she went on the pill. Her boyfriend was actually really anxious about this initially and she reassured him it would be fine (her words). She drunkingly admitted to him one night that she fell pregnant on purpose, and he lost trust in her and said he felt taking advantage of, which is one of the main reasons why their relationship fell apart. He actually even sought legal advice on it but I don’t know the outcome of that.

To add, they had a rule in place as part of their coparenting strategies, they would have to be dating someone a minimum of six months before introducing to their daughter and they’d have to discuss it first. This was her rule, not his, and she went and broke it. These “rules” came about during a meeting with a family officer/liasion regarding the custody situation and expectations after they split but it wasn’t legally binding as far as I know, more a courtesy.. BD never even knew the new BF existed until he picked his daughter up one evening and the daughter said come meet mummy’s friend.

I don’t dislike my friend at all, but I am bewildered by the situation and uncomfortable by it. As much as I love my friend, I worry for her daughters wellbeing, and feel longterm this situation may not be appropriate. I feel it’s very disrespectful towards her BD, who is very actively involved in their daughters life and also has a say, especially when the new BF is trying to play daddy i.e. paying for half the Santa gifts and kisses on the lips when it’s just about been six months.

The thread is at my own discretion and nothing something she will come across. I am aware I should talk with her face to face but as someone who isn’t a parent, only an aunty, I felt I needed some mum advice or input.

OP posts:

10HailMarys · 22/12/2023 01:23

The child is a toddler and you say you don’t think there’s any abuse going on. Therefore none of this is any of your business.

I also find it interesting that you describe their plans to move in together as him wanting to ‘play families’. He’s 26 years old. Why would you think they were just going to ‘play families’ rather than just having a normal relationship? Adults in happy relationships move in together and accept each other’s kids. It’s what they do.

She doesn’t need the consent of her ex to introduce her child to her boyfriend. It is also not weird for a boyfriend to meet his girlfriend and her child for lunch once a week.

You clearly dislike your ‘friend’ a great deal and sound bitter as hell about her apparently finding some happiness.

ItsMeNotTheProblem · 22/12/2023 01:25

Is this your BFs ex?

flowerchild2000 · 22/12/2023 01:27

Literally not a bit of this is your business. What kind of friend posts extremely private info about their friend in a public forum? I hope that isn't her real name.

ItsMeNotTheProblem · 22/12/2023 01:30

flowerchild2000 · 22/12/2023 01:27

Literally not a bit of this is your business. What kind of friend posts extremely private info about their friend in a public forum? I hope that isn't her real name.

But the OP is sure her friend, who is a parent, won’t come across this thread on a parenting website.

autienotnaughty · 22/12/2023 01:37

Her actions around pregnancy etc are her decisions and bear no relevance to your concerns regarding her bf.

I agree it is inappropriate and I would probably gently share my concerns but I would also expect her to defend the situation.

I would struggle to support this and potentially have to step back from the situation

Tandora · 22/12/2023 01:41

roofusdoofus · 22/12/2023 01:16

I agree that it takes two to become pregnant so perhaps I should’ve added more context. My friend has stated multiple times to us that she doesn’t enjoy sex with condoms, that’s her personal preference, but they stopped using condoms at her request when she went on the pill. Her boyfriend was actually really anxious about this initially and she reassured him it would be fine (her words). She drunkingly admitted to him one night that she fell pregnant on purpose, and he lost trust in her and said he felt taking advantage of, which is one of the main reasons why their relationship fell apart. He actually even sought legal advice on it but I don’t know the outcome of that.

To add, they had a rule in place as part of their coparenting strategies, they would have to be dating someone a minimum of six months before introducing to their daughter and they’d have to discuss it first. This was her rule, not his, and she went and broke it. These “rules” came about during a meeting with a family officer/liasion regarding the custody situation and expectations after they split but it wasn’t legally binding as far as I know, more a courtesy.. BD never even knew the new BF existed until he picked his daughter up one evening and the daughter said come meet mummy’s friend.

