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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Uninvited from Christmas

36 replies

anonforthis87 · 19/12/2023 17:49

DH and I are both only children. DH's parents died years ago so it's literally just my parents left. They are in their late 60s/early 70s and in fairly good health. We live quite far from them (full day's drive, about 8 hours.) We have two young DC (1 and 5) and we both work full time, so we don't visit very often - usually 3 times a year including Christmas. I've always felt guilty about that but we can't manage more often. We would happily see them more often if they visited us, but even though they are retired whereas we are constantly busy and feeling like we're juggling too many plates, it has always been "our job" to visit as I was the one moving away and they will not stay with us..

Since retiring and Covid, my parents have basically become recluse, they don't see anyone, refuse to do video calls (despite us buying them a smartphone and showing/explaining how to use it) and when we tried to invite them on holidays with us they bailed at the last minute leaving us with their bill. However they complain that I do not call them often. I really struggle with voice-only calls especially as I'm always walking on eggshells not wanting to say something that will offend them in some way. Still, I have never missed Christmas with them (except during lockdown when they told us not to come) as it's important to me and now to my older DC.

Yesterday I got an email from my father saying he came down with the flu on Saturday so they are cancelling the Christmas get-together as the contagion risk is too high. I said I hoped he would feel better soon, but as we're all vaccinated against the flu and not at risk we're happy to take our chances - anyway hopefully he will be better after a week! Of course DH and I offered to cook, do groceries and stay at a hotel as we suspected it was the additional work they were worried about - no problem with doing any of these things.

They still don't want us to come and the reasons they give (without going into details) don't really make much sense. I wouldn't mind so much if they were honest about why. As it is I just feel sad. My 5-year-old has been looking forward to going to "grandpa and grandma's house" for Christmas. From a purely financial standpoint it's also too late to cancel the cattery so we'll be paying that anyway. AIBU to be sad and annoyed? I don't remember either set of grandparents ever cancelling Christmas when I was a child.

OP posts:

Comedycook · 19/12/2023 17:52

Sorry op...that sounds so hurtful

Flickersy · 19/12/2023 17:53

With respect, the last thing you want in your home when you're ill is guests. Even if those guests have offered to do the cooking etc.

I know it's sad OP but if they've got flu it's unlikely they'll be ready for company in a week.

olympicsrock · 19/12/2023 17:55

Maybe they are just knackered or don’t want guests. Stay at home and enjoy and chilled one.

Anonymouseposter · 19/12/2023 17:56

I don't think it would be much fun if you went. I would concentrate on getting some nice food in and planning a good time for your child. Just explain that Gandpa isn't feeling well so plans have changed.

NAndJSaysVoteConservative · 19/12/2023 17:59

Do you really want to risk your DC getting seriously ill?

Good on your DP for doing the right thing and isolating.

2dogsandabudgie · 19/12/2023 17:59

I think you need to see it from your father's point of view. Flu can be horrible, everyone reacts differently to it and if he is feeling ill the last thing he will want is excited children around him. Have a lovely Christmas at home and hopefully you may be able to see them in the New Year.

MILTOBE · 19/12/2023 18:01

I think you'll have a much nicer time staying at home, tbh. It must be very hurtful but when you compare Christmas with them to Christmas in your own home, I think your own home wins hands down.

Takacupokindnessyet · 19/12/2023 18:01

We're currently dealing with the flu and will probably have to cancel Christmas plans with family as a result so i don't think they are being unreasonable

Zanatdy · 19/12/2023 18:02

If he genuinely has the flu I can understand why he’s not up for company, even if they do the cooking and shopping, especially young children who can be full on.

savoycabbage · 19/12/2023 18:04

He can't help being ill.

I once flew back to the Uk from Australia - twenty six hours each way, with two infants on my own to spend Christmas with my sister and she had the flu and she couldn't get out of bed.

Your five year old will be disappointed but you will just have to throw yourself in to creating a lovely Christmas at home for your family and go and see your parents when they are better.

Lochness1975 · 19/12/2023 18:05

When I had flu it totally floored me for a few weeks. I can understand why they don’t want little kids running around. They’ve had plenty of Christmas’ in their lifetime, if they want a quiet one, enjoy one in your own home with your family.

MatildaTheCat · 19/12/2023 18:05

It sounds as if there are underlying issues that have been brewing for a long time. Let this go and have a fun time at home- no eggshells to navigate.

In the NY I’d be trying to have an honest conversation with them about what is going on and how you miss seeing them. If you never address the issue it will get worse not better.

Theunamedcat · 19/12/2023 18:05

Speak to the cattery they might have people looking for a last minute space and can sell yours on

Ohtobetwentytwo · 19/12/2023 18:07

I dont think you should have pushed back when they made their excuses.

Kindly, its not about you and your kids. They are backing off so just give them the space to do it. None of us know what we will be like at that age.

