To find my 13 yr old DS really, really hard work

[zeroherozero]

We have always had more of a fractious relationship than he has with DH. DS is fiery, smart, searing and doesn't let anything go or anyone off the hook. I am also fiery and buckle and snap if he pushes too much. Which he does, all. the. time.

He is always full of injustice, thinks his life is worse than anyone's, he gets less screen, less independence, less junk food - which is rubbish, he gets loads. He 's either in my face until he gets something, or he's pretty rude, or he's really happy - because he's getting what he wants.

I find it so hard. Every day I think, I'll do better. And every day I fail. I end up snapping through exhaustion and short-temper just burning up.

I could just give him everything he wants, but I feel like I can't.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I honestly feel like my heart breaks sometimes with the feeling that i'm just going to be the person he hates when he's older.

In my experience this is common.

My DS11 is the same. We never back down once we've said he can't do something though.

Don't feel bad if you don't give in to him or give him everything he wants. As you know, the adult world isn't like that. He needs to learn that he can't have everything his own way. You won't set him up appropriately for adulthood if you give in.

Stay strong. You'll get through it!

And does your DH back you up and is he DS dad?

DH is brilliant. He's much better than me at reasonably holding the line.

He is the dad.

We just climaxed into today's bust up. It's a boiling pot by the end of the day, we have it out, and we cuddle. But it's happening too often and I'm worried that it's the start of decline during the important years.

Do you have any fun together? Is there anything that makes you both laugh, or an activity that you both enjoy?

sone kids are hard work so I think it’s important to make space for moments of closeness, if possible.

Also, try not to lock horns, even if you are right. For example, if he thinks something is unfair, agree with him, exaggerate, say you’ve never seen anything so unfair in your life, suggest he goes to the press (Etc) - basically turn it into something silly rather than making a battle out of it.

I’d overlook some of the bad behaviour for the sake of developing better relations.

Lastly I wonder if you could channel his feistiness, acuity and sense of justice into some useful activity - he sounds like a budding activist.

In my experience 13-14 is the worst time with boys - they’re fired up with testosterone and can be very argumentative and sometimes aggressive. You have to hold the line though. Stay calm and breathe deeply.
And never buy the line that he’s worse off than his mates.

Breathe. If it escalates just walk away. Have firm boundaries that you do not back down on but let the rest go. Find spaces to talk, car, end of day bed chat, while making a meal. You can say, i am not talking to you anymore. Remember that they love you and you love them. Oh and breathe!! It does end I promise you.

Parenting teenage boys is extremely difficult....I suggest diffusing tension with breezy humour and love bombing. For example...eugh I hate you mum...how absolutely charming, I love you too.

Thanks all. I do try and walk away but he finds just a neutral expression and no words as frustrating as me responding. It's an absolutely no win. If I say uh-huh, and walk away he comes after me 'come on, tell me. I know you're cross. Or you're this xx. Or you're that.'

I'm never off the emotional hook.

But I feel like it's all my fault, because of my personality and my parenting

I’m on my third 13 year old DS and whilst they are all different - I agree with the approaches of defuse with silliness and the love bombing, depending on the situation of course. Also, finding other times to have good conversations about the hard moments can be helpful eg when you’re in the car or doing some thing else relatively mindless together like washing and drying up, My second DS was an immense challenge but he’s 17 now and we just spent the evening having a fab kitchen disco and chatting about all sorts of things. Like with babies, toddles and tweens in the hard times it feels like it’s endless but you’ll get there. Plus, I always held onto the wisdom that they test you hard when they know they’re safe because you love them unconditionally. Keep both the boundaries and the conversations (the latter when seems best) going and you’ll get there xxx

Make sure he's eating enough. Often at that age they are growing fast and get hungry (and angry) without realising. (more) regular food might help his mood.

Often the children we find the hardest have the same personality traits that we find the hardest. You are both fiery. You need to recognise that this is about how two fiery people react to each other, and as you are the adult, find a different way to react to him.

@Sometimeshaveaclue What's a kitchen disco?

For example, if he thinks something is unfair, agree with him, exaggerate, say you’ve never seen anything so unfair in your life, suggest he goes to the press (Etc) - basically turn it into something silly rather than making a battle out of it.

Don't do this. When has ever a passive-aggressive pisstake of someone and their out of control emotions resulted in a diffusion of the situation?

Although it feels awful, it is developmentally normal for teenagers to push boundaries as they become increasingly independent. He’s learning to separate from you. I’m sure he absolutely won’t hate you when he’s older.

