To think that a gift card doesn't make up for no contact for the best part of a year

[Lionessprotectyoung]

My SD has gone very LC/NC with us due to a disagreement 3 years ago.
Her siblings, my DC had nothing to do with the disagreement but have ultimately been cut off too by default.
They both have their own phones and she bothers to text very occasionally, never calls.
For instance DS1 hadn't heard a thing from her since a text in Feb. DS2 even longer.
She text DS1 this month to ask what voucher he wants for xmas. Last year she asked them both and never sent a thing.

I have stayed out of it but it upsets me she treats them this way. I do think you reap what you sew though and she will realise one day that the bond they shared is weakened at best.

AIBU to think that you can't just send a voucher once in 3 years and think that's keeping a relationship going. DC don't even miss her now and she knows virtually nothing about their lives, only second hand info from my MIL. They've changed so much in 3 years. It's really sad.

Have you considered that this might be her way of trying to be in contact with you when she’s finding it difficult?
Whats the background to this disagreement?

Do your kids actually mind though?

I don't think so as my husband has tried numerous times to build bridges. There are also other opportunities to open the channels of communication. She never thanks us for money we send her for Bday and Xmas so that would be her ideal starting point I think.

I hope this is the start of her at least resolving to make more effort with her siblings and she might be able to mend the flailing relationship. The fact she kept her promise this year is a start. However if she then continues to not make an effort with them, even on birthdays then it's just an empty gesture. DS1 laughed this year when he got the message about the gift card as he didn't believe she'd send it and hadn't heard from her in nearly 10 months.

They definitely feel like she isn't bothered about them yes. They're not crying over it or anything but I know how much they thought of her growing up. Now they're getting older and unfortunately seeing things for how they are and as their DM it makes me feel a bit sad for them.

Depends what the disagreement was about.

You say you and your husband send her money even though she's NC with you. If you do that why can't she send a gift card to her stepsiblings?

Half siblings. She went LC with us not them but it's ended up them by default. She can send them what she likes (when she actually does so and doesn't just promise it) but does it make up for making no effort to talk to them or see them? I guess some people think that's enough. A once a year (or every 3 in her case) gesture.

No I don't think it "makes up for it" but there's clearly a backstory which likely involves complicated feelings and potentially explains odd behaviour.

How old is she and what was the issue?

She's 30 and the issue was between her and her DF. Nothing to do with her siblings. In my view it was not something you cut off your family for - I would have walked away from mine a lot of times if I got like she has over petty arguments but I also realise that it's her choice and her feelings. It is just a shame. Like I said already they've got their own phones so it wouldn't be that hard to make more effort with them. She's very wrapped up in herself though. I don't want to start getting into what I think of her out of respect for my DH and DC as she's their blood.

But you're posting on here about it - is it advice or some kind of validation you're looking for?

Impossible to know who is being unreasonable here without knowing what the argument was about (and you are right not to say).

It sounds like the younger ones are fine about it, so I wouldn't worry on their behalf.

It sounds like there’s way more going on here. People don’t usually go low contact/no contact for no reason. Just because you don’t necessarily see or understand the nuance doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Not much point in posting if you're going to dodge crucial aspects of the story.

She's a young adult, leave her and your children to negotiate their relationship however suits them. Just stop trying to get yourself involved or encourage kinder thoughts if you simply must respond. For example "come on DS, that's nice she was thinking of you" rather than having your tutting opinions and validating your DS poor reactions. Your way is not going to help any of them; you're causing more of a rift by encouraging their disapproval of her, while pretending to be uninvolved.

Just to add she and I had a good relationship for a long time but her behaviour in recent years unfortunately poisoned it. I was kind of bereft over it for a while and she was very cold about it all but it's my family I really feel for.
Before everyone wades in with the evil SM bit can I just say that she's alienated some of her closest friends too. One she'd known since pre school and was like a sister. Her behaviour drove this friend to cease contact with SD maybe 4 or 5 years ago.

You seem very reluctant to post as to exactly why she went NC/LC in the first place. Totally impossible to say whether she is being unreasonable as we don’t know the full story.

Maybe she's just not that bothered about her siblings - like a lot of us. There are no rules that say adult siblings have to spend time together, get on etc..... they have been forced together by accidents of birth, but that doesn't mean they're going to particularly like each other. Adults have choices - I think this young woman should just be allowed to get on with her life however she wishes.

Wow that's a lot of assumptions. Tutting disapproval? My DS have no idea how I really feel. I'd never do that to them as it breaks my heart to think their relationship with their sister has broken down. That's the only reason I'm posting here. It's the one place I can get this off my chest without affecting my loved ones. Maybe crawl back under your rock as you're clearly a troll

Am I right in thinking that she has sent the vouchers this year and they have received them? If that's the case then why not treat it as a positive thing that she has reached out and encourage your children to reply positively thanking her. Open up the lines of communication. I don't know how old they are but they can also reach out and contact her.

You seem to be feeling very negative about a positive step. Understandable, but it may be a chance to change things.

I would stay out of it.

If she wants to send her siblings a voucher for Christmas, let her, and don't make any comment about it.

It makes no difference to my DC why she went LC as its nothing to do with them. When parents divorce do they then cut off their kids because they don't get along with the other parent? Not the same I know but an adult of 30 should be able to maintain some contact with her younger siblings. Especially with the technology we now have.

It’s quite hard to be a child when your parents split up and start new families. It may well be her beef with her Dad is justified and unfortunately her half siblings are caught in the crossfire.

This is not to excuse really bad behaviour, but I think you might be minimising her childhood experiences of being swept aside.

The most useful thing you can do for your kids and the family overall is do a bit of background work to help her maintain contact with them - chasing up on offers to send things, and reminding her to follow though.

It may just be they won’t be close and she’ll establish her own family and get on with a separate life and that’s fine too.

Maybe she doesn’t particularly want to maintain a relationship with them? How old are your dc? Do they ever message her asking how she is or telling her their news?

It’s not the same at all! She didn’t choose to have half siblings, and (through not fault of their own) they may be a reminder of an unhappy childhood for her.

No one is suggesting this is your fault OP (assuming you weren’t the OW) but have a bit of empathy and don’t take it so personally - it’s not an attack on your kids.

Yes I will be ensuring they thank her. The only thing they will see from me is positivity but inside I'm wondering whether they'll hear from her going forward or be cast aside again as she has form for this. I guess there isn't anything I can do anyway. I just needed a little release rather than do it at home.

Some people need space not bridges. It's hard for everyone.

I can't chase her up on her promises to DC. She's not open to that and would take it as criticism. I stay out of it because I don't want to exacerbate the issue.
I think they just won't be close. I suppose I see their relationship fading and find it sad but I need to get over it as it's not my fault.