To ask for your experience with being stalked and what I should watch for?

[FuckOffTom]

Ex DH was abusive. We have been separated now for a few years and we have a 5 year old daughter together. He lives not far from me. We share custody of your daughter 50/50

He can’t seem to move on and is still trying to ingratiate himself with my friends/family, trying to discredit me, is constantly picking fights with me etc.

However, my main concern is how often he seems to ‘know’ things about my life. Details he can’t possibly know unless either my phone has been hacked, or (and I know this sounds far-fetched) my house has been bugged. I’ve changed all phone passwords and even my wifi password and I don’t allow him in the house anymore (he previously used to find excuses to go upstairs or outside to smoke on his own)
But I still can’t shake the feeling that he is somehow watching me. What can I do to make sure he isn’t?? How can I be sure he can’t access my phone or that he isn’t hanging around outside my property or he hasn’t left listening devices anywhere etc??
I hope I am just being hysterical but honestly, the details he knows sometimes make me think otherwise… along with the manipulation tactics to try and get access to my property!

Have you ever had this happen and caught out the person that did it? And how?

I don't have personal experience to offer advice and it sounds very stressful,
but there is an app called
Fing. It's free to use and it can tell you all the devices that are connected to your wifi so you could give that a look to check.

If you search 'bug sweeper detector' there are devices which help you find listening devices.

I would also get a new phone - or at least a new sim - and only give the number to a trusted few who have to have it.

If you need to remain in contact for the sake of children, I'd consider getting a 2nd phone and using only one for contact with him. Turn it off when not needed and keep it in a drawer away from usual traffic in the home.

There are also probably IT & phone experts who can tell you if your phone has been hacked, but there are occasionally articles published online telling you signs that your might have been so it's worth googling.

Do you have friends, family or acquaintances in common?

I'd get a new SIM (explain to your phone provider) and factory reset your phone and laptop etc. check your email has 2 factor authentication turned on so you get a message with a code if someone tries to log on. Make sure there aren't any spare access keys set for your email account (those can bypass the 2 factor).

Might there be someone who is passing him information? Mutual friend on Facebook or something?

Could he have made up a game with your daughter where she hides something for him, or he's put something inside a cuddly toy?!

You could make a big list of made up facts and communicate them to different people in different ways, see which ones he seems to find out and use that to eliminate? Would be quite epic to track though...
Eg told bob in a phone call in the lounge that I'm thinking about a holiday to France at half term
Told Chloe on WhatsApp that I need to change energy suppliers
Etc?

www.paladinservice.co.uk/

Paladin should be able to advise. Good luck it sounds very stressful

How do you know your daughter isn't the "bug" ?

To keep things secret you generally have to tell absolutely no one.

It's possible that if he is trying to get in with your family and friends one of them is sympathetic to him and is passing on information.

What are the examples of stuff he "couldn't possibly know" ?

Because the stuff he knew was about a guy I was seeing who my daughter has never met.

You could be right about someone passing information on to him though.

I never post anything on social media

Thanks everyone for your suggestions
I have just ordered a Ring doorbell as well.
I like the idea of getting a new phone number and phone and keeping my existing number to communicate with him

So is this guy local or remote ?

If he's local then you may have been out and been seen with him by someone.

Or he knows someone who knows him and found out that way.

Maybe he saw his car outside your house passing by and found out that way.

But once you have another person in the loop the chances of keeping stuff secret becomes almost impossible if a third person is determined to find out.

Especially if they are not as invested in secrecy as you are. Some people have tiny social footprints and hardly know anyone. Others have huge ones, especially if meeting lots of people is part of their job.

My ex is very local. The guy I was seeing wasn’t. He knew exactly what he looked like, describing him to a t and knew what car he drove etc as well as his name. I didn’t tell him any of it. At the time, we had no mutual friends. We did have one mutual friend but he and my ex fell out (because the friend wouldn’t give him info about me)

Ok so how would he know what he looks like, his name and his car? Have you given that info to someone for him to have listened in as that sounds like what you were worried about?
To me it sounds more like he either saw you out with him or has been following you to get the visual info and asked someone you know for his name?

If you have a car, there may be a device in it.

I was worried about this, he asked me for a lift once and he could have put an AirTag in or something?

Hi OP, I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this. Have you looked at this guidance from the Suzy Lamplugh trust at all? Hopefully it might be helpful - https://www.suzylamplugh.org/stalking-help-and-advice

could you come up with lots of different glass pieces of information to 'share' and see what comes back to you? You could tell your daughter X and if it comes back to you then she is the leak. If you mention Y in a what's app message then the what's apps have been hacked etc. this would let you narrow down where the info is coming from

*false pieces not glass!

Do you have an i-phone? If there was an air tag around I think it automatically pops up on your i-phone to let you know. I've seen Tik Toks about people saying they've gotten a notification that there's one near. If you don't have an i-phone maybe get one of your friends or family to go along for a drive in your car with you as then it might pop up on their phone? Not sure how else you'd find out if there is one on your phone.

This is how you help yourself.

You ring the police. Stalking is VERY serious. It is premeditated and denotes a personality who won't let go.

Add to that a young child, a split relationship and you dating.

Get help. Get a restraining order. How do you know he isn't sitting outside your house every night?? He needs to be made to back off and you and your child need to be safe.

Seen too many scenarios like this. X (dv advisor for years)

I would call the non emergency police line for advice as a first step as you suspect he has committed a criminal offence

I'm in the same situation. My ex actually seems obsessed with me and won't move on (is dragging his feet about the divorce) and is quite a controlling sort of person. So every sympathy as it's a horrible situation.

I posted a thread myself as I was certain he seemed to know too much. Some people thought that a factory reset wouldn't be enough, but a new phone needed.

How can I ring the police if I don’t have proof?
Right now, as I type this on my phone - I’m noticing that it’s running slower than usual and it’s a fairly new phone. I’ve read that’s a warning signal that it’s been hacked

I probably did give that info to someone although I don’t recall it if I did and as I say, nobody at the time was friends with both of us.
I think I was worried about hidden cameras or something. I asked him how he knew what he looked like and he said he has seen us together in his car?? But he would have to be looking at every car that drove passed him to see if I was in it and then would have to get a long look at him to describe what he saw!

I considered doing this and it is a good idea

Sorry you are going through this. My ex installed spyware on my computer which meant he could remotely see everything I looked at- every website page I clicked on. I only found out because he confessed out of guilt so I'm not sure how to check if it's been installed. Thought I'd mention in case it was a possibility in your case.

You dont need proof to make an allegation and seek support.

Do that.

If you think he has hacked your phone stop writing about it from your phone!

https://www.zdnet.com/article/how-todays-technologies-become-weapons-in-modern-domestic-abuse/

lots of good info on here lovely x