I don’t dislike my friend at all, but I am bewildered by the situation and uncomfortable by it. As much as I love my friend, I worry for her daughters wellbeing, and feel longterm this situation may not be appropriate. I feel it’s very disrespectful towards her BD, who is very actively involved in their daughters life and also has a say, especially when the new BF is trying to play daddy i.e. paying for half the Santa gifts and kisses on the lips when it’s just about been six months.

The thread is at my own discretion and nothing something she will come across. I am aware I should talk with her face to face but as someone who isn’t a parent, only an aunty, I felt I needed some mum advice or input.

Oh will you stop it. It’s literally none of your business how your friend got pregnant or what kinds of sex she likes. And it’s also completely irrelevant to the situation now since the child is here and three. Your friend is allowed to introduce her DD to her partner . It’s unfortunate if dad is jealous, but again absolutely none of this has anything whatsoever to do with you.

flowerchild2000 · 22/12/2023 01:59

ItsMeNotTheProblem · 22/12/2023 01:30

But the OP is sure her friend, who is a parent, won’t come across this thread on a parenting website.

Show quote history

I REALLY hope she does, so she knows who her child's "aunty" really is. Be careful who you confide in ladies.

momonpurpose · 22/12/2023 02:22

WandaWonder · 22/12/2023 01:07

if you have a genuine fear I would say something once then I would not contact or be friends with them again

Agreed. I will never understand why parents do this kind of thing. It never turns out well. God forbid something happens or that this is one of many men she'll expose her child to

Sunflower8848 · 22/12/2023 03:15

This sounds like red flag central. I couldn’t be friends with someone as thoughtless as your friend, it would be like watching a slow car crash. Argh.

HerMammy · 22/12/2023 03:53

Your friend? sounds more like you're the BDs partner.

Emma8888 · 22/12/2023 04:11

Some kids are affectionate and will kiss and cuddle adults they are not related to if they feel safe and secure with them. My friends' kids would frequently kiss me when they were toddlers and saying night night at their houses, just as they did with their mum, it was completely normal in our group of friends. There's nothing weird about it unless you make it weird.

MariaLuna · 22/12/2023 04:24

. Men needs to sort their own contraception out.

Good luck with that one.

Women need to sort their own contraception. They are the ones that get pregnant.

Did feminism pass you by?

Emma8888 · 22/12/2023 04:40

MariaLuna · 22/12/2023 04:24

. Men needs to sort their own contraception out.

Good luck with that one.

Women need to sort their own contraception. They are the ones that get pregnant.

Did feminism pass you by?

If a man doesn’t want the responsibility of a child then he takes measures to prevent conception (condoms, vasectomy, abstinence etc.) just as women take responsibility for their own contraception. It is an unfortunate truth you cannot 100% trust the other party.

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 22/12/2023 07:53

HerMammy · 22/12/2023 03:53

Your friend? sounds more like you're the BDs partner.

Yep. So obvious.

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 22/12/2023 07:54

MariaLuna · 22/12/2023 04:24

. Men needs to sort their own contraception out.

Good luck with that one.

Women need to sort their own contraception. They are the ones that get pregnant.

Did feminism pass you by?

No, which is why I don’t blame women for getting pregnant all on their own.

Women have like a 2 day window per month to get pregnant. A man has no idea when he can impregnate a woman. So surely it’s wiser for him to take control of his own contraception?

Why the fuck do we infantilise men who know very well the primary purpose of sex is to create a baby, then are shocked to the core when having sex creates a baby? Why are they the victims?

Doingmybest12 · 22/12/2023 08:10

All the background detail not relevant. Yes she's introduced a new man very quickly and letting him be significant in her child's life and letting him overstep boundaries. So not the wisest decisions to make but she is free to make them. I can see why you feel uncomfortable. I think saying anything will not do anything to change her thinking.

Ace56 · 22/12/2023 08:13

Another thread where the OP is unnecessarily getting a hard time. Of course it’s none of her business, but LOADS of threads are written which are about other people and not the OP themselves. We’re social beings who are meant to be surrounded by people so of course we are going to make judgements about others and other situations, especially if we know someone is making bad choices. And why shouldn’t we judge? We have every right to. Is the war in Gaza none of our business either? The trial of Brianna Ghey’s murderers, who gives a shit right, as it’s nothing to do with us? Most news items as well? Come off it.