Notmetoo · 19/12/2023 18:07

It's sad and I can understand why you are upset but flu can last for a couple of weeks and wipe you out completely. Also it takes longer to get over things as you get older.
If your Dad has flu I can understand why they don't want guests at Christmas even if you cook stay elsewhere he probably just won't be up to Christmas and your mum might also come down with it.
Perhaps just enjoy Christmas with your own little family and try and visit your parents in the new year for a non Christmas Christmas when they are feeling better

PastorCarrBonarra · 19/12/2023 18:07

I’m in sympathy with your dad, OP. I’m recovering from a very bad cold and I would not have been up for company over the last few days, even beloved DC or grandchildren. It wouldn’t have made a difference if they’d offered to shop and cook. I just wouldn’t have been good company. Sorry.

I do feel for your disappointed DC though. I remember plans being cancelled due to illness when I was a kid, and it’s gutting and difficult to understand.

MaggieNextDoor · 19/12/2023 18:10

Create a truly magical Christmas in your own home. The cat doesn't have to go to the cattery. Buy some nice food and drink and start making your own Christmas traditions with your children.

Maybe this is your parents' way of letting you know that they no longer want to host Christmas. Perhaps they are dreaming of a Caribbean cruise next December or raising a glass on a sunny beach somewhere? Also full-blown flu is shocking. I hope your dad feel better soon.

UsingChangeofName · 19/12/2023 18:17

I haven't voted as YANBU to feel sad, but if they have flu, they ANBU to not want visitors.

It seems sad that, as young and healthy retirees they do not want to travel to spend time near you and their only Grandchildren during the year though.

I don't think the Christmas thing is unreasonable, but I do think the making no effort to see their only family is.

MintJulia · 19/12/2023 18:20

If they have flu, I completely understand them not wanting visitors including small children in the house.

Accept that they are poorly and leave them to recuperate in peace. Suggest getting together at Easter.

cheezncrackers · 19/12/2023 18:30

I think a lot of older people get to the point where they don't really want to host Christmas any more (it's a lot of work!) and they don't want to go away either. Add flu into the mix and I expect your DF feels like death warmed up and that's why he's pulled the plug, although if he came down with it on Saturday that's 9 days before Christmas Day, so he'll probably be feeling better by then. I don't know the answer OP, particularly with you living so far from them.

My DM had a hissy fit one Christmas when my kids were little and said she was fed up of doing Christmas and didn't want to do it any more. I said 'Fine' and we've stayed at home ever since. It's been a bloody relief, I tell you and my kids much prefer being at home for Christmas anyway!

Bumply · 19/12/2023 18:35

My PIL once cancelled us visiting them at Christmas just a week beforehand.

I was 7 months pregnant and looking forward to some relaxation.

What rankled was they used the excuse that it was too far for me to travel when that pregnant, which was obviously a made up excuse as I was still doing a 2 hour commute each way to work at the time and the drive to their place was 2.5 hours.

Fair enough if they had a genuine reason. I just didn't like it being presented as doing me a favour. We had to rush out and do food shopping at the last minute as it wasn't much notice.

cheddercherry · 19/12/2023 18:56

It sounds more like this is the straw that’s broke the camels back. It does sound like you’re more generally disappointed with your relationship that they don’t reciprocate the effort you’re trying to make and they don’t prioritise your family. BUT you can’t change that, it does seem like if they aren’t ill then they are subtly trying to stop hosting (which again is common for people their age) or if they are unwell then I do sympathise. I’ve been ill for days and am struggling with my own five year old around when I feel so rough! It’s a tricky one but I’d just take this as a start to making some traditions within your immediate family and focusing on making it special for you. Ultimately you can’t change what people want as sad as it may be.

TheCatterall · 19/12/2023 19:04

I have flu now and doubt I’ll be doing anything on Christmas Day now. I dont want to socialise. I don’t feel well enough. Even if others cooked I have no appetite and I certainly couldn’t bare to be around children or any noise (general chit chat etc). The lights are too bright, I just want to snooze in peace etc.

yes it’s disappointing but flu to some of us absolutely floors us and wipes us out.

JumperStars · 19/12/2023 19:05

I'm think you are being unreasonable here. As an isolated incident, I don't blame them for cancelling. I wouldn't want guests either, even if they were cooking etc.

It sounds like there is more to your feelings though, as they seem to guilt you and make little effort. That's probably making this seem bigger than it is.

WickDittington · 19/12/2023 19:21

If it is the real flu (not just an ordinary cold) then I'd be wanting to hibernate too. And if I were in my early 70s, I think even more so.

I think you have to get over not liking voice-only calls, and keep in touch with them in the way they fid comfortable.

But yes, it must hurt. In future, make our own Christmas plans - don't rely on anyone else. Have fun, just the 4 of you at home, or go away somewhere interesting.

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