To ask DH to limit visits to MIL to 1 week?

[Paulafernalia]

Our families live abroad and travelling with a 1yo is expensive and exhausting so when we visit them we stay for a few days.

My MIL’s house is an absolute mess. There is a pile of stuff in every chair, every table and every surface of the house. She has taken over every wardrobe and drawer. When we stay at hers we have to put all our things on the floor in various rooms. I feel uncomfortable staying here. This doesn’t bother DH at all (I suppose he is used to this).

We obviously can’t ask MIL to do anything about it. We could maybe suggest she throw out the set of 50 encyclopaedias that no one has consulted in 30 years but other than that… it’s her home.

AIBU to ask DH that we never stay for longer than 1 week? That’s all I can take before losing my sanity. Should I suck it up because she doesn’t see DC often? We do this 3 times a year. She visits us as well sometimes (we always clear a whole wardrobe for her btw). Other than this, she’s a great MIL and is amazing with DC. I would rather leave DC with her than with any other relative.

Not what you asked but how do you fit in other family activities if you’re spending three weeks of your annual leave at MIL’s? A week is a long time to stay with anyone.

I think you have a perfect opportunity to raise this gently referring to DC not having enough space to crawl/ walk/ play etc.
The problem is that your DH is ok with it. Is it because you are dealing with all things when visiting ( that’s why you lose your sanity but not he) ?

Stay in a hotel? An apartment?

I second staying else where as you can then come and go. Or as the little one gets older, say it's too much and cut back visits and say they can come to you? In hotel or at yours space dependant

I think it's fair for you to only spend a week, but not really fair to enforce that on your DH and DC, assuming no safety concerns. I think he should do the trip alone with DC sometimes.

Absolutely fair enough

I think it depends where she lives. If you're in the UK and she's in Australia then a week isn't very long. If she's in France then a week is plenty.

How long does your DH want to stay for? A week is a long time to stay in anyone's house. I'd maybe look at staying in an apartment nearby if the trip needs to be longer than a week rather than cutting the trip short.

I’d also be thinking about what you’d rather spend the time doing. It’s easier to book some alternative holidays and time together than to have it be all about her house.

Would it work for you and possibly DC to go off and see some more of the country for some of the visit while leaving DH with MIL?

I would try to break it up. Sounds like you like your MIL, just not her house, so how about trying to spend a few days in the middle somewhere else? You could all so somewhere touristy for a weekend in the middle, which will help restore your sanity.

As someone whose dc don't have lovely grandparents relatively handy, I wouldn't underestimate the value of that. As someone who is now getting closer to having her dc come to visit, hopefully eventually with partners and children, I am very aware that making my home a comfortable place for them to be is going to massively affect how much of them we will see and am planning accordingly (my current house renovation is all about giving them private independent areas within our house).

Stay elsewhere and go and visit her. A week in someone's home is a big imposition for anyone. Your one year old is going to need space, to crawl and run and play; and it doesn't sound like she'll have safe space there.

Just make the change next time - book a hotel nearby, let MIL know you'll be staying at X on these dates and can't wait to see her. It'll become standard.

I love my MIL and her house is fine but I wouldn't want to stay there for longer than a week. I wouldn't want to stay with anyone for longer than a week to be honest!

I would stay elsewhere if I were not comfortable saying in a particular house. 🤷‍♀️

Let him go on his own. Or stay in a hotel.

If you pack in packing cubes you don’t need to unpack. I think it would be a pity to upset such a good MiL/GM.

you Don’t have to ask. ‘Dh, I’m happy to visit your mum, I love your mum and she’s the best grandma we could ask for. I’m not really happy staying in her house, it’s so crammed and we can’t fit our things, I know shes your mum and you don’t notice, but it makes me miserable. I have decided I’m not staying again for longer than a week each time. We can book somewhere else and have some space and clear floors and put our clothes away and still see her.

I feel your pain OP - my MIL is exactly the same. Her house is filled to the brim with clutter, there’s no space to put down a cup of tea, let alone unpack. We have no kids, but I’ve made it clear that if we ever do they won’t be going to her house until it’s tidy and deep cleaned - a baby crawling on that carpet amongst the mess is a hard no from me. I think the main point here isn’t how long you stay, but that she needs to sort her house out and make it a more welcoming space.

YANBU at all, and your DH needs to have a frank conversation with his mum. My DP also accepts the chaos (no idea how!!), but he now understands how strongly I feel so has begun encouraging her to make changes. It’s a long road, but stand your ground - you are 100% in the right here, IMO.

Honestly, if she’s a great MIL I’d let as much go as humanly possible. A great MIL is a treasure tbh.

I feel for you. It sounds like she has a hoarding problem. We have a lovely friend who suffers from this
It's impossible to stay with her.

There are good resources online which helped us understand why she was like this and helps us keep our patience with her.

Your husband may have lived with it so long he can't see it.