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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad/shitty about this

25 replies

InstantDestiny · 20/12/2023 20:04

Ex and I split 2.5 yrs ago.

Most of our friends were “my” friends and I was the one who made all the arrangements for socialising. He became close with one of my best friends husbands, child and her tbh. We used to socialise with them a lot and often spent NYE with them.

Ex was physically, mentally and verbally abusive to me, and he cut out most of my family and friends when I left.

These particular friends have remained neutral (which is fine) and ex still spends time with them.

He has arranged to spend NYE with them meaning that I will spend it alone for the first time in my adult life (late 40s) as my kids are at parties, friends all doing stuff with partners or abroad visiting family.

AIBU to feel a bit shitty that after an absolutely shit year where I had a long time off due to being diagnosed with PSTD mainly due to his behaviour and I was the one who cultivated and maintained the friendships that or is me who will end up alone on NYE.

He has fallen out with most of “his” friends and his family are beyond dreadful. 😥

OP posts:
Mommywomb · 20/12/2023 20:10

I am so sorry to read this thread! I am sorry that you would have to spend the time alone on NYE!
can you go to your family? Anyone close to you distance wise and mentally?

or just treat yourself! Have a wine, nice dinner ordered/made etc and watch soaps or bell go for downtown to see the fireworks and a very nice dinner and drinks before nearby….

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 20/12/2023 20:14

My dad is about to have an op and I think I would be worse eating out alone, would make me feel more lonely.

Also not sure about being out and about near fireworks alone.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 20/12/2023 20:17

You say that he has arranged to spend NYE with them so do you mean that he proactively went out of his way to ensure he would be with them rather than them wanting to invite him?

I’m sorry you will find yourself alone on NYE and hope you can find something enjoyable to do. Maybe invite someone to your place early on in the year to make sure you have a good NYE next year.

Whattodo112222 · 20/12/2023 20:17

Do you have other friends?

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 20/12/2023 20:21

Yes I have lots of friends but a lot of my friends aren’t English and have gone abroad to see family or have made plans with partners etc and I don’t want to muscle in/be a third wheel.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 20/12/2023 20:23

Do your friends know about the abuse?

One night, especially the first one alone in your adult life, will be no problem and you may find it delightful. But in general don't miss out on your friends because they don't have the full picture of how he has behaved. If they are your real friends they won't want you to be cut adrift but you need to make sure the narrative is accurate.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 20/12/2023 20:26

They know but they are trying to support us both. I think he has played the victim a little bit they are intelligent people and have worked in the DA field.

I know it’s just one night but the worst year for me to be spending it alone and I spend most nights alone anyway 🙈🙈🤣

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 20/12/2023 20:28

Have you spent NYE with them the last 2 years since being single? Unless your usual tradition whilst single had been to spend it with them then I think YABU, if you haven’t spent it with them for a few years and didn’t ask to spend it with them this year they can hardly be blamed for agreeing to spend it with your ex. Obviously if you have spent it with them the last 2 years since being single I do understand your upset, but if you had better offers last year and spent it elsewhere but would have spent it with them this year because you have nowhere else YABU.

To add, if this is the first time you’ve spent NYE in over 40 years then to be honest count yourself lucky. I will be on my own on NYE as I have almost every year in the last decade, I often spend Christmas alone too, not really by choice but I have such a small network of friends/ family it’s very common for me not to have anyone to spend it with.

CavalierApproach · 20/12/2023 20:31

It seems weird for one of your best friends to be “neutral” about your abusive husband. Does she know about the abuse?

If so, then surely she’s not really such a good friend - which is sad, but it’s probably better that you recognise it.

In general re NYE, I think it’s all about how you frame it. Socialising on that night isn’t obligatory and plenty of adults don’t prioritise it. Can you get something lovely to eat/read/watch, and have a peaceful night in?

Although if you do want to see fireworks I’m not sure why it would be unwise to go see them alone — at least, any more so than doing other activities on your own after dark? As long as they’re a properly managed display, they should be safe.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 20/12/2023 20:35

It’s the noise of the fireworks, it sets off my PTSD.

