How do I get out of this horrible cycle?

[docmcstu]

Been with my boyfriend a year and a half. We are both early 30s. I'm not getting from him what I need but I can't seem to walk away. When I try and tell him he's not meeting my needs, he turns it around and makes me feel as if I'm crazy. I feel addicted to him and am really struggling to break the cycle.

Last night we had an argument, I sent him a text and he said it was accusatory and basically told me to piss off. I was really upset and thought I can't do this anymore so I blocked him on everything. But of course this morning I unblocked him, told him I was sorry, reeled him back in with sex. He responded saying I get one last chance but if I continue to be paranoid we are over.

So I now feel on top of the world because he's given me another chance but I feel like this full argument was due to his behaviour but Im not allowed to bring it up. I know this is so unhealthy. I will feel good for a few days then I will start to feel anxious again. Then it will happen again. It always does, I always reel him back in with sex then he gives me another chance then it happens all over again. I feel miserable but I honestly don't have the strength to walk away. I have even asked him to block me before but he won't.

He could honestly take me or leave me, that's how I feel. I am a successful, professional woman. I have lots of friends, amazing family, a lovely life on paper. I have had relationships break down before and been able to move on. This feels like a proper addiction and I can't walk away from him. He's not even a narcissist or anything, he simply just doesn't care about me the way I do him.

How do I break this. I don't have the strength. I have had lots of trauma in my life which does make me afraid of being abandoned but as I say, it hasn't caused me too many problems in the past. Each time I do this as well it chips away at our relationship. I wish we could go back to the start.

What needs is he not meeting? Is he emotionally distant?

Have you told him exactly what he is not meeting?

Dont just block him, delete his number out of your phone too/change your number. You really need to white knuckle it but stop giving into it all

He's emotionally distant and yes I've told him this. He says that he tells me he loves me and that I'm just insecure and paranoid and I just can't tell if I am being or not. I know rationally, if he's not meeting my needs then I leave but I worry I am being insecure and I'm throwing away a good man.

When did the problem start?

You can do OP and you know you have to. Have some respect for yourself and find someone who treats you well. You are tying yourself in knots for someone who makes you feel they can take of leave you. Get some support to unravel this

From the very beginning to be honest. Since the third date it's been me chasing him.

You need to just break it off and not contact him again.

Logically, what else can you do? It seems like the best option, as well as the only one.

As for him not being narcissistic, he doesn't exactly sound high in empathy and low in being manipulative either. But you've been chasing him since near the beginning. Stop doing that.

Have you spoken about your future? Marriage, kids etc?

1.5 years isn’t that long together in the grand scheme of things. Guys will typically be slower to think about the long term.

Assume you’re already living together?

Look up attachment styles. You seem to have an anxious attachment style and he seems to have an avoidant one. The more you anxiously chase the more he withdraws. Look at your childhood patterns in particular the relationship with your parents. You need to recognise those and heal your own trauma as he will never be able to meet those needs. We're your emotional needs met, do you subconsciously think that this was because you didn't deserve them to be met or weren't worth it. Are you repeating those behaviours, thinking this time I will be worth it. Don't place your sense of self and worth in someone who themselves are reacting to their own trauma. What caused him to be avoidant? It's work both of you need to do separately and independently but it is difficult work and it may not be be possible to do it within the current relationship.