Can’t stand my toddler touching me.

[AllThingsKids]

Not really an AIBU question but assuming more traffic on here.

I have an almost two year old who can be all over you. Climbing, randomly touching you when sitting on the sofa, pushing legs into you. And I can’t bear it. It is somewhat more bearable if I’m fully clothed but if I have t-shirt or shorts/skirt and direct skin contact I really can’t stand it. Anyone else experiences the same?

Aaaaaaargh the bedtime fussies are a killer. Exactly at the moment you are soo ready for knockoff and its just little hands and feet all over.

There's nothing wrong with putting some conditions on touch. Positivity is good: "I like it when we hug tight" instead of "stop jumping all over the beddddd!", or making a game of it - "lets see how long we can stay like this (in a nice hug) without moving!" - but fundamentally, in the same way we teach them to use a knife and fork instead of picking up baked beans with their hands, it's ok to teach them ways of physical contact that are pleasant for all parties and respectful. It's essential to teach them about physical autonomy and boundaries, and the best way they learn their own is to witness an unapologetic defence of yours. As long as you aren't refusing any contact, and as long as you aren't emotionally cold, it is fine to accept contact only if it's of a kind you both enjoy.

I have had to get VERY strict with my DD6 about the jumping on me/letting me go when I say thing, because we had a couple of occasions where I really did lose my temper, and on one occasion I actually accidentally hurt her getting her off me (she had my leg and wouldn't let go, I asked multiple times getting increasingly frantic and eventually manhandled her off, and she got scratched on the buckle of my slipper). So now the second she goes to jump on my back I firmly and immediately remind her that is a hard NO for me, and redirect her to a wanted touch (hug, piggy-back when I'm standing up, whatever it might be). She may not always like this, but it is for her own good as well as mine because I know my limits and I can't guarantee I'll be able to keep cool if I let her breach this boundary. By redirecting, I may not be giving her what she wants but I'm protecting both of us from an unpleasant confrontation.

Sorry OP I didn't mean you, i was just thinking about my own childhood (irrelevant sorry)

I have a 2 year old who also insanely hugs/pulls my hair/touches my face especially for sleeping - I try to get an inch away no, arms must be around me. Drives me mad and I cannot reason at all at bedtime or there is a massive meltdown 😓

I had to leave the room yesterday because DS9 came and sat down right against me on the sofa and then unconsciously wriggled like crazy. He wants to be touching me but he can't sit still so by the third time he knocked my elbow as I was reading something on my laptop I had had it. I told him to stop every time but he doesn't even realise he's doing it. I went upstairs to moan to DH and then DS followed me up 5 mins later looking reproachful and wanting to know why I left. Aaaargh!

By this age I just tell him fairly straight that he's elbowed me again, or I don't like my face being prodded, or that he's just stepped on my leg or whatever. Usually with an accompanying loud yelp because it is so annoying and it happens so often.

I remember being like this when my son was under two and I was still breastfeeding, I couldn't bear to be touched or fussed by anyone by the end of each day, as others have said it's being 'overtouched'.

Mine will stand up facing away from me (amongst all the other things) and start reversing pushing into me trying to sit down. It’s kind of funny as she pushes so hard as if she wanted to sit inside my body

I'm the same. I don't like to be touched at all for two reasons. I have fibromyalgia so the lightest touch feels like someone set me on fire and I'm autistic and one of the things I struggle with is finding touch overwhelming and intrusive .

It's really hard because you know you can't let it show and you have to make such a effort.

One thing I used to do when mine were little and using me as a climbing frame was have a range of ways to remove myself. So go to the loo or go have a bath. Stand up and go make coffee or use the hoover or put some clothes away etc etc. I'd also make sure other people did fun stuff with them and left me at home.

Anything that was a normal and reasonable thing for a parent to do and could not be seen as a rejection. It gave me much needed recovery time. Can you try that?

