To ask for some advice on how to help my daughter?

8 replies

SmellyKat10 · 21/12/2023 22:40

My daughter has just turned 9. She’s quite shy, bookish, and so kind and clever. She has a little group of pals who until now have given her no issues and they all seemed to get on well, no drama.

The past couple of weeks, my daughter (who usually loves school) has started to say she doesn’t want to go. Her two closest friends are “annoying” her. They’re hyper in her face a lot, carrying on and acting up. They grab her and hug her and stuff like that. Help themselves to her lunch (she says they aren’t being mean, they just want it - they are quite young for 9…) She doesn’t like it. One of them is also super moody, keeps going in the huff, which she finds really upsetting.

I’ve been emphatic that no one should be grabbing or hugging her if she doesn’t like it. I’ve told her to leave the moody one to her bad mood rather than chasing after her. I’ve said that she must stand up for herself, set her boundaries, and I’ve given her some things she could say when she wants them to leave her alone. I’ve also tried to talk her into playing with others in the group etc. But she’s timid and hates confrontation and just seems unable to do it. They are just dominating her and she is miserable.

I could speak to her teacher, I’m happy to do that, but honestly I’m not sure how her teacher can really help because the girls aren’t really being mean or anything - they are just “annoying”, moody etc. I feel like this needs to come from her. But I am desperate to help her because she seems so sad 😞

i should also say that she’s knackered and it’s been a long term. I was hoping that maybe they just need a little break from each other, but I’m not really convinced.

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Original poster

SmellyKat10 · 21/12/2023 23:37

Anyone?

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SevenHells · 21/12/2023 23:48

Does she do anything outside of school? It sounds like you have given the right advice but extra curricular activities might help give her something else to focus on, so that school and school friends don't seem the be all and end all.

Singleandproud · 21/12/2023 23:48

Honestly, year 4-5 are the worst for friend ship issues until they hit year 8-9. You've done everything you can, given good advice, perhaps practise scripting a couple of scenarios to help her with how to react but part of getting older is managing these friendship issues. She may well find as she's gotten older she has less in common with these girls and changes friendship groups

Littlemissmagnet · 21/12/2023 23:50

Is she in Yr 4? Cause that's when hormones kick in?

PrancerandDancer · 21/12/2023 23:51

My thoughts when reading this is maybe they are hyped up for the Christmas break. It's been such an intense term, even my usually quiet DD has been wired.

Also, with the moody friend, could it be puberty hitting early? I was an early starter and the emotions and hormones were INTENSE.

Maybe the Christmas break is just what is needed and Jan things will have calmed down.

Working on assertiveness and confidence is never a bad thing though. My little one tends to be a follower and goes with the flow so we've been working on her finding her voice.

theduchessofspork · 21/12/2023 23:52

It sounds like they are in the early stages of adolescence - so it might be worth getting her a book about that for general background.

I would focus on encouraging her to broaden her friendship group - invite other girls over or whatever. I also think clubs outside school take some of the intensity out of school because they give you another peer group.

I would absolutely speak to the teacher about them taking her lunch and grabbing her. The teacher can help with that, and it’s important to stop it as it could start to feel like bullying to your daughter even if that’s not what’s intended.

Original poster

SmellyKat10 · 22/12/2023 00:17

Thank you. I really appreciate the advice. Yes, she’s in year 4 and I’m definitely starting to see some little changes in her attitude etc. She just seems a bit…older all
of a sudden.

She doesn’t so much out of school, except brownies which her friends all go to, so that’s definitely something I’m going to look into in the new year. That’s a great idea and would hopefully help to build her confidence.

@PrancerandDancer can I ask, what sort of things are you doing to help your daughter with assertiveness/find her voice? This is something I’d really like to work on with my daughter.

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SunflowerBaby · 22/12/2023 00:35

My dd is Y5 and has had a nightmare this year with friendship issues. She's quite mature for her age and finding a lot of her friends seem more immature and get involved in 'drama' all the time, which she hates. Dd is autistic but never had problems with friendships or school before, but now hates school and spends a lot of time on her own at break time. I've been told my many people that this age is the worst for it.

I agree with pp who said about doing things outside of school. One of the best pieces of advice I got was to try and widen her social circle, so I started her at a drama club locally and she loves it. She's got some great friends there and loves it, and when she's had a bad week at school I can always count on her drama club on cheering her up. It's made a huge difference since the school problems started.

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