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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if I’ve permanently damaged my relationship with ds?

15 replies

Wowthewind · 21/12/2023 08:36

Probably a tad dramatic but I do feel things have shifted permanently.

he is 3. I pretty much did everything for the first two and a half years, partly because was on maternity then part time. Since having another child I’ve been pushed out in favour of his dad.

I know he must be jealous and I have really tried but there’s a limit to what I can do. Did anyone else have this issue? Does it come with getting older and does it come back? Just feel a bit sad.

OP posts:

TeenDivided · 21/12/2023 08:39

I think it can be important to make time, even if he complains.
e.g. Alternate bedtimes with your partner so you swap children each night.
Plus some special time while baby is asleep, or doing things just with him because baby is too young.

DelilahsHaven · 21/12/2023 08:39

Try not to worry. At this age and stage this is very common. It feels horrible, but things will settle down.

Original poster

Wowthewind · 21/12/2023 08:41

@TeenDivided i think this is where there’s a limit to what I can do. He has screaming tantrums if I do bedtime which means he’s so worked up it takes hours to go to bed. Baby has only very recently started to sleep not on me - I’ll try to do something special with him but generally he’s not massively into playing with me at home, he’s always been a bit better out of the house. It’s tough.

OP posts:

Tacotortoise · 21/12/2023 08:44

Gently, this is madness. Your ds loves you but, new child or no, the nature of your relationship with him will change and develop as he grows. A mother - infant relationship isn't suitable for a 3 year old and it's quite normal for children to go through phases of preferring the other parent. He may be jealous of the new baby but that's normal too. At 3 he's becoming more aware of the wider world and wanting to branch out and he's becoming aware that he's changing, growing and his own sex. He's starting to know that he's going to grow up to be a man like daddy so he's starting to look more at daddy to see what that means. You'll always be his mum, he'll always be your son and you'll love each other but you cannot always be his whole world as you were at first.

Original poster

Wowthewind · 21/12/2023 08:46

Oh I’ve no issue with that and in some ways welcome the change. I agree it wouldn’t be appropriate at all to have the same relationship with a two year old as with a twelve year old, but when he screams NO NO MUMMY when I go near him to read a story it is a tad disconcerting.

OP posts:

PuttingDownRoots · 21/12/2023 08:49

Are you currently on maternity leave with new baby?

I'm guessing he spends more time with you than his dad. Its quite common for them to prefer the parent they see less of in the time they do see them.

Mine are 10&12 now. They still have periods of wanting DH more than me or vice versa.

kinkytoes · 21/12/2023 08:50

The moment my ds was born I was told by someone close to me that he would break my heart. It's so true, and happens many times over.

New baby in the family changes the dynamics between everyone in that family.

So. No, it will never be the same as it was. And that's OK because nothing ever stays the same anyway, especially with children as they grow and change so often. My advice, don't get too comfy with any version of your children (I'm still waiting for things to settle many years down the line). And it's OK to feel sad about what's been, it's perfectly natural.

Just cherish them every day and try not to take things too personally. We need to develop a thick skin when we become parents. Your babies will always be your babies and they will always come back to you x

Original poster

Wowthewind · 21/12/2023 08:51

Yes, although I’ve kept his place at nursery. It probably bothers me because reading stories at bedtime is one of the parenting tasks I actually enjoy and now I am banned from it

OP posts:

Catza · 21/12/2023 08:54

My friends went through something similar. Their little girl (the eldest child) went through a stage of being completely obsessed with daddy. Followed him around, had real meltdowns if he couldn't attend nursery plays and generally didn't let him out of her sight. It settled after about a year. She is 18 now and has lovely relationships with both parents.

ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd · 21/12/2023 09:22

Try getting dad to say that he loves reading him a book/putting him to bed but tonight it's mummy's turn. You then repeat that your really looking forward to reading him his book/putting him to bed. Tell him whose turn it will be tomorrow. This technique worked wonders when our boy rejected daddy. You might have to do it for a while before tantrums fully stop but we deploy it each time a phase of rejection comes

CasperGutman · 21/12/2023 09:23

It is a positive thing that your child has a good relationship with his father. Many do not. In fact, many have no father in their life at all. It's not a competition to be the favourite parent. Raising children takes a team.

RKP123 · 30/12/2023 07:00

My oldest is 3 and a half, youngest is 5 months. He is going through a daddy phase. It happened before I had youngest so I'm not too worried.
I still have both through the day as husband works. I think it's good the oldest is getting someone's fall attention and once youngest is a bit older I think you can start doing a bit more with the oldest again.
I'm beast feeding so at the moment it just works better that husbands helps with the oldest more, but it does get to me too. I do miss time my oldest but when baby naps he gets my full attention. I'm sure you haven't damaged anything and hopefully he'll love his sibling as he gets older. I've never begrudged my mum for having two babies.

OrdinaryGirl · 30/12/2023 07:22

Normal normal. I’m invoking the MN Mantra: It’s just a phase. Also normal for it to feel really upsetting, so extend a little grace to yourself, OP. 💐 Remain as serenely unruffled as you can - his Donald Duck quack-attacks are not going to change your love for him, and they will pass.

My three boys are now 10, 7 and 7, and all of them at one time or another have gone through warmer and cooler phases towards me and DH. One of the twins would only tell me he loved me only on a quarterly basis for a while, now it’s every day.

Your loving boy will be back before you know it and then one day you will be able to reassure a worried mum like you that there is an ebb and flow to these things. All will be well. 💝

Anderson2018 · 30/12/2023 09:32

i have a 3 year old and a baby and I find taking my 3 year old out and spending one on one time with him helps. Don’t worry just keep trying when your husband is there to help with the baby just try and spend time with him.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 30/12/2023 09:36

Mine has done this swing back and fourth. The first time it happened I was really upset as I didn't understand that kids just do this. I'm back as favour of the month at the moment but know next week it could easily be DP that is. Just ride the waves and enjoy the peace when he's on a daddy fave phase.

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