Can’t bring myself to accept job offer AIBU

purplerainhey · 2023-12-20T08:38:50+00:00

Posting for traffic. offered more money and a step up, the hours I want so fits with my current childcare arrangements. Current job won’t be able to match pay, I know that. There is an opportunity coming up at work next year to progress but not nearly as much money, and not guaranteed I’ll get actually get it but I want that too. My current job is comfy. if I’m hesitating to accept is this a bad sign? Now I’m faced with making the decision I all of a sudden don’t want to leave. Feels bad doing it just before Christmas.

Catza · 20/12/2023 08:51

Nobody likes a change. So unless you are a clairvoyant, I wouldn't take it as a bad sign.
I had hard time letting go of my previous job. I had a really good team and venturing into unknown was scary. Don't regret it now though and I've been in my post for 18 months already.

Grimmz · 20/12/2023 08:59

It's natural - changing jobs can be scary especially when it involves leaving something comfortable to take on something more challenging or unfamiliar.

But you can do it! And you might never forgive yourself if you turn it down.

Kyogo67 · 20/12/2023 09:05

You went for this new job for a reason. Remember that.
Change is always a bit scary but it is honestly the only way to learn and develop. You need to get out of the comfy mode and enjoy this new opportunity.
I think you will regret it if you dont make the move.

Squirrelsonthescaffolding · 20/12/2023 09:13

Do you know why you’re hesitant? I generally go by if it feels scary but exciting, go for it, but if it feels scary and a bit depressing don’t. From what you’ve said it is perhaps a trade-off between challenge/more money vs. comfortable job that is working. So I suppose it depends how much more money would matter at this point and how much it’s important to have a job that I assume isn’t stressful (your current job). It depends if you regularly feel overwhelmed as it is by juggling everything or if you have the support/mental space for a challenge and now is a good time for that. Is the new job likely to extend beyond official hours or is it the sort of job where it’s normal for people to work their official hours? You mention childcare, so it might also depend on if there are any changes looming that might make it easier or harder to arrange childcare, (starting school, starting secondary) commute time if that’s relevant. Or maybe you’re just anticipating missing your current colleagues?

Original poster

purplerainhey · 20/12/2023 09:21

Squirrelsonthescaffolding · 20/12/2023 09:13

Do you know why you’re hesitant? I generally go by if it feels scary but exciting, go for it, but if it feels scary and a bit depressing don’t. From what you’ve said it is perhaps a trade-off between challenge/more money vs. comfortable job that is working. So I suppose it depends how much more money would matter at this point and how much it’s important to have a job that I assume isn’t stressful (your current job). It depends if you regularly feel overwhelmed as it is by juggling everything or if you have the support/mental space for a challenge and now is a good time for that. Is the new job likely to extend beyond official hours or is it the sort of job where it’s normal for people to work their official hours? You mention childcare, so it might also depend on if there are any changes looming that might make it easier or harder to arrange childcare, (starting school, starting secondary) commute time if that’s relevant. Or maybe you’re just anticipating missing your current colleagues?

I’m hesitant for a few things

I keep getting unwell as my DC is at nursery and catching all his bugs and not sure I have it in me to be at my constant best that you need starting in a new role, I know at my current job my employer is understanding if I need to work from home
there is an on call element which I don’t do now so not sure I’ll enjoy that part
my child is under two so I’m tired all the time
everyone keeps telling me I’d be mad to turn the money down but not sure if that’s always the best reason.
I normally feel excited when I get offered a job but I’m just terrified instead

im so unsure. I know the people aren’t a reason to stay as they could leave too

OP posts:

Mischance · 20/12/2023 09:24

Advice from a grandma ........ when I was balancing a job and child care I chose the most comfortable option jobwise. It is difficult enough trying to wear two hats anyway. Time later for climbing the greasy pole - just be kind to yourself at this stage.

givemecoffeee · 20/12/2023 09:27

Mischance · 20/12/2023 09:24

Advice from a grandma ........ when I was balancing a job and child care I chose the most comfortable option jobwise. It is difficult enough trying to wear two hats anyway. Time later for climbing the greasy pole - just be kind to yourself at this stage.

I second this 👏

Squirrelsonthescaffolding · 20/12/2023 10:00

From your update I can understand why this is a difficult decision. Do you have any way of finding out how accommodating the new employer might be about wfh if your child is sick? Also, if you might be considering another child fairly soon, are there any maternity leave/pay issues if one employer offers enhanced maternity pay/leave etc. sometimes a decision is just hard because both are good but different options though, good luck with it all!

