To ask how to facilitate a relationship with toxic GP

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Through therapy I have realised my relationship with my parents is toxic and based on me seeking their approval. They're the kind of people who are never wrong about anything, always the victim and will refuse to see anyone else's point of view. I've spent years of my adult life trying to forge a relationship and everything goes well until suddenly there's a huge blow up over nothing. Usually a message gets sent by them starting with "I'm not falling out with you but you did xyz and you upset me". The xyz is always something so random too like I didn't reply to a message as quickly as they'd like (I have young DCs so not always possible), or why did you tell (insert name of family member) what you were doing for Christmas before us etc. I'm talking really mundane stupid things. And it's always done over text and if I try to defend my actions I get bombarded with more texts like they hope my children treat me like I treat them and one day I'll realise how horrible I am.

This is probably a 6 monthly cycle and I'm so tired of walking on egg shells so not to cause an argument.

I'm sleep deprived with youngest DC, feel so alone (see other post) and then I'm dealing with these messages. They've now started using my DCs as a bargaining chip and I hate it. I don't want them being dragged into this toxic cycle either and growing up trying to seek their GPs approval. However, they're still their GPs. So how do I facilitate a relationship with my DCs and them whilst keeping myself distant?

You don’t.

You are supposed to protect your children, not expose them to toxic, abusive people, whether they are family or not.

I have been NC with my mother for about 12 years now. It’s absolute bliss.

Why do you need to facilitate your parents seeing your children? Unless it’s completely at your children’s request and for their benefit, I wouldn’t bother.

The short answer is you don't. You know that your parents are toxic, why are you willing for your children to have to experience it as well?

You absolutely do not. Toxic people are toxic and blood relation doesn't mean they are guaranteed a relationship, if anything it is up to you to break the cycle and remove your children from that environment

I'm just so worried of them telling DCs in the future that I'm a terrible mum who wouldn't let them see their GPs. My thinking was I'd facilitate a relationship of sorts until they're old enough to decide themselves! Feel so torn!

Another vote for not continuing to allow toxic behaviour to impact your little family.

You reap what you sow and their behaviour is the reason they aren’t suitable for a long term stable relationship with their grandchildren.

do not leave it until your children are older and they start becoming the targets.

Well how will they do that if you are NC? Anyway, you would just tell DC the truth.

You are overthinking it all. Give yourself (and the DC) the best present ever and cut them off.

but that's not what you tell them, you tell them the truth that GP's weren't nice people and as their parent it was your job to protect them from that

That's what I tried (we might have the same parents based on my description) for years.

When my DC got to teens my parents ramped up the abuse to be much more overt. My DC then told me that they'd never liked my parents due to exactly the same behaviours that I'd had to put up with as a child. Fortunately they had sufficient good models in their life to understand the behaviour was bad (unlike me who assumed it was "normal" for years).

So basically I subjected my DC to abuse for years. Toxic parents become toxic grandparents. Please cut contact with them for your DC's sake.

@shepherdsangeldelight it's interesting you had the same experience. I wonder if that's generation of parents?

I think some of it is cultural/generational e.g. less child centred; more belief that parents deserve respect from their children regardless.

Most people's parents aren't deliberately cruel. I don't think that's a generational thing.

They'll tell your dc you're a terrible mum anyway, regardless of how much you facilitate a relationship. Mine did. Bitter and twisted until the end.
Protect your children and yourself from the beginning.

Not sure on.the voting but I've said YABU to expose your DC to that. Protect your DC. Why would you want them to experience the same negative things you went through.

They're blood/family is never a good enough reason to allow someone the opportunity to abuse your DC.

Protect your kids. Don't let them be dragged into such a cycle. If they ask when older be honest. If they want to try and have a rship then, let them. Narcissist people always trip up, so if they have grown up without being put into such a cycle they will realise it straight away. Plus, they will know what type of person you are and I doubt then would randomly think you did something to be awful.