I’d say pick your battles. Decide what’s important to you and hold those boundaries firm, but don’t sweat the small stuff. this will hopefully avoid every tiny thing becoming a battle. Don’t get drawn into an argument with him. It sounds like you’re actually quite similar in personality! That can be challenging! It’s tough but try not to get drawn into an argument. Also try and make time for fun. It’s no good for either of you if you’re constantly laying down the law. Good luck, you’ll get through it.

You definitely need to not give in to him every single time. He’s learning that aggression gets what he wants and that is a hard lesson to unlearn and will likely escalate when people do say no.

I have no words of wisdom as I have 2 DDs not teens yet but I was a feisty teen full of a sense of injustice and passion to be the voice of the unheard. I also knew that, if my parents said no, it was for a reason and not just because they were digging their heels in so I knew not to push it. I’m still a feisty adult now but I know when to voice my opinion and when to shut my mouth. Challenging unhealthy views is part of my job now and I am working with men who have learnt aggression as their coping strategy. It’s my job to help them learn new methods.

I have a 13 yo ds too. My older and wiser colleague with two adult sons advised me to pick my battles. Don’t get stuck holding the line on everything. Decide what really is non- negotiable. Otherwise when he is older you will have lost the trust and communication and he will do whatever he wants anyway. All easier said than done by the way!

I don't mean to undermine your feelings or put the boot in, but this sounds very typical and I think rather than looking to change him, you could work on yourself. You need more patience but you also need to model better ways of communication.

It sounds like you're similar personalities so rather than blame him, you may get better results getting some help yourself (therapy) and model that new and improved communication back to him rather than snapping and feeling guilty.

If he follows you goading you what do you do?

It’s the part of what you describe that would concern me most for his attitude and future relationships.

I would discuss with DH that this behaviour is too aggressive and needs to stop and, when calm I would set out this expectation with DS. tell him how to manage this emotion and what to do ‘DS if you find yourself following and goading me you need to stop as this behaviour will damage relationships. Instead try to divert your energy to something else for five minutes eg make a drink then when you have finished it decide if the thing you want to know is important enough to discuss respectfully.

I would also perhaps look to address the key things that DS wants that lead to a ‘No’ and this type of behaviour separately. Eg the flash point in our house was screen time. We agreed a family meeting where this was discussed and an interim agreement made for the next month (time frame also debated and mutually agreed with DC) and it’s written up and all agree to follow it. It’s more than I wanted and less than DC wanted but we all agreed to following and review in a month. If school work slipping, if sleep or attitudes slipping, if the agreement isn’t followed etc there are consequences at the end of the month and a risk is screen time gets reduced at the review discussion. There is always a family caveat that if DGP’s come round family time overrules any screen time for an hour! Nothing is said in month or discussion or alterations entertained in any way from either side.

If school work is a flash point I would step
of of this all together and say to DC he is old enough to manage his work which will impact his future. To be sure to come and discuss any difficulties with you if help needed. School will intervene as required.

Honestly, he sounds like a very normal teenager.

Sounds like you really need to pick your battles here. Is the screentime such a big issue for you that you want a daily conflict?

I would agree with the “hangry” teenager stage. At 13 they pile on weight and grow outwards ready for a massive growth spurt upwards. I like to call it the barrel stage. DS and his friends all went into the first lockdown at the end of this stage and emerged 8 mnths later unrecognisable. DS’s form tutor asked me what I had been feeding DS. Because they hadn’t been wearing school uniform it was a bit of a mad rush in early Sept 2020 to replace most of his uniform. He then started to burst out of his new blazer towards the end of yr11. I stitched it up several times.
They also start sleeping for much longer.
When he starts to get touchy feed him, they don’t always realise their blood sugar is bottoming out.
DS is very sporty and can easily demolish 6000calories a day when he’s training most days. I joked with a friend that after a big shop and filling the fridge and cupboards, DS would just stand in front of the open fridge planning how he would eat his way through it. We like to call it fridge porn.

I found it hard when my DD was this age. She has a similar character to mine which didn't help. I tried to understand her behaviour, tried to remember how I felt at her age and attended some webinars about teenagers' brains and this stage in their lives which was very helpful.
Every time we had a bust up though it made me feel like a terrible mother. I took a step back and let my DH talk to her more as they have a better relationship than I do with her.
Good news though - my DD is now 15 and I feel like this terrible stage is mostly behind us, so it does get better. She's matured and I've learnt to let some things go.
Fingers crossed for you!