To try carry on with just a platonic(ish) relationship

[Useruser1212]

I honestly don't know where to begin with this post. I am exhausted, upset and at my wits end. I need advice, kind advice if possible.

I had a baby 8 months ago and I'm pregnant again and due in 6 months. Since having a child and particularly since becoming pregnant again I feel like my husbands attitude towards me is so toxic. Anytime I express a minor grievance he has to escalate it to a ridiculous level and basically 'win' the 'argument'. I really don't like working through issues like this, I just want him to hear me out and us to move on with some sort of solution. This is an example of how ridiculous he is: yesterday he came home from shopping with the wrong type of cheese, no big deal, he said they didn't have it so I jokingly said 'ah, they only ever have that cheese for me' as literally a joke. He absolutely blew up at me "how dare you accuse me of getting the wrong cheese" screaming this at me and slamming the fridge. I told him he needed to calm down and stop overreacting at which point he said "you know what, I just find you so unattractive now and everything you say and do annoys me, its just hard not to blow up at you". I just ran upstairs and cried. I can't cope with the blow ups and put downs and the need to constantly 'win'. I don't know what he thinks he's winning, he's just destroying me and our relationship.

My question is what the hell do I do?? I'm about to have another baby with him. I have a young baby as is. I don't want to ruin there lives by tearing their family apart. I have nowhere to go, no job as we agreed I would become stay at home mother because nursery is too expensive. Do I carry on with him and just bite my tongue/walk on eggshells and try to be platonic and just mentally end the relationship in my head until I can get back to work and get my children some stability? My so exhausted I can't think straight. And before people say "go to women's aid", yes they are brilliant but they cannot provide accommodation for anyone in my country, there is no accommodation so that's also not an option sadly.

If you read all of my post thank you so much!

The joke wasn't very funny though and would come across as a dig to me. I wouldn't like it. Why not give him a kiss and thank him for trying rather than making an issue out of the "wrong" cheese?

His reaction also sounds OTT. Maybe both try to be a bit more loving towards each other.

Sounds awful. Sorry you're having to go through this.

I don't want to ruin there lives by tearing their family apart

You will ruin their lives by insisting on staying with him. I have been the child in this scenario, and was royally messed up well into my 40s until I had counselling, by having parents who demonstrated to me that 'home-life' included eggshells, shouting, aggression, and an ever-present potential divorce.

If he really feels this way

you know what, I just find you so unattractive now and everything you say and do annoys me, its just hard not to blow up at you

then why the hell he isn't instigating a break up is bewildering. But don't be thinking that putting up with this is, in any way, good for the kids. They will replicate everything they see, so, if you want this for them, keep doing it, and watch it play out in 20/30 years. If you want something different for them, work out what it would be, if they were in your shoes, and do that.

What would you like your kids to do, as adults, if they found themselves where you are?

Really? In the face of this:

I just find you so unattractive now and everything you say and do annoys me

You think OP needs to be more loving? Why? Is she meant to be winning him round?

Sorry but I kind of agree, I'd have been hurt if I went out shopping and my DP said this to me. I think you started this one tbh. His reaction might have been OTT, but you made him feel a bit pants I would guess?

@Watchkeys I totally agree with you. I grew up with an extremely abusive father so I know the damage it causes. What I meant by staying with him in a platonic co habitation was until the children are at least one and two so that I can go back to work and pay for accommodation for us. I don't mean stay with him until they are adults, I wouldn't put them through that.

You’d be hurt if someone made a joke about the cheese you bought, really?

Why some people’s egos so fragile they can’t joke with their partner about stuff like this?

For the people saying my joke wasn't very funny. It was to give a context of how easily he blows up. It was over a bag of cheese? And he went out to do the shopping while I cared for our very sick teething baby. There are many more situations that he blows up over absolutely nothing. For example, last week when I didn't have his coffee ready when he came downstairs as I was busy feeding our baby he called me "a useless cunt" and told me I need to get up earlier to have it ready for him. This was 7am after I'd been up all night with our baby. How do I "be more loving" in this situation?

Sounds like he thinks you're trapped now. Show him different. And not in a couple of years either.

I’d ask my partner to move out if he called me a useless cunt. No doubt, no questioning myself.

Good to hear that, @Useruser1212

Have you spoken to anybody about this? Women's Aid? You might be able to get better guidance on the practicalities, from a professional perspective, rather than layperson's advice here. Your children's first years are formative. It will almost certainly be better to get them (and you) away from this as soon as possible. There will probably be options you haven't even heard of, available to you; benefits, grants, loans, free stuff etc. Get a full picture from a professional, and make your decision from there. Have you done a benefit check?

