Ds 3.5. Spirited or something else?

[Jingledog]

My ds is full of energy and very enthusiastic. He often runs after other kids in public giggling and shouting hello. I think he just wants to play.

Nursery says he doesn't fit in with the other kids, doesn't understand social cues and is generally socially awkward.

Obviously this is disheartening as I just see a happy go lucky child who wants to play. Anyone elses child like or was like this?

I'd assume their assessment is based on much more than just DS running after other children?

@EvilElsa the running after kids is just an example of his enthusiastic behaviour. Nursery says he often wants to but in and join play but does it awkwardly. I guess I'm just hoping it's an age thing and he needs a bit more socialisation.

Also any tips on how to socialise little ones? Or should it come naturally?

Did nursery give you any suggestions or could you ask them for support? Nursery have been really helpful in supporting me with DS and we work on things together using the same strategies, modelling the same behaviour and using the same words etc.

How long has he been going to nursery? That's usually how people socialise little ones, along with family, trips to park/soft play/library/toddler groups etc.

You say you think he just wants to play, have you asked him why he's doing it this way, discussed nicer ways to approach people etc? What's his response like?

One of my DC is 3.5 and would be scared of someone they didn't know running at them and shouting. Obviously I'm sure that's not your son's intention, but he might not realise this?

@noscoobydoodle they are supporting him by letting him have more frequent smaller group interactions as he tends to retreat in larger groups settings. But other then not really. Has your DS improved socially? Would love to hear what you have implemented if you feel comfortable sharing

If nursery have raised it as a problem I'd be inclined to believe them. They'll have far more idea than the people of mumsnet (who have never met your DS!).

Are there any other concerns with his development? What's his speech like? When did he start nursery and what was he doing before that?

The nursery staff have the experience of dozens/hundreds of others of the same age/stage over the years. They are seeing something that may turn out to be nothing, but they are flagging that your son’s behaviour is unusual. It’s up to you if you do anything though.

@NuffSaidSam no everything else is progressing well and or advanced like his language etc. He started nursery 6 months ago after turning 3. Maybe not used to being with other children although he has a sibling. The SENCO observed him and said no referrals needed. They are not raising it as problem just that they'd like to see him forming more relationships with the other children

@NancyJoan ok what would you suggest I do. Obviously I'm willing to do anything that would potentially help him socially

In that case he probably just needs a bit of time to mature a little.

Talk to him lots about how other people feel, about how actions impact other people. You can role play with puppets/teddies/Duplo people or whatever he has. If you watch stuff like Bluey, which models friendships very well, you can discuss it as you're watching it and point out to him the methods that are successful (sharing, taking turns, being kind, listening to the other persons boundaries) etc.

If he has a friend at nursery it might be worth arranging a playdate outside of nursery so he can get a bit of practise in a one on one environment and while you're also there to intervene if he's becoming too 'spirited'.

@takealettermsjones just 6 months at nursery. I delayed as I was WFH and thought being at home in his early years would be beneficial but wonder if this is a factor. As he is a little free spirited and not as used to group activities as some of the other children so doesn't engage as much.
We do playgroups, soft play, library, national trusts daily. Playdates maybe once or twice a month. I didn't make many mum friends during lockdown and we live away from family so I wonder if this has also had an impact. Although we've been to a few big functions and spend special occasions with others

@NuffSaidSam appreciate your reply. You just want them to have friends and be included in things don't you. Hopefully time will improve things for him

Seeing what the nursery said and also that you describe him as a 'free spirit', I would think the nursery was on to something. Can you try role playing with toys/dolls and in real-life scenarios? If the sibling is of an appropriate age, include scenarios with them as well. For example, if DS is running after a child on the playground and they are just not having it, letting him know when he gets back to you....."It doesn't look like they want to play today. They were shaking their head No and not running with you. That's a clue they would like to be by themselves today". Then sending DS on his way to play on the swings, or something. Later that day, I'd find an opportunity to model this same scenario when playing with DS with dolls to reinforce that I want him to take notice of peer social cues. Rinse and repeat.