OP I agree with you, this doesn’t sound like a great set up. However if there’s no abuse going on then there’s nothing you can really do except be there for your friend when the situation inevitably ends badly.

Tozin · 22/12/2023 08:23

The only part that would concern me is that the little girl has formed a close bond with the new boyfriend. It would be heartbreaking If the couple broke up.
So my thoughts are, it’s all a little too much too early in the relationship.

Mayhavingbabyinmay · 22/12/2023 08:27

Ace56 · 22/12/2023 08:13

Another thread where the OP is unnecessarily getting a hard time. Of course it’s none of her business, but LOADS of threads are written which are about other people and not the OP themselves. We’re social beings who are meant to be surrounded by people so of course we are going to make judgements about others and other situations, especially if we know someone is making bad choices. And why shouldn’t we judge? We have every right to. Is the war in Gaza none of our business either? The trial of Brianna Ghey’s murderers, who gives a shit right, as it’s nothing to do with us? Most news items as well? Come off it.

OP I agree with you, this doesn’t sound like a great set up. However if there’s no abuse going on then there’s nothing you can really do except be there for your friend when the situation inevitably ends badly.

Right!!!! Don't know why everyone is getting such a huff when she only provided additional contact in response to someone else and clearly isn't judging but looking at whether she is right to feel funny as someone without kids.

I also agree that is two people are coparenting, there SHOULD be agreement between the pair when they decide to introduce their significant other. I'm sure if the BD introduced his 3 month GF to his daughter without the mothers agreement, who then started playing 'mummy', you would all be up in a huff

Ficklebricks · 22/12/2023 08:51

I totally understand where you're coming from OP.

My sister used to shower my kids with performative displays of love, running across the playground and bear hugging them, much to their friends amusement. She would get very over excited with them, tickling them non stop, egging them on, pretending she was one of the kids, with no sense of being a responsible adult and knowing where to stop. She would invade their personal space constantly, squeezing them into hugs they didn't ask for and telling them they were so lucky they had the best Aunt.

Whilst it's not exactly the same as your story, there's something in our guts which tells us when someone is pretending to love kids in order to play a role versus actually genuinely caring about them. I get the sense this new guy is relishing the role of 'best dad' and the couple are using it to hurt the birth father.

My sister now doesn't speak to my children, she refused to even make eye contact with them on the school run before she moved away. The tide turned literally overnight when they no longer supplied her narcissistic kicks. Her interactions with them never sat right with me, in my gut I just knew it was a bit uncanny valley and fake. Turns out I was absolutely right and she never cared for them. They haven't even had a Christmas card off her this year, she's distracted by other more shiny things.

I suspect this new guy might be doing the same thing. It's not usually possible to love someone else's child within a month of meeting that person. It's just too soon, it takes time to build that kind of bond for a step parent.

Ultimately there's nothing you can do but watch as they toy with the child's emotions and see the kids heart break when they inevitably break up. Honestly in your situation I would withdraw from this friend as her life sounds a mess, her priorities are not on her child and it will be difficult to witness the fallout.

divinededacende · 22/12/2023 12:03

People are giving you a rough ride here about it being none of your business and, in some ways, it isn't but it's information your friend has shared with you and it's left you conflicted.

She's shared details of behaviours that seem to go against your own values so it's absolutely fair to be questioning your place in all of this and what it might mean for your friendship.

It's true that there's nothing you can do about any of it. You can feel sympathy for the BD who's being sidelined and you can judge her for her actions all you like but it's her life, not yours. All you can do is look at the facts and decide whether that's the sort of person you want in your life and then own your choice. But if you decide it's not a dealbreaker then you need to move on and let this go. Assuming you're similar ages, you're young and finding your place in the world and who you are. It's natural for friendships to drift apart as people grow and you realise you're not the same people with the same world views.

Although, to anyone giving the girl a free ride on the contraception issue. Yes, contraception should be everyone's responsibility and you have to lie in the bed you make for yourself but deception from either party is wrong no matter what way you spin it!