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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's Birthday Treat

54 replies

DoubleTime · 19/12/2023 20:41

I offered to take a friend for a birthday lunch, my treat, asking when she was free and where she would like to go. She picked a bar and a time and we agreed this last week, she said she would book the table for 1pm tomorrow. After 7pm this evening she contacts me unexpectedly to say she could only get a table at 11am. A bit surprised I asked her about lunch and offered an alternative (checked it had a free table 1pm tomorrow and it was somewhere we had talked of going before so I knew she would like). She said no, she doesn't usually eat lunch, that she was happy with the 11am. I don't have time to sort out a replacement prezzie, I had just got her a small thing as lunch was to be my treat. Asked did she prefer a dinner instead of a lunch and she said she had plans tomorrow for dinner.
I feel a bit irritated that she didn't ever say she didn't eat lunch, she didn't book the table until late today presumably and found they couldn't do 1pm, but am I being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/12/2023 21:14

I think you can just treat her to coffee and a pastry at 11am - save yourself some money and still see your friend this isn't a problem?

JamieKnows · 19/12/2023 21:14

So you're going to the same place? Just treat her to whatever she chooses from the menu. If she'd turned up at 1pm and decided she just fancied coffee and a cake would you have sulked until she chose something you deem appropriate?

Original poster
DoubleTime · 19/12/2023 21:16

VisionsOfSplendour · 19/12/2023 21:06

Is this the first time she's ever mentioned that she doesn't eat lunch? Bit odd that she's never told you that and led you to believe you were going out for a meal

Yes, that was a big surprise. We dont meet often, but when we do its usually been for lunch

OP posts:
Allwelcone · 19/12/2023 21:18

I think OP olis miffed the friend didn't book the place as they said they had. Also that friend didn't just say they'd prefer brunch. Just being messed around generally when OP was doing something nice.

Original poster
DoubleTime · 19/12/2023 21:19

JamieKnows · 19/12/2023 21:14

So you're going to the same place? Just treat her to whatever she chooses from the menu. If she'd turned up at 1pm and decided she just fancied coffee and a cake would you have sulked until she chose something you deem appropriate?

No actually. And yes, of course I will do a 45 min trip both ways to a venue near her to buy her a coffee, for as long as we are allowed to hold the table if its so busy there. Because I said I would meet her, and I would like to see her.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoubleTime · 19/12/2023 21:21

Allwelcone · 19/12/2023 21:18

I think OP olis miffed the friend didn't book the place as they said they had. Also that friend didn't just say they'd prefer brunch. Just being messed around generally when OP was doing something nice.

That is exactly it.

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 19/12/2023 21:23

Go at 11, but her coffee and cake or whatever, give her the small present and leave it at that

or explain lunch was to be the present, what about meeting one evening instead

Whattheheckcarer · 19/12/2023 21:26

Give her present, but coffee and explain lunch was to be the present. Then I'd wait and see whether she takes the initiative to meet again.

Could she be dieting, not drinking?

Moonshine5 · 19/12/2023 21:27

I say this gently maybe you think more of her then she does of you. Sorry.

Original poster
DoubleTime · 19/12/2023 21:31

Tinkerbyebye · 19/12/2023 21:23

Go at 11, but her coffee and cake or whatever, give her the small present and leave it at that

or explain lunch was to be the present, what about meeting one evening instead

Yes, I am offering alternatives but its a busy time of year now. I asked her a while ago because her birthday is close to Christmas and I knew it would be difficult to find a time that she was free, and I wanted to make sure I had kept it free,

OP posts:
CRbear · 19/12/2023 21:32

Asking someone to book their own birthday lunch - there are two types of people, one who feels like you’ve given them a job for their birthday and one who wouldn’t mind - maybe she’s the first type.

Original poster
DoubleTime · 19/12/2023 21:35

Moonshine5 · 19/12/2023 21:27

I say this gently maybe you think more of her then she does of you. Sorry.