Original poster

purplerainhey · 20/12/2023 10:03

Squirrelsonthescaffolding · 20/12/2023 10:00

From your update I can understand why this is a difficult decision. Do you have any way of finding out how accommodating the new employer might be about wfh if your child is sick? Also, if you might be considering another child fairly soon, are there any maternity leave/pay issues if one employer offers enhanced maternity pay/leave etc. sometimes a decision is just hard because both are good but different options though, good luck with it all!

they seem quite good with working from home, it’s two days in office and the rest from home.
not having another child.

i can’t seem to say yes it’s making me feel quite ill. But friends and family will think im mad to turn this opportunity down. I wish I knew what to do

OP posts:

Bookkeepermum · 22/12/2023 14:08

When I have a gut feeling about something, I normally go with it. I always listen to my gut instincts and I've never regretted it. If something is stopping you going for this, I would listen and be confident in your decision.

Fishwiife · 22/12/2023 14:13

Have an honest conversation with them. I was in a similar situation and explained to the new job that I was concerned about health, childcare and hours, my new employer assured me that they understood, 5 years later and subsequent promotions it was the best decision I ever made and I’m so glad I told them my concerns

thatsnotmywean · 22/12/2023 14:22

If they offer flexible / hybrid working, then you should be fine for illnesses. Your DC wont be that young forever, it'll get easier. You'd be mad to turn it down. You'll become more confident. It took me about a year to settle in my now job after 18 years in the same place, but I love where I am now.

Clarinet1 · 22/12/2023 14:24

Fishwiife · 22/12/2023 14:13

Have an honest conversation with them. I was in a similar situation and explained to the new job that I was concerned about health, childcare and hours, my new employer assured me that they understood, 5 years later and subsequent promotions it was the best decision I ever made and I’m so glad I told them my concerns

I think this might be the way to go - If they throw up their hands in horror, you’ll have your decision!
Also, talking about just before Christmas, don’t you have to work notice?

Wickedgreengirl · 22/12/2023 14:28

I recently went for a job which had a bigger team, development opportunities and more money but after I was offered a second interview I realised my heart wasn’t in it. I declined the interview and decided to stay where I am as I’ve got some exciting projects coming up. My boss knew I was unhappy about some culture changes at work and during a catch-up I was honest about looking elsewhere but ultimately deciding to stay. My boss took this in board and negotiated me a 14% pay rise which I didn’t expect nor ask for. His actions and general support have confirmed that trusting my heart and staying was the right thing to do. Go with your gut, there will be other jobs out there if you decide to stay.

EmmyA87 · 22/12/2023 14:32

I was in the same situation, didn’t want to leave my job. Lovely people and it was ideal for my kids. A house move meant I had no choice. I’ve since found another job that was offered to me through another position and I’m much better off. It’s the unknown that’s scary but if you know logically it makes more sense I’d go for it!

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/12/2023 14:34

i can’t seem to say yes it’s making me feel quite ill. But friends and family will think im mad to turn this opportunity down. I wish I knew what to do

I think you know what’s right for you, if it’s making you feel ill perhaps it’s not the right thing or the right time for you. Your family and friends don’t need to balance everything so make the decision for yourself. When you think about turning the offer down, how do you feel?

There will be other opportunities come along, possibly better than this one.

wishingiwas20something · 22/12/2023 15:04

What was your reason for applying? There must have been a good one?

Mememe9898 · 22/12/2023 15:06

Trust your gut! I recently pulled out of a job because of some of the things you mentioned re: kids getting sick/ flexibility.
The other job was paying more money but not as flexible and involved travelling. I’d go for the easiest option for now unless you have money challenges that you need to address with a bigger salary. You can always move to a bigger job when kids are older.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 22/12/2023 15:13

Change is always hard.

I've got an interview in January for a role which would be a step up, but is with a different company and not any more money than I get in mu lower level role in my current company..but I really want a promotion.

Current company may have a promotion available next year, but no guarantee I will get it and meanwhile I will face redundancy.

All very scarey and I'm not sure I'm cut out for the stress of all these inevitable changes!

GandalfTheWhite · 22/12/2023 15:13

Have not read all replies yet but im in the exact same situation OP, new job is better money, better hours and more annual leave - yet I feel gutted about leaving my current job which has awful hours and min wage, but I enjoy it.

Loloj · 22/12/2023 20:23

I voted YANBU, however I think it depends on whether you are reluctant because there is something about the new job that your “gut” is telling you is wrong. If it’s just nerves and worry about change then go for the new job but if there is something more to it then maybe you need to think further or do a bit more digging.

I had a similar situation a few years ago where I was offered a new job and it seemed like a no-brainer to take it as I was desperate to get out of my job at the time. However, my gut told me something wasn’t right. I turned the job offer down politely but kept in touch. As it turns out I now work for the company but took a different job a couple of years later which I knew was the right move for me and didn’t give me an uneasy feeling.

Trust your gut - it’s usually right.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 23/12/2023 16:15

Congratulations on the job offer!
Change is scary especially when you're in a job that you like and would be happy staying in. Presumably you've done a pros & cons list and there are pros to both new and old jobs.
Toss a coin, heads would be the new job. If you don't like the result then that will tell you a lot.

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 24/12/2023 09:51

Hesitation might be a gut feeling or its just that you are scared