If she's using messing around as a bedtime delaying tactic then maybe change the way you settle her or have someone else do bedtime a couple of days a week

OMG you brought a tear to my eye! It brought back my toddlers climbing on me, sitting on me, holding my hand etc... oh I'd give so much to have that contact again. Sadly unlikely to have grandchildren so never likely to experience it again.

@Ash099 I didn’t take the two posts personally but used it as an opportunity to clarify that I still hug and am affectionate with my DC (a lot). I wouldn’t want her to feel rejected. But definitely will need to set some boundaries as she is getting older and can understand more.

Makes me feel better to hear I’m not the only one, though, reading some of the other posts.

My mum is the most affectionate and maternal person ever - she was always hugging us, kissing us, cuddling us on her lap etc. But she didn't like being grabbed at/climbed on/leaned on etc, and it also drove her mad (and still does) if a child is sitting next to her and constantly squirming and flapping about and fidgeting in that way that means you keep getting a foot jabbed into your hip or a random hand flung into your face.

So honestly, I don't think you're alone in this, OP.

@busymum108 "I was very clear it is not about them. Hence 'I don't like it when people'."

If you say "I don't like it when people...." they're not stupid. They know you're saying, "I don't like it when YOU..."

And to a child (or even an adult) looking for attachment, it can feel like rejection.

Personally I'd say, "I love cuddling you so I'd rather have a hug than you jump all over me. Could we hug instead?" Then hug until they're the one that pulls away first, stand up and do a job nearby to get your physical space, if that's what you need, without making them feel abandoned.

Ah I feel terrible for this.
I’m constantly being touch, hit, headbutted, hands everywhere, trying to move me when I’m trying to cook, jumped on me, trying to move my hands and face around, he will not take no for an answer and bang his head all over me, it’s like 80% of the day! Ramming toys in my face and on my body.. he just broke my nose the other week also from head butting me.
then on top of that the crunching of food everywhere pouring of his milk everywhere, waking me then straight on top of me the nights taking up all my bed kicking me.
I have lived alone for 10 years before having my kid I’m an introvert, I’m solo with little help.. it’s helped him going to nursery but even they have said to me about him hitting and saying he’s very affectionate I’m hoping when he can talk it’ll get a bit better and I can explain boundaries but I feel like I’m so overwhelmed and the breaking of my nose just made me so much more anxious any time he’s around my face now.
I think it wouldn’t be to bad if I had another parent to help or 1/2 a month off regularly.
I can’t even take my rubbish out properly because I’m in a flat, I wasn’t prepared to have to plan when I can take my rubbish out seems like such a simple loss of independence that I miss so much just being able to take it out when it needs to go in the bin.
he throws toys, bottles etc in my face or rams them on me and my face.. my body feels like it aches from the constant alert of what’s coming next.
I love cuddling and do when he asks and rub his feet, back etc.. he sits on me, I give him kisses etc.. I’m an affectionate person but all the rough stuff I really get stressed about he’s a big 2 year old as well I’m not very big myself, it used to be better when he’d nap but he doesn’t now unless he’s a nursery which has helped so much him going 15 hours a week.
I just want to sit alone in quiet for an hour or two a day but I can’t and feel so guilty about thinking that.

Sounds like you need a break.

Also, do they live in a volatile environment? Sometimes kids who are around lots of shouting etc need physical reassurance that they are safe.

I get like this at the end of a stressful day.
More so now im heavily pregnant

No I left his dad when he born due to abuse, he doesn’t see him.
just me and him, stick to the same routine etc he’s so friendly he’ll go sit on and cuddle random mums loves other kids and flowing them at the park.
he’s a very happy and on the go kid, I think he has maybe had too much attention from family members cuddling and kissing him and Iv probably not helped being so affectionate.
his behaviour I don’t really think is the problem it’s not aggressive or anything, he’s very confident and social.
it’s just sometimes I’m burnt out and just need to reenergise/sleep but can’t.