Yes, probably. We were in touch late last week (tomorrow's lunch was still at 1pm at that point) because of something bad that happened to me unexpectedly. I wont go into details, but its definitely the sort of thing you would have followed up on to ask how the person was. But she only contacted me to say the time for tomorrow, she hasn't asked.

OP posts:
SaltedPotato · 19/12/2023 21:36

Sounds to me like she's got an invite to dinner and doesn't want to spoil her appetite.

JamieKnows · 19/12/2023 21:38

"But I really do think she didn't try and book it last week when she said, and then remembered tonight and found the only time left was 11am."

If the only time left was 11am and you're meeting at 11am now why hasn't she booked the same place. Makes no sense!

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 19/12/2023 21:53

She doesn't have to do what you offered, if it's her birthday treat!
Be happy that she felt able to tell you what she'd rather do, and go along with good grace 😊

Etherealcelestialbeing · 19/12/2023 21:53

Maybe she's pregnant and doesn't want to have to lie/make excuses for not drinking at a lunch. A coffee is easier to manage.

Itsallsostressful · 19/12/2023 22:01

Frances0911 · 19/12/2023 21:05

She should have been upfront at the beginning, and told you that she couldn't go for lunch at 1pm. If she's copping out because she's now planned something else, then she could have at least invited you along. I'd just go for coffee and not offer any food unless she asks.

Edited

Or....you know just go with the flow when you meet and not be so uptight !

Watchthedoormat · 19/12/2023 22:02

She has other plans/ has had a better offer and needs to be away early.
I really think it's that obvious.
I'm betting that you spend more time travelling to her than actual time sent with her.
Unfortunately this has become a chore she feels she can't get out of.
I'd cancel and do both of you a favor.

BasinHaircut · 19/12/2023 22:11

I’d tell her 11am doesn’t work and so why don’t you reschedule for January.

get her to let you have a date for lunch, or if she doesn’t eat lunch then dinner.

Agree it sounds like she has a better offer for dinner so has relegated you to coffee.

Cant stand it when people do this and I’m strictly 2 strikes and out these days. Don’t waste my time.

Original poster
DoubleTime · 19/12/2023 22:52

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 19/12/2023 21:53

She doesn't have to do what you offered, if it's her birthday treat!
Be happy that she felt able to tell you what she'd rather do, and go along with good grace 😊

No she doesn't, but just because its her treat from me does that mean I didn't deserve a little more warning that the plans had changed? I only learned after 7pm (a text not a call) that there was no table booked for 1pm like I thought and now I need to be there 2 hours earlier, for a quick coffee.

OP posts:
Finlesswonder · 19/12/2023 22:59

I get you OP. You wanted to do something special and generous for her while also have a nice moment together, ans instead it's going to feel like....Well, a coffee.

Because you were going to make this nice (and expensive) gesture, you also only bought a small token present and now feel like it will feel underwhelming with just a coffee, so potentially feel like you have to now find a "better" present before 11am tomorrow while also delivering food to your mum.

It sucks and I don't think you're being uptight. I don't get why your friend agreed to lunch if she doesn't eat lunch

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/12/2023 23:06

I wonder if she's trying to keep the weight off, and panicking at the thought of the series of delicious but calorific meals she's going to be eating over the next few weeks?

Oh wait, that's me. But maybe her too...

AlltheFs · 19/12/2023 23:11

Just tell her 11am doesn’t work for
you and you’ll do something in the new year instead. You aren’t required to fit in.

But tbh it doesn’t sound like she is that bothered.

TwinklingLightsEverywhere · 19/12/2023 23:23

Yep, she has told you she has dinner plans so has probably realised that lunch is a bad idea.

I dont necessarily agree that this is a sign she doesn't much care for your company, but you've added another post that suggests she might not care so much. Or maybe she's got a lot going on.

Go and meet her, have a nice time, see whether she suggests meeting up again.

TwinklingLightsEverywhere · 19/12/2023 23:24

And I agree, people who mess you about at the last minute are irritating!