DP wants to kick SS out

[MalmaMSH]

I've been with DP for 13 years. I have a 16 year old DS and he has a 17(18 at the end of the month) year old DS. We all got on well until he turned 9/10 and his mum started telling him DP preferred me and DS instead and that I was the reason they split up. I suspect this was due to us getting engaged. DS sees DP as his dad and calls him that but SS would constantly say he isn't his dad and would try to hurt DS. We would deal with it at the time.

He moved in with us in Feb as he was saying his stepdad hit him but his mum didn't believe him. DS attempted suicide in August and he very nearly did but thankfully his friend reported it and he was ‘fine’. SS was annoyed as MIL (so his gran) had passed away and so he accused DS of doing it for attention. A few weeks later he told me and DP that he was gay and that was partly the reason. We were fine and his mental health seems to have improved. He asked us not to tell SS so we didn't.

He started college and met a boy. He came out to SS as he was worried about him seeing them at college but since then SS had been homophobic towards DS. Introducing him as his “gay brother” even after DS and us have told him to stop multiple times. Asking why he chose to be gay. And refused to share a room with him on holiday. We've spoken to him and he agrees to stop or just argues, but then he carries on.

DS had his boyfriend over today and he gave DS his Christmas presents, boyfriend has got me and DP a present and SS (A bar of chocolate). SS has been teasing DS by saying that his bf fancies him as he got him a present even though they have hardly spoken and then tried to upset DS by saying he saw him kissing another boy. DS shoved him and went to his room. We spoke to SS and he agreed to apologise but he instead carried on teasing DS. DS has gone out upset.

DP has been thinking of asking him to leave for a while but now has decided he will but I'm unsure if that's the best thing as I worry his behaviour will become worse towards DS

.

Anyone?

Well, he won't be so nearby if he has to move out. You do know that homophobic abuse is a criminal offence, and you could involve the police if he carried on? Protect your son.

So are you saying that your partner wants his own child to move out? I can see why you would want that child to move out. Do whatever it takes to protect your son.

How will this become worse for your ds if he leaves?

Yes he should move out your DH is correct. If anymore homophobic abuse was to continue then report him to the police.

This is hard. Ultimately, it's your husbands decision.

Homophobia is always totally unacceptable however I also feel sorry for your stepson and i think he's acting out from a place of parental rejection.

He's only 16 but when a young boy he was told his father didn't love him enough & preferred his new family. His mother remarried and his step father beat him.

Which his mother didn't believe.

From his perspective, he's been rejected by every parental figure in his life and made to feel worthless.

I can see why this pain and jealousy has found a focus in your son and I don't believe a 16 year old should be written off due to failures by their parent(s). Kicking him out of his home isn't going to make him better, it'll just worsen his sense of rejection.

Can you access family counselling?

Protect your Son. Its a hard decision for your DP to make, commendable that he's xome to the right decision. Your Son shouldn't have to live with this hostility on his own home. It's supposed to be his safe space but because you and his Dad are together, that does not mean your Son has to live with a bully. SS clearly has his own issues understandably but your Son shouldn't be paying the price for that. They need to be apart.

Your Son is vulnerable. & do keep an eye out because even when SS leaves, he could very well take the situation out on your Son. Whatever the case, he needs to go.

& his homophobia is disgusting

Your SS has really been through the mill, he's really not had good parental bonds at all and giving up on him and kicking him out now, will basically be writing him off. What kind of life will he have? 17 is a troublesome age. I think it's too young to be kicking him out. He's nearly 18, he could mature into a nicer person if he's handled properly.
Obviously, you need to protect your DS. But I feel sorry for your SS too. He's jealous of the life your DS has had with parents who love him. He's hurt and is acting like a hurt child because he hasn't been given what he needed to mature into a nice young adult. His brain is still developing, DP needs to step up more and give that lad what he needs to know he's loved and wanted.

This is a radical thought and probably totally unacceptable but what if you and your son lived apart for a while. It would be expensive, but I hate to think of a father giving up on his son while it would also be appalling for your son to have to put up living with a bully.

Has your dp sat his son down and explained that homophobic abuse is a crime and that he's gone too far? That if he cannot behave with decency then he will have to move out. That he loves him & doesn't want that to happen but he will have no choice.

Made it clear this is last chance saloon.

Yes, I think @Coyoacan is right.

I'm not sure I could throw him out after what he's been through, he's def been let down by his mum, but he needs to stop being so childish esp as your DS is vulnerable.

It seems like your SS needs some help, so I'd suggest seeking help from one of the mental health charities like Mind or Relate. 121 counselling might help him. You also need firmer boundaries, but your SS needs to know you love him as much as your DS so you both need to show this. Start focussing on +ve things he does. And suddenly its only +ve things he'll do. This approach works.

Some of the people answering have missed the bit about both being at college, so I get why you think it might worsen if SS is kicked out. Just don't kick him out. He's too young to fend for himself and he can't go back into an abusive house with his mum.