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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Watching the monitor' isn't looking after the baby

22 replies

LittleMonstera · 20/12/2023 14:10

My partner just casually dropped into conversation a 3rd Christmas do he's going to tonight (I've been out once in December and was home at 8pm) and I semi jokingly said sure but you owe me an extra night off sometime then and he replied "what for 'watching the monitor', no way" as baby is usually asleep from 7pm with 1 or 2 night wakes until 6am.

So, does solo parenting while the baby is asleep count or not towards equitable childcare??

YABU - it doesn't count, you're just at home relaxing
YANBU - it counts as you still have to stay alert/sober and deal with any wakes

OP posts:
Chocpot1986 · 20/12/2023 14:12

YANBU!

Cheeky fucker!

Thesearmsofmine · 20/12/2023 14:12

YANBU you are the one responsible for them even if they are asleep!

HiCandles · 20/12/2023 14:20

It definitely counts. Of course it does, because if you fancied it you couldn't just pop out to the shop or to a friend's or whatever, you are limited to staying in the house.
Agree with you OP, you can now happily book in an another evening out. If it's so easy watching the monitor, he won't mind doing it, will he.

Rickenbackergoodgrief · 20/12/2023 14:26

I don't understand what you mean by he owes you another night out.
Surely you just go out when it's convenient for you, as in ' I'm going to the cinema with Jane on Saturday night '.
Unless he's already told you that he will be out himself on Saturday night, in which case you make alternative plans with Jane.

Luxell934 · 20/12/2023 14:31

Rickenbackergoodgrief · 20/12/2023 14:26

I don't understand what you mean by he owes you another night out.
Surely you just go out when it's convenient for you, as in ' I'm going to the cinema with Jane on Saturday night '.
Unless he's already told you that he will be out himself on Saturday night, in which case you make alternative plans with Jane.

Yeah this. If you want to go out, just make plans and go out and tell him it’s his turn to “watch the monitor” tonight.

Penguinmouse · 20/12/2023 14:34

Of course it counts! Not every bedtime is smooth, what if there’s an issues - it’s not like you can go out once they are asleep.

Shinyandnew1 · 20/12/2023 14:50

He’s having 3 Xmas nights out and says that when you ask for one? Is he saying you can’t go out?

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 20/12/2023 14:56

YANBU, but a bit petty to keep tabs and "owe" each other. If you don't fancy a night out does he have to stay at home until you do and have had your "turn"? Or does the tab keep running?

Curtainpoles · 20/12/2023 15:00

If staying in "watching the monitor" is so easy and doesn't count as actual parenting work then he won't mind doing it more often, will he 😁

DonnaBanana · 20/12/2023 15:05

Curtainpoles · 20/12/2023 15:00

If staying in "watching the monitor" is so easy and doesn't count as actual parenting work then he won't mind doing it more often, will he 😁

This. He's just effectively said it's easy peasy and nothing to write home about, so he'll be happy to do it for you.

2jacqi · 20/12/2023 15:18

@LittleMonstera how can he have three christmas night outs?? is he just going to the pub?? does he have three jobs??

RedPony1 · 20/12/2023 15:36

2jacqi · 20/12/2023 15:18

@LittleMonstera how can he have three christmas night outs?? is he just going to the pub?? does he have three jobs??

Can you only have Christmas nights out with work then?

I've had 4 already and i didn't go to my work one! I have lots of different friend groups

Looneytune253 · 20/12/2023 15:45

Eh well surely when you go out he'll only be doing the same thing so what's the problem. Honestly some men just don't want to look after their own children and give the mum a break

Original poster
LittleMonstera · 20/12/2023 15:48

We don't keep a tally that's why I said my comment was joking (ish) and he works with multiple different teams in his role hence the different work nights out. It was the flippancy of his comment suggesting you're not looking after a baby if they're asleep rather than him actually going out that bothered me.

OP posts:
EmptyYoghurtPot · 29/12/2023 09:42

If you were semi joking about him ‘owing’ you a night out, was he semi joking about watching the monitor?

dottiedodah · 29/12/2023 09:47

Its not really "just watching the monitor" though is it.You cant switch off completely ,in case Babe wakes up!

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2023 09:49

Well you're still legally obliged to be there, so it counts.
Yes, you can watch the monitor whilst I go drinking until 3 am! Given it's so easy, you won't mind doing a few of them. I'm out the week after too

AuntMarch · 29/12/2023 15:21

If it doesn't count, he'll be happy to do it while you go out won't he

UsingChangeofName · 29/12/2023 15:29

Rickenbackergoodgrief · 20/12/2023 14:26

I don't understand what you mean by he owes you another night out.
Surely you just go out when it's convenient for you, as in ' I'm going to the cinema with Jane on Saturday night '.
Unless he's already told you that he will be out himself on Saturday night, in which case you make alternative plans with Jane.

This

I haven't voted as neither option is exact.
If I were staying in anyway, and had a baby that settled at 7pm, then he's not wrong is he?
If OTOH, both of you want to go somewhere, then you need to work out how you prioritise who is doing what.

MyCakeyBakeyHeart · 29/12/2023 16:15

I would say it counts for a night of him doing the same so you can go out, but doesn’t equate to him owing cover for that amount of time at peak attention requiring time in the day.

In any case you should cover for each other on a basis of need rather than time owed. For example if his favourite thing in life was sitting in a comfy chair reading a book whilst drinking tea and having to make no chat (e.g an activity barely affected by the baby monitor duty), and yours was meeting friends for dinner it would be a bit much to say that you’ve been out two nights this week and now must do the weekend daytime child care (as you’ve both actually had evenings you enjoy).

Original poster
LittleMonstera · 29/12/2023 18:48

But my question was never about whether it was reasonable to stay in, or how many nights out each other get. It was simply whether it was reasonable to suggest looking after a sleeping baby isn't really looking after a baby. I already explained this in the thread, essentially to me it's about feeling taken for granted. The post was for context otherwise people would have asked for context and I'd be accused of drip feeding.

OP posts:
MyCakeyBakeyHeart · 29/12/2023 18:53

It’s still looking after a baby and requires agreement with the monitor watcher that they are happy to do it, and to do it alone.

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