Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in worrying about my partner's behaviour? I'm worried it's becoming abusive?

22 replies

Eric4No7 · 21/12/2023 11:35

My partner and I have kids and have been together for over 5 yrs. Generally we get on well, and he is a good dad. Last week we had a conflict and he shouted and swore at me in front of the kids before school. Whilst they were at school (we both work from home), things calmed down then flared up again and he pushed me backwards hard and I was hurt. I had been standing in a doorway talking to him and he became really angry very suddenly, called me the C word many times, then shoved me over. He has pushed me before, threatened to withdraw help and support, threatened to make us homeless, excluded me from family events, made me get out the car if we are driving and having an argument, and we have regularly fought in front of the kids. He will swear at me, undermine me, tell me I'm pathetic and in the past, when I was recieving help for PND during covid, he has threatened to tell people I'm crazy. We started off on a very even footing in the relaionship, we both have degrees, but I have been out of work looking after the kids for years, or working in very low-paid jobs, and he is the breadwinner and the tenant on our AST. I work as a cleaner a few nights a week and he regularly says I need to stop to spend more time with him. I'm very isolated as I live at opposite end of the country from family and we moved to a new city a year ago and I don't have any friends there yet. Our kids are very young. We have done couples counselling before, and he has done some individual counselling (he has had some past traumas), and it seemed to help for a while, but I'm scared that things will get worse if I stay. When we're getting on he can be lovely, a good dad and quite supportive. On the other hand, he spends most evenings getting high and playing computer games. I don't even know what I want anymore. What is happening here, should I leave?

OP posts:
bedbugsandbedsheets · 21/12/2023 11:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ace249 · 21/12/2023 11:38

it's not
becoming abusive. It IS already abusive. And it will escalate. And your children will be affected. Definitely get your ducks in a row and prepare to leave. Wiser,
more experienced mumsnetters will
be along in a minute to give advice

Zoreos · 21/12/2023 11:38

OP, you are absolutely right this behaviour is extremely abusive and dangerous. You need to make a plan to leave him because you and your children are at risk whilst you stay, things never get better only worse. Women’s aid can offer you invaluable advice I would strongly recommend calling them as soon as possible. His good side is just that, a side. Anyone who is capable of the sorts of behaviours your DP is displaying is not a good person and he’s showing you that’s his TRUE self.

FuckOffTom · 21/12/2023 11:42

He is already abusive. The fact you have to ask shows he has already skewed your version of normal.
Couples argue - they don’t push and shove or make threats or behave this way. If you stay, it could get worse. He will keep pushing and pushing to see what he can get away with. Get out as soon as you can and don’t tell him your plans for doing so.

Catza · 21/12/2023 11:44

It's not "becoming abusive". He's been abusive for years. All the signs are there - emotional manipulation, physical assault, verbal assault, isolation from family... Please contact local woman's shelter for further support.
Under no circumstances attempt to leave him or threaten to leave without professional support in place. Most cases of femicide happen when the victim is attempting to leave the relationship

WASZPy · 21/12/2023 11:45

If you've been together 5 years and already have 2 school age kids, presumably you barely knew him before you were pregnant with his child? He's trapped you.

Original poster
Eric4No7 · 21/12/2023 11:45

I'm thinking about leaving. But I'm worried about how it will impact the kids. I keep hoping that there is something that we haven't tried yet that will fix this? He has said he won't do counselling anymore, but he bought a book on anger management, and said that he acknowledges that he has a problem... apparently he told his family about what happened this time, and they gave him a bit of a telling off, but said that these things happen? Now he's acting like everything is normal. I feel like I'm going mad. My family all really like him, and my dad especially thinks I'm being a bit over the top about this. My partner said that we could separate, but has refused to move out of the house and nothing has actually changed? He's kicked me out before but we always get back together. I want to make my mind up thins time before I forget how much this upset me, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
NightisdarkandfullofterrorsGOT · 21/12/2023 11:46

A good dad doesn’t frighten their children by shouting at their mum in front of them. He’s not a good dad and he is abusive.