@KnowledgeableMomma what do you mean by into something? That his behaviour is not typical? That it could still be sen?

I have tried to explain his but sometimes I just end up saying 'come on stop that' or 'leave them alone'. Maybe some more language surrounding others feelings might help. Thank you.

@Jingledog , I mean if a third party (the nursery) has recognized he struggles in this area, and you have, too, then it is something to address.

Mine!! We had to teach him how to play and teach him how to interact with peers.

It was a bit weird tbh but it did work. nursery went on and on and on about a diagnosis. Thankfully school were more "some children are just like this and it'll be fine" and it was!

He's 10 now and I'm battling 30 cards in his bedroom from his class mates. it's chaotic in there. He has an amazing group of buddies and he's well loved. ❤️

😊

• I meant Christmas cards 😊

I’m always wary of any parent describing their child as ‘spirited’ that usually means the child is out of control but the parent refuses to see it or finds it charming! And this does tie into what the nursery is saying. Even my 5 year old would probably be scared of someone randomly chasing them and shouting, so the littler kids must be being affected or other parents have complained for the nursery to have approached you about this. I also echo what a previous poster said - the nursery have experience of hundreds of children so there must be something that is standing out to them about your child. I guess advice would be to try to reenforce the concept of empathy as from what you’ve described he sounds like a boy of a bull dozer! But on the other hand if they have said any assessments are not necessary then maybe nothing for you to worry about 🤷🏻‍♀️

Definitely do a lot of language around feelings. You can also chat with him about what he wants when he runs after children making friendly overtures.

Try to give him a script.
"HI friends. Can I play with you?"
"HI friends. Can I join the game?"

You can encourage him to remember to share toys and not to shout or snatch, and to sit and listen during carpet time/ story time.

I remember seeing a mother here coaching her painfully shy daughter who had a birth mark on her cheek to ask the other girls, "Who's your favorite Disney princess?" and to smile at the classmates. A little cringe but it was a good ice breaker.

Kids need a good deal of coaching and reminders when it comes to relationships with peers. If a SENCO has seen nothing to flag, then it's just a matter of explicit teaching.

Don't beat yourself up about keeping him away from nursery til 3. I highly doubt that's the problem here. Lots of children where I live don't attend any sort of childcare or school until age 4 and it doesn't have harmful effects.

Make sure the nursery hasn't missed whether your DC is being actively shunned by one or two kids.

Does he understand and respect boundaries?

If he doesn’t behave in a way that is similar to his peers then I’d be inclined to expect some form of meeting further down the line to discuss sen.

I have two autistic children and one also has ADHD. Both are opposing in their behaviour with other children in terms of wanting to play and interact (one wouldn’t go near a stranger and one would run up saying hello). Can you ask nursery to keep a diary of behaviours they are concerned about.

@captainhampton I absolutely love this! ❤️❤️ Thank you so much for your reply

@TheSnowyOwl it boggles my mind that there can't be variation in how children behave at this age but yes if an issue down the line in terms of not doing the same as peers I totally get why an assessment would be suggested. He does have boundaries and does listen (most of the time). Like I say he is just very enthusiastic about life whereas other kids are happy to sit down and take instructions etc. The nursery say he is a joy to be around just a bit different to the others and dare I say it more intelligent (their words not mine) so there is a bit of misalignment in interests and therefore he doesn't fit in

The diary idea is a good one. Thank you

@mathanxiety didn't realise coaching in this area was a thing. Will definitely try this really helpful thank you. I have asked if the kids are not interested in him although they said no I do wonder

Sorry I just noticed your reply to me (no notification for some reason). My DS has some different 'issues' (very spirited but a real people person and a ringleader who doesn't listen or ever sit still, causing chaos at nursery with his band of merry followers) but like the PP says, nursery and I have been working on things through role play, modelling behaviours with his toys and using the same words to explain why things are important just to reinforce it over and over again. If nursery flag something I trust that they see loads of kids and they are seeing something out of the ordinary. They also have some great ideas for coaching different behaviours. My DS is certainly very different from his two older siblings so I didn't have any strategies to employ from them!