'D'H tells me to f*** off, how should I respond

Mammabear12345 · 2023-12-21T19:32:43+00:00

DH just got home from work, 2 year old having the most mega tantrum (he is very tired). DH takes over, for which I'm glad. Go up after a few minutes to see if he needs any help and he tells me to F* off. WWYD?

historygeek · 21/12/2023 19:33

What would I do? I'd fuck all the way off out of the relationship

Birdcar · 21/12/2023 19:36

I'd get my coat and bag and head out for the evening.

I'd expect an explanation and a very genuine apology when he calms down.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 21/12/2023 19:36

He literally shouted at you to F off? Totally out of order

wasanneofcleves · 21/12/2023 19:36

historygeek · 21/12/2023 19:33

What would I do? I'd fuck all the way off out of the relationship

Reasonable advice on mumsnet as ever 🙄

wasanneofcleves · 21/12/2023 19:36

I would expect an apology and tell him it's not acceptable. Then I would get over it unless it's a pattern of behaviour of similar language.

RockAndRollerskate · 21/12/2023 19:37

If you’re confident the 2yo is safe, I would follow his instructions and fuck right off for a bit.

Come back after and have a discussion about the many reasons as to why that was not ok.

historygeek · 21/12/2023 19:38

wasanneofcleves · 21/12/2023 19:36

Reasonable advice on mumsnet as ever 🙄

Show quote history

Would you stay in a relationship where your DH tells you to fuck off in front of a 2yo?!

Lilithlogic · 21/12/2023 19:41

Is this normal for him? Not condoning his behaviour in anyway and I hate to say but. But had he managed to settle the little one down and may have been thinking you checking would set him off again?

hitherandhither · 21/12/2023 19:41

In my relationship (which isn't perfect by a long stretch!) we don't swear at each other - ever. Neither do the kids swear at me or I them. So to be told to f* off would be a huge deal and deemed very offensive. I see it as abuse.

I have friends though who swear at each other all the time, so this would not be a huge deal.

Which one are you?

EmptyYoghurtPot · 21/12/2023 19:47

hitherandhither · 21/12/2023 19:41

In my relationship (which isn't perfect by a long stretch!) we don't swear at each other - ever. Neither do the kids swear at me or I them. So to be told to f* off would be a huge deal and deemed very offensive. I see it as abuse.

I have friends though who swear at each other all the time, so this would not be a huge deal.

Which one are you?

We have a liberal approach to swearing in our family, and using the f word would not be a huge deal - unless it is said directly to another person. That’s a whole different matter, to us at least.

Eekmystro · 21/12/2023 19:49

Is this very unusual or common?

If common then obviously end the relationship

If very unusual I would go down stairs and wait and see his reaction. If he came down and apologised I’d accept it but make it clear it’s not ok.

id want to be near by to hear what’s he’s up to with the riddle though if he is feeling that frustrated

Original poster

Mammabear12345 · 21/12/2023 19:50

Good question, I swear quite a bit but not in front of DC, and not at people (e.g. that was fing annoying is fine, imho, but you fing twat is not!). My DH has only spoken English for about 10 years. He swears a LOT in his first language but that doesn't bother me. His swearing in English has increased over the last 2-3 years. He recently started a new job where everyone swears at each other in the office (I think this is weird!?) So I guess maybe still forming boundaries about swearing? I've calmed down now, I think I'll just go have a little chat now DC are asleep. And yes, I think he was annoyed that my being there was possibly setting 2 yo off again, I just wanted to check if he needed anything!

OP posts:

shewithnoname · 21/12/2023 19:52

Maybe other half had got your little one to the point of calming down, closing their eyes and settling down and you appearing had just undone all the work that DH had just put in and his words were more out of frustration? Maybe DH has had a pretty rough day at work, and has come home, and done the right thing and taken the little one off you to give you a break, and nothing is working and your appearing maybe made him feel useless and ineffective as a parent?

theres too little context here... you don't say how the little one is at this point, are they still screaming and carrying on, are they calmer? from your statement you've only given DH a couple of minutes... thats hardly any time to settle an over tired infant.

are you more bothered about the swear word? its use around your little one? or the fact that your DH has used it on you?

camaleon77 · 21/12/2023 19:53

If English is not his native language this may have totally different connotations.
I have said totally inappropriate things because they did not have the same "weight" to me. In a moment of tension with you "fuck off" must be the fastest that comes to his mouth. Talk to him later.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 21/12/2023 19:54

For now, I'd go to the pub/wine bar. Longer term, I'd be reviewing the relationship.

shewithnoname · 21/12/2023 19:55

ChocolateCinderToffee · 21/12/2023 19:54

For now, I'd go to the pub/wine bar. Longer term, I'd be reviewing the relationship.

oh good lord! seriously?

StephanieSuperpowers · 21/12/2023 19:58

I would be very unimpressed by that kind of verbal aggression in front of a toddler.

10HailMarys · 21/12/2023 20:01

Mammabear12345 · 21/12/2023 19:50

Good question, I swear quite a bit but not in front of DC, and not at people (e.g. that was fing annoying is fine, imho, but you fing twat is not!). My DH has only spoken English for about 10 years. He swears a LOT in his first language but that doesn't bother me. His swearing in English has increased over the last 2-3 years. He recently started a new job where everyone swears at each other in the office (I think this is weird!?) So I guess maybe still forming boundaries about swearing? I've calmed down now, I think I'll just go have a little chat now DC are asleep. And yes, I think he was annoyed that my being there was possibly setting 2 yo off again, I just wanted to check if he needed anything!

Assuming he’s generally a good bloke and there’s not a pattern of abuse going on, then this really sounds to me like a man at the end of his tether who speaks English as his second language being irritated that you (albeit with only good intentions) had appeared and perhaps made things worse with your toddler who was maybe just about to settle. Obviously it’s not OK to tell your wife to fuck off or to swear in front of a toddler but nobody’s perfect and it’s not the crime of century. When you’ve both calmed down a bit, explain why it was so hurtful and why it’s not something you want to hear from him again.

wasanneofcleves · 21/12/2023 21:03

@historygeek yes of course I would unless it was a pattern of long term verbal abuse or behaviour. It would be frankly ludicrous to end a marriage and break up a family because of one utterance of "fuck off".

"Mummy why did you and daddy break up"

"Because he told me to fuck off once"

Not quite a good enough reason is it.

I would hope that her DH was stressed and doesn't normally act this unpleasantly towards her. But the OP was entirely lacking in context or background. Certainly far too lacking to immediately tell her to LTB