Silences in conversation

[Chickenfeed67]

I’m finding the older I get (and this may be due to peri-menopausal anxiety), I’m finding silences in conversation, especially in groups, really unbearable. I somehow feel duty bound to fill gaps with any kind of nonsense, and then have the further worry that people find me weird.

I suppose I imagine that the people I’m with generally have sparkling repartee with their other friends and that silences mean the evening is a social failure and people are just glad to get home and won’t want to bother again.

Am I going nuts? Are silences normal and I’ve lost all perspective?

AIBU - silences are normal and stop being paranoid
AINBU - silences don’t happen with my friends, our evenings are filled with joy and laughter

I can't bear a silence either and always worry I talk to much but then I also remember my ex saying he liked taking me out with him as there was never an awkward silence with me and my verbal diarrhoea around!

I'd say they're normal but often uncomfortable anyway! Depends who you're with, too, as in how relaxed you are in each other's company. It happens sometimes with my knitting group - we've known each other a couple of years, some much longer - there'll be moments when the talk lapses if everyone's concentrating, and usually someone will make a "You've all gone very quiet" sort of crack that'll start it up again.

Yes, I love spending time with people who talk a lot because then I feel the pressure is off!

I was told in therapy once, it's not your responsibility to fill a silence.

@BallerinaFall I feel like I know that in theory…but in practise I want to chew my own arm off I’m so uncomfortable!

@Chickenfeed67

I think 🤔 it's an obvious lack of cofindence insecurities type of thing if you worry about so much about things such as this, it's natural there will be sometimes be gaps in conversations,

It can be emotionally draining having someone talk non stop in an intense manner and it's a bit of struggle to get any words in yourself

I learned recently that natural silences are really helpful for introverts as they give thinking time, the alternative being what feels like a barrage of conversation being fired at them. It would perhaps be more considerate to allow the silences to ebb and flow naturally.

If I find one particularly uncomfortable I look around and after a few seconds make a general observation to get the conversation going again. “What a lovely restaurant”, something like that.

I have a colleague who leaves big pauses before talking. Then in other ways she talks over people. It really makes the conversation flow weirdly. Either awkward silence or being interrupted 😵‍💫

@cerisepanther73 You’re right, it probably is a lack of confidence. I don’t try and fill it with my own drivel though - I often ask people questions to try and start up the conversation again. It’s just the panicking feeling of ‘omg have we run out of things to talk about’ that I can’t stand.

I sometime feel the same. I am reading Listen at the moment and there is a bit in there about the silences being powerful parts of a conversation.

I am reading the book because I think I talk too much and want to be a better listener. Kate Mannix is a lovely writer.

That book sounds interesting, I’ll check it out.

Silences like this are often used as an interrogation technique, incidentally. People generally do find them uncomfortable, so seek to fill them - at which point they’re likely to fall into the trap and reveal more to the interrogator.

My step daughter is like you. She struggles with silence and will inevitably come up with "so, what should we talk about?" after about 30 seconds. It's a bit exhausting, to be honest. Sometimes silence is good especially with people you know well.
When I was in clinical training, I felt really uncomfortable with silence and felt pressure to fill it in. But there is whole concept of "therapeutic silence". It allows people thinking time, time to process emotions and even simply time to recharge for the next bit of the conversation. I can now sit in silence for considerable amount of time and feel perfectly happy with it.

Ooh, I’d never say ‘what shall we talk about’. That would be like admitting there had been a social failure!

I will try to see silence as a positive thing though. That sounds like a good idea.