Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Funeral dilemma

42 replies

Funeral101 · 20/12/2023 16:04

I think iabu and need my head a good wobble, my Nan died a few weeks ago. She had a lot of health conditions and it wasn’t a surprise. My Nan was not a nice person, she was abusive to the ones she did not like (myself included).

The funeral will be next month due to a backlog and prior commitments. I’ve been told I will not be able to ride in the funeral cars as there is no space for me. Despite my cousins and their partners, uncle, my parents, my siblings and my nieces and nephews riding in there. I’ve been told to get a taxi to the funeral if I wish to attend.

Aibu to feel a little bit hurt over this? It’s causing all the feelings of being a child and told I was not good enough.

Would you attend the funeral?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/12/2023 16:06

Nope, and I would happily distance myself from toxic people who don't add anything positive to your life. It's a new year very soon, make a fresh new start.

Beamur · 20/12/2023 16:08

Do you actually want to go?

AgnesX · 20/12/2023 16:09

Are you the only family member being asked to take a taxi?

If so and really, if you weren't close, and she was actively nasty then frankly I wouldn't bother.

Nomorelessonneededplease · 20/12/2023 16:09

Nope, wouldnt go. And I would be very happy they supplied me with a good reason to decline.

Jantlet · 20/12/2023 16:09

Aquamarine1029 · 20/12/2023 16:06

Nope, and I would happily distance myself from toxic people who don't add anything positive to your life. It's a new year very soon, make a fresh new start.

Well that saved me typing it out.

SaltyGod · 20/12/2023 16:10

That does seem unnecessarily hurtful.

If you weren’t that close to your Nan, and you aren’t going to feel better by going, I think I’d also not go in these circumstances.

Thementalloadisreal · 20/12/2023 16:10

Totally unacceptable for you to be left out if your siblings have a place in the cars. How can they justify this?

AngelicInnocent · 20/12/2023 16:10

If its just you being told to take a taxi, I wouldn't bother. I would make a new year resolution to go LC with the people who treat me this way though.

mammabing · 20/12/2023 16:11

Personally I would go but wouldn’t hang around after. Just purely for some kind of closure to that chapter in your life. I think it would be quite cathartic but then I’ve not experienced what you have

Nomorelessonneededplease · 20/12/2023 16:11

Sorry for the shitty way they went about it though, it sounds a bit like you're being excluded.
But I would be very happy not having to attend. Good luck.

LisaD1 · 20/12/2023 16:12

My grandad was like that, no interest in me or my siblings and when we did have to endure seeing him (because our nan was lovely) he was nasty. Nan died 20 years before him. I did not attend his funeral and have zero regrets.

stepintochristmas1 · 20/12/2023 16:13

I fail to see why cousins partners need to go the funeral cars , shouldn't they just make their own way there ? But I suppose every family is different 💐.

Spencer0220 · 20/12/2023 16:13

If your parents and siblings have a space and you don't I'd honestly not go.

And I'd question your relationship moving forward

Unless there's a bloody good reason you can't have a space. For example, you might need special transportation for disability reasons.

But that's about all I can think of

TeaMistress · 20/12/2023 16:14

So you are effectively the only family member being excluded and told you will have to get a taxi....Honestly I would not bother to attend if she was abusive and it sounds like other family members are abusive as well.

TheSnowyOwl · 20/12/2023 16:15

Yanbu. I wouldn’t go either.

toomuchfaff · 20/12/2023 16:16

Just because someone died, doesn't mean you have to go to the funeral. You attend a funeral to celebrate the life of that person, to say goodbye, to comfort the ones left behind, to share the stories of old, to see people celebrate the life of the deceased and see them in their eyes, to share your grief in a safe space where everyone is grieving the loss etc.

If you didn't like the woman; if she was nasty and abusive, then why would you go? Especially as it seems you're being ostracised from the family group.

If it was me I'd have other plans that day, from what picture your story paints I'd not be going to the funeral.

Original poster
Funeral101 · 20/12/2023 16:20

Yeah I’m not going, I think it would be better for my mental health and it would be embarrassing as well, when other not so close family members and friends saw me arriving in a taxi, it would be humiliating.

I’ve been told they can’t afford another funeral car. No-one in my family understands why I am upset and angry about this, even the ones who were abused by her (and ultimately riding in the funeral cars!)

OP posts:
henrysugar12 · 20/12/2023 16:24

toomuchfaff · 20/12/2023 16:16

Just because someone died, doesn't mean you have to go to the funeral. You attend a funeral to celebrate the life of that person, to say goodbye, to comfort the ones left behind, to share the stories of old, to see people celebrate the life of the deceased and see them in their eyes, to share your grief in a safe space where everyone is grieving the loss etc.

If you didn't like the woman; if she was nasty and abusive, then why would you go? Especially as it seems you're being ostracised from the family group.

If it was me I'd have other plans that day, from what picture your story paints I'd not be going to the funeral.

This is so true. I didn't go to my grandmothers funeral as I felt it would be hypocritical.

Spencer0220 · 20/12/2023 16:25

Are you the only family member not allowed in one of the cars?

Grimpo · 20/12/2023 16:27

toomuchfaff · 20/12/2023 16:16

Just because someone died, doesn't mean you have to go to the funeral. You attend a funeral to celebrate the life of that person, to say goodbye, to comfort the ones left behind, to share the stories of old, to see people celebrate the life of the deceased and see them in their eyes, to share your grief in a safe space where everyone is grieving the loss etc.

If you didn't like the woman; if she was nasty and abusive, then why would you go? Especially as it seems you're being ostracised from the family group.

If it was me I'd have other plans that day, from what picture your story paints I'd not be going to the funeral.

Have they explained why people like cousins' partners get to go in the funeral cars and you don't?

Inertia · 20/12/2023 16:27

Why don't your parents have your back over this?

It seems breathtakingly cruel that your parents and siblings would exclude you.

Sugarfree23 · 20/12/2023 16:30

Inertia · 20/12/2023 16:27

Why don't your parents have your back over this?

It seems breathtakingly cruel that your parents and siblings would exclude you.

This!

Op I'd be reevaluation relationships with them all.

Original poster
Funeral101 · 20/12/2023 16:34

@Spencer0220 yes I’m the only one.

@Inertia I have no idea, all I have been told is not to make a big deal about it. It would cost too much money for another funeral car. the worst thing is my nieces and nephews did not even know her.

When I talk to my parents I can’t even say how I feel as even though they were abused (I can’t say which family member as it’s too outing). They just say that she was their mum and they have lost their mum and how hard this is for my sibling who was one of the golden children.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 20/12/2023 16:37

In a way, would your nan wanted you to be there, had she made her wishes about her funeral known before her death? Though the same could be said about others in your family, and singling you out is unreasonable.

iljafjpr · 20/12/2023 16:40

I see you have decided not to go.
You don't have to go to any funeral you don't want to go to. It sounds like your nan was horrible to you so why go along to a funeral celebrating her life etc. There is no need for you to go.

Why are your parents excluding you from the funeral car? Because they are presumably the ones organizing this? Maybe you need to look at these relationships too?