OP posts:
uclpp · 20/12/2023 20:38

You will be fine on your own. Treat it as any other evening. Have a nice time.

and get those “friends” to arm’s length. They have clearly picked a side by having him round for nye.

Hearmenow23 · 20/12/2023 20:42

I couldn't be friends with them anyway. How can they support an abuser?

Allthingsdecember · 20/12/2023 20:46

InstantDestiny · 20/12/2023 20:26

They know but they are trying to support us both. I think he has played the victim a little bit they are intelligent people and have worked in the DA field.

I know it’s just one night but the worst year for me to be spending it alone and I spend most nights alone anyway 🙈🙈🤣

If they know about the abuse but are staying neutral, they are not good friends.

I’m sorry you’re on your own on NYE OP. Could you get yourself some lovely treats (some nice food, bath stuff etc) and have a self care evening?

Southpoint · 20/12/2023 20:51

Those friends should just be your friends after divorce. I expect loyalty but sometimes is when people show their love for you or not. I would organise a short trip away and even try to see if you can join your friends abroad. Move on from this people or do not relay to them as support from now on.

Kingoftheroad · 20/12/2023 20:54

None of them are worthy of you . The friends are creeps. I could never maintain any sort of friendship with an abuser let alone someone who’s abused my friend.

Ditch the lot of them time for new traditions and a fresh start. I’m Scottish and no matter what anyone tells you New Year’s Eve has all but died out up here.

treat it as another day, spoil yourself and relish the peace.

5128gap · 20/12/2023 21:12

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP and it's horribly unfair. But, there's nothing for it now but to get through it. You're a survivor with so much behind you all ready. Look at this as the final hurdle. The last rubbish night before the rest (and maybe best!) of the years ahead of you. NYE will be a normal day for the most part, then it's just a few hours of missing out before bed, sleep and a whole new start to look forward to. Fill those hours however makes you feel best, Netflix, book, there'll be people on here to chat to. Itll be over before you know it and next year will be yours to do with as you choose.

WhatTheFuk · 21/12/2023 03:51

InstantDestiny · 20/12/2023 20:26

They know but they are trying to support us both. I think he has played the victim a little bit they are intelligent people and have worked in the DA field.

I know it’s just one night but the worst year for me to be spending it alone and I spend most nights alone anyway 🙈🙈🤣

They can't support you both or be neutral when domestic abuse is featured. By saying this they are letting you down.
I think you need to move on for the sake of your own sanity. You cannot be in a situation where you are triangulated with your abuser.

Bournetilly · 21/12/2023 04:15

I couldn’t be friends with them after theve known about the abuse and stayed friends with him.

Sorry you have to spend it alone but I’d just make it a relaxing night, have a takeaway and watch the countdown.

Peasnbeans · 21/12/2023 05:26

Could you go away for a night or two, have an adventure like your friends?
Take hold - don't be passive.
Hire a campervan for 24 hours and drive somewhere!

SD1978 · 21/12/2023 05:32

Have you spent the last 2 years there? I also couldn't remain friends with anyone who supported my abuser in the interest of being neutral

RantyAnty · 21/12/2023 05:40

That they remaines friends with him means they don't believe you were abused. Let that sink in.

Dins another friend to go out with.

PaminaMozart · 21/12/2023 07:08

I don't know where you are based, but in some places there are lots of Meet-up groups. There may be some that have an event for people who would otherwise be alone on NYE. I've always found Meet-up groups very friendly and welcoming.

flowerchild2000 · 21/12/2023 07:13

Personally I would love the chance to go out alone and no one at home to be responsible for. I like the meetup idea. Being safe is important too. I would dress up and let loose, I know I need it, I bet you do too.

bookish83 · 21/12/2023 07:17

SD1978 · 21/12/2023 05:32

Have you spent the last 2 years there? I also couldn't remain friends with anyone who supported my abuser in the interest of being neutral

This.

I'm sorry OP but they are not neutral.

Peasnbeans · 10/01/2024 01:15

What did you do in the end, OP? @InstantDestiny

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