WASZPy · 21/12/2023 11:47

Even if you don't leave now (which you probably should) you must make yourself financially independent so you can leave whenever you decide you need to.

Toooldtoworry · 21/12/2023 11:49

Eric4No7 · 21/12/2023 11:45

I'm thinking about leaving. But I'm worried about how it will impact the kids. I keep hoping that there is something that we haven't tried yet that will fix this? He has said he won't do counselling anymore, but he bought a book on anger management, and said that he acknowledges that he has a problem... apparently he told his family about what happened this time, and they gave him a bit of a telling off, but said that these things happen? Now he's acting like everything is normal. I feel like I'm going mad. My family all really like him, and my dad especially thinks I'm being a bit over the top about this. My partner said that we could separate, but has refused to move out of the house and nothing has actually changed? He's kicked me out before but we always get back together. I want to make my mind up thins time before I forget how much this upset me, if that makes sense.

I left my very abusive ex husband when my son was 8 months old. Getting out and doing the freedom was the best thing that happened to me and my now adult DS. He has recently told me it is the best thing I ever did for him.

Weddingpuzzle · 21/12/2023 11:59

You are experiencing physical and emotional abuse love. You are feeling upset and bereft because you are being abused. If this wasn't happening, it wasn't a big deal and you weren't experiencing abuse you wouldn't feel this way.

Also - can i just point out that I experienced very significant sexual abuse as a child, and I also experienced physical abuse by my ex husband and have had diagnosed mental health problems. I have never shoved anyone as an adult, nor have i called them names, or emotionally abused anyone. I have felt very shit about my life so I got medication, changed my lifestyle and had psychotherapy. I didn't make it anyone else's problem. I have had some anger directed towards myself when I drank alcohol so guess what I did? Took responsibility, stopped drinking alcohol and changed my behaviour. You are not responsible for your partners trauma or poor mental health and emotional regulation. neither are your DC. The only person who is is your partner. He doesn't get to absolve himself of taking responsibility for that and take it out on you. It's wrong. In the eyes of decent people, society, the law, the government and your children it is wrong. He is wrong.

Firefly2009 · 21/12/2023 12:07

This isn't becoming abusive, it all ready is, and has been, very abusive.

Plan your escape.

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/12/2023 12:09

Becoming abusive? That ship has sailed op. Get out now before it gets worse (and it will).

MereDintofPandiculation · 21/12/2023 12:09

and he is a good dad. Last week we had a conflict and he shouted and swore at me in front of the kids before school. THose two things cannot be simultaneously true.

GCAcademic · 21/12/2023 12:09

NightisdarkandfullofterrorsGOT · 21/12/2023 11:46

A good dad doesn’t frighten their children by shouting at their mum in front of them. He’s not a good dad and he is abusive.

This. Your children are already being damaged by this.

RowanMayfair · 21/12/2023 12:12

You don't get on well and he's not a good dad. Please make plans to leave.

PaminaMozart · 21/12/2023 12:15

Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. Available as a free pdf online.

And call Women's Aid.

Penguinfeet24 · 21/12/2023 12:15

Yes. Yes you should leave, and ASAP. I can guarantee you the kids will suffer more if you stay than if you leave.

curaçao · 21/12/2023 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OrchardBlack · 21/12/2023 12:17

But I'm worried about how it will impact the kids

They are being much more impacted from witnessing the domestic violence, trust me.
New legislation may be coming into place that if a child is regularly witnessing DV/DA, it is considered a form of emotional abuse.

Do the right thing by them and get out.

fatandhappy47 · 21/12/2023 12:22

Better for your kids if you separate so they don't see you fighting in front of each other

Merryoldgoat · 21/12/2023 12:23

It sounds like he’s been abusive for a long time. You need to get out.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page