Here's the anonymous benefit checker we recommend at the charity I work for, helping vulnerable people with their finances:

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

You can put different scenarios in, and find out which would make you better off.

Not a dig in any way, but an attempt to listen to you and your situation: How come you had a second child with him? Has he always been like this? Did you feel pressured? Might be too personal a question, sorry if so.

@Watchkeys thank you for this advice, I will reach out to womens aid and ask for their professional advice. Also the link you provided is really helpful!

To answer your questions; we've been together 7 years (married 3), he was lovely and caring before I got pregnant with our second child. I didn't feel pressured to have the second baby, we had always agreed we'd like a close age gap with our children and it worked out for us. I haven't talked to anyone in my real life about this but one of my very close friends told me one evening not long after I'd had my first DC that now that I've had my baby, my husband will be more at ease because he won't worry about someone else stealing me from him, she's always maintained that he was overly possessive of me and that he thought I was out of his league. But now he's telling me how unattractive I am and how he could get anyone but no one would want to be with someone with two kids etc. It makes me think that she was right all along??

OP, I know it isn’t as simple as asking your partner to move out and I apologise for that crass remark. I should have said that would be a red line for me. I do hope you can get some support to get you out of the situation you are in, however that works out.

No, I just mean it sounds to me like a bickery kind of relationship.

@cezannesapple thank you! I wish I could just tell him to move out, that would solve a lot of problems.

He's abusive so your self-esteem erodes, and eventually you believe his shit. Please talk to WA and your friends. He's letting the mask slip.

Wow Im sorry theres clearly a lot going on here.

Youre pregnant and looking after your baby, youre entitled to be exhausted, presumably he's burned out, depressed, overwhelmed, stressed, worried about the future...whatever to be blowing up like this? Time to have a good, long talk about what's really up, what his fears are, are you out of love with each other or just overworked and take it from there. Hopefully it'll be progressive. Good luck. Plus this time of year is not all happiness and joy, money worries can absolutely escalate for example and put extra stress on everyone. Could there be other underlying causes like worrying about the cost of living with another baby on the way, worries at work etc?

@Ablondiebutagoody

I just find you so unattractive now and everything you say and do annoys me

Bickery, and OP should be more loving? It's an ad hominem attack. Insulting, rude, and set on a background of screaming, slamming things around, and blaming OP for his behaviour. This is clearly not bickering, but abuse.

"I'm about to have another baby with him. I have a young baby as is. I don't want to ruin there lives by tearing their family apart."

You're going to ruin their lives if you stay in that relationship. They will grow up in a toxic destructive atmosphere, witnessing their parents display hate and resentment towards each other, and that will form their role model for how they behave towards others.
For your kids sake, and for your sake, you need to separate. You deserve a much better life than this.
Do you have a wider family who can help you? Siblings? Parents?

wow just wow...

if my partner told me everything I say and do annoys him; I'd be wondering why we were together. Blowing up at you about cheese, expecting his coffee made, all these things would be making me wonder if I'd made the right choices in my life and if i should revisit those decisions. He sounds like a delightful bundle of joy that I'd be happy to be around... no seriously he sounds bullish and quite frankly a dick and I'd rather be on my own than with a man I'd be on pins around. You've a new born, and you're pregnant, this man should be protecting you and working to make your homelife together less stressful, not more stressful.

Do you think this'll get better?

Agree with others the cheese thing did sound a bit diggy and suggested a bit of a bickery marriage. "Useless cunt" for no coffee is utterly insane and totally unacceptable.

The weird thing is he's gone from happy for 7 years to pretty odd behaviour. Could it be something medical - under active -thyroid? Or is he suffering from extreme lack of sleep? (If so it's about to get worse with number 2.)

I reckon a guy who has been fine for seven years is worth a bit of investment from you, but with the coffee thing it's not looking good. 😢

The cheese thing didn't sound "diggy". It was just a silly joke that would be obvious to anyone.

And even if it was "diggy", it doesn't justify the abuse and insults dished out as a result.

My God, I can't believe some people on this thread are actually mitigating for this man. What the actual fuck have I just read?

You need to speak to your midwife OP PDQ and tell her that you are a victim of domestic abuse and you cannot continue in the relationship. This man hates you OP. He's telling you what he thinks of you. Listen to him and get help to get out before he hurts you and the DCs.