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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

50/50 holiday split

27 replies

verbenaribena · 19/12/2023 10:32

ExH and I have 2 DC aged 12 and 11.

ExH moved to another country with his now wife when we divorced. We divorced nearly a decade ago now. I'm remarried with more DC.

ExH has always insisted we do 50/50 in school holidays. It's caused problems over the years but I'm used to it now.

Every year regarding the summer we have the same row and it occurs around this time of year when I am booing my annual leave for the upcoming year (NHS). ExH doesn't work (huge inheritance some time ago) and therefore spends most of his time on holidays.

Summer holidays are generally last week of July and then back to school in first week of September. Due to the logistics of travelling between countries I have always thought it best to do either the first 3 weeks or the last 3. ExH however always fights it and it's grinding me down.

2024 he's booked flights for the kids and him to his country from 2nd to 25th August. He did it last year too. He says he's on hokiday himself before that so can't do week 1 of the holidays. So yet again I get the kids the first week of the holidays when they're tired and over excited about no school, then I get the last couple of weeks when they return from their dad knackered and moody that school is coming back up.

AIBU to say no, we do weeks 1-3 or 4-6?

It just feels like ExH is cherry picking to suit himself.

OP posts:
SuspiciousSue · 19/12/2023 10:38

They’re his kids too. How tired do they really get during those weeks?

Backtoreality1 · 19/12/2023 10:42

Totally agree - put your foot down - if he wants 50/50 then its either first three weeks or last three weeks.

Granthams · 19/12/2023 10:44

I think you’re being a bit petty, does it really matter? It’s probably easier for you to take two chunks off work than three weeks at a time anyway?

StrawberryWater · 19/12/2023 11:08

He shouldn’t be able to dictate terms all the time.

He should at least learn to alternate between what he wants and what you want.

justjuggling · 19/12/2023 12:28

1-3 and 4-6 sounds simpler to arrange and is what I’d prefer in your shoes.

Whatineed · 19/12/2023 12:31

So he only sees them got half the school holidays and that's it? You do the other 40 odd weeks of parenting?

ElevenSeven · 19/12/2023 12:33

Dunno, this seems quite petty, tbh.

Original poster
verbenaribena · 19/12/2023 12:46

Whatineed · 19/12/2023 12:31

So he only sees them got half the school holidays and that's it? You do the other 40 odd weeks of parenting?

Correct. He does half of all holidays but as the kids are getting older they don't want to travel so much.

OP posts:
Letsbe · 19/12/2023 22:05

He has these weeks this year you have them next and so on

Saymyname28 · 19/12/2023 22:14

You should be alternating each year what works best for either of you.

Namerequired · 19/12/2023 22:20

You do the full time care, who is he to just dictate to you? He should be falling over himself to compromise.

TizerorFizz · 19/12/2023 22:34

If you have DC at Christmas, I’d probably concede he gets choice in the summer. He doesn’t see them much and it’s your privilege to bring them up as you wish. It’s hardly a chore and why argue over dc like this? Seems petty and they should be encouraged to see their dad. I’d just make sure they will get financial help from him when they need it. Far more important than flying dates!

Theunamedcat · 19/12/2023 22:58

Is he collecting or relying on you to facilitate? I would be tempted to wear them out before he has them so be gets the cranky attitude but tbh they might not want to travel for many more years so pick your battles I suppose

Whatineed · 20/12/2023 00:46

verbenaribena · 19/12/2023 12:46

Correct. He does half of all holidays but as the kids are getting older they don't want to travel so much.

Show quote history

So he has weeks and weeks to take his own private holidays, not expect you to plan your lives around his travel diary.

Your family priorities should come first.

WhichOneGoes · 20/12/2023 01:02

"So yet again I get the kids the first week of the holidays when they're tired and over excited about no school, then I get the last couple of weeks when they return from their dad knackered and moody that school is coming back up"

I honestly don't see the issue. They aren't little kids. Are there other reasons this is a problem?

TizerorFizz · 20/12/2023 07:56

There should be a priority that the dc see their father!

CruCru · 20/12/2023 12:11

So, your ex has just gone ahead and booked flights for 2024 without checking it’s okay with you? What if you really couldn’t get holiday that makes that work?

HyperPromiscuousChildlessEtcEtc · 20/12/2023 12:13

DH and I split his children with the ex 1-3 & 4-6. It’s just easier if anyone wants to to a 10 day holiday or something in that time, and you get some R&R either side.

Usually DH and his ex have a discussion around January to see if anyone has anything pressing on in the holidays, but generally it’s the same 3 weeks.

Better for kids as less moving around, easier for adults as less handovers.

You are absolutely not BU to request whatever works best for you as well as the kids.

HyperPromiscuousChildlessEtcEtc · 20/12/2023 12:14

(And DH has shared custody 50-50).

gotomomo · 20/12/2023 13:24

Can't really see the issue except him not asking. I suspect they wouldn't want to travel the first week either

FlapSnacks · 21/12/2023 17:08

I am in a very similar position to you and I totally get where you’re coming from and agree with you. That’s not ok to leave you with the bookends of the holidays. I agrre with you that needs to be decided the year In Advance a split so then can both plan around the time and then he can book his holidays around it.

i usually always have the second half of summer and even this is frustrating as they’ve seen it all done it all and want to just chill at home then . But with your context you could absolutely say next summer I would like first 3 weeks and he can have last 3 weeks etc

FlapSnacks · 21/12/2023 17:13

And I would take some of the replies of “I don’t see the issue” above with a pinch of salt- I think unless you have experienced this type of thing first hand it’s hard to empathise with .. when they go to their dads it’s not just the time they’re away but the prep , the readjustment, the grief at him leaving again , the packing all works possessions , fatigue from travel and likely different routines and rules when with him et etc

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 21/12/2023 21:32

I’d get on it and tell him you’ve already booked your family holiday and they won’t be back in the UK until x.

You are totally not being unreasonable and if he’s minted he can suck up the cost of rearranging stuff and learn a lesson about consultation.

Hankunamatata · 21/12/2023 21:55

Alternate each year. His choice this time, your choice next time

TeaAndBrie · 21/12/2023 21:59

I totally hear you and I get it, my ex is always the same. My life revolves around my daughter, his daughter revolves around his life.

it’s exhausting