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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I can’t stand the in laws

21 replies

Mummytobr · 19/12/2023 07:37

Every time my toddler mentions them I get filled with anxiety.

They don’t call and ask how he is - they’ve never done it. We live 5 minutes away. They don’t visit him, if they do it’s at meal times or bed time and it’s for 10 minutes. They barely say hello to him but they treat the other 4 grandchildren differently.

I resent them now and I think they’ve picked up on this - I am still civil. I just get filled with anxiety every time we visit or every time my toddler mentions them because I feel like he doesn’t even know them and they don’t deserve him being interested in them. My husband is desperate for them to have a better relationship and has mentioned it before but nothing changes.

Will my toddler realise this one day?

OP posts:

WhatNoRaisins · 19/12/2023 07:40

It's anyone's guess as to how the relationship between them and your DC will pan out long term. I think your DH needs to take the lead with his parents and you need to take a step back.

Allfur · 19/12/2023 07:42

A better relationship needs to come from all sides, saying you can't stand your partner's parents is a bit ott - none of us are perfect, try to embrace their flaws more

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 19/12/2023 07:43

You cannot force them to behave how you or your dh wants them too.
ALL you can do is control your owners reactions.
They won't it seems take more interest so you have to accept that.

IamnotSethRogan · 19/12/2023 07:45

Your post doesn't male loads of sense. You say your toddler doesn't know who they are but he asks after them. They never stop by but they do.

Are the other grandchildren older ? Maybe they just find toddlers a bit tricky amd the relationship with develop as your child.gets older.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 19/12/2023 07:46

I can relate, having had a FIL who made more effort with distant child relatives than his own grandson - his loss though, and DS is an amazing human so he really is missing out.

Ellie1015 · 19/12/2023 07:48

They dont visit or they visit at meal/bedtimes? Can't both be true?

Do you, Dh and ds visit them?

Iwantmyoldnameback · 19/12/2023 07:49

Why do people choose to live so close to family members they claim to dislike? It's beyond me.

underneaththeash · 19/12/2023 07:49

Does your DH call them, do they realise it's a bad time. Do you/he invite them round at other times?
.

PricklePop · 19/12/2023 07:53

Anxiety is a strange reaction. Why do you feel anxious?

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 19/12/2023 07:54

Iwantmyoldnameback · 19/12/2023 07:49

Why do people choose to live so close to family members they claim to dislike? It's beyond me.

Ours lives in the same town but has gradually got closer by moving.

user1471556818 · 19/12/2023 07:55

Remember that 1 day you will be the MIL . Try and cover your anxiety as your son will pick up on this , he's asking about them so they have a relationship. Encourage your dh ,ds visit them without you .
The common ground you have is they raised a good man who you have chosen .

Draconis · 19/12/2023 07:58

In a situation like this, it's best to accept it for what it is. They're not interested and you won't make them be interested.
You will never change them and trying to will just leave you and your dh miserable.

I'd just carry on being civil to them, invite them to birthdays or celebrations and do no more than that. Sometimes people change when you withdraw as they like thinking they have the control.

It's more important that you protect yourselves from hurt so don't have any expectations.

Luxell934 · 19/12/2023 08:00

They don’t visit him, except they do visit him but at unfortunately the wrong time i.e meal times.

Your toddler doesn’t even know them, except he does because he talks about them which gives you “anxiety”.

Weird.

Original poster

Mummytobr · 19/12/2023 08:05

Sorry for the confusion I was rushing while typing this.

They do visit - around once a month and it’s for around 10 minutes (sometimes even less) and it’s as if they always make sure it’ll be at dinner time or bed time.

I say my toddler doesn’t know them - he does know them. But when we visit he is extremely shy and won’t chat to them or really interact with them - and they don’t try either. They know nothing about him and vice versa. My husband always mentions them which is why in turn my toddler mentions them too.

OP posts:

user1492757084 · 19/12/2023 08:07

Be civil and be open to the relationship changing to be more positive. If they are great with the other grandchildren then there is hope.
Your husband and you should invite his parents over for a visit at times that best suit you. Every fortnight, for example, ask them over for tea and to walk to the playgound with child.

Politely say NO to a visit when it is unsuitable.
Visit them regularly (once a month) - at a time that suits them and you.

Be more pro-active in the relationship.

MaryMary6589 · 19/12/2023 08:09

I could have written this, the anxiety I feel is horrendous but some of the things they said to me and did during the first six months of my child's life will stay with me forever.

I leave DH to deal with the relationship with his parents, just as I organise things with my family. I never force DH to spend time with my family, so when he does he does it by choice and enjoys it. We're trying to get there with the other side now. I'm no longer forced to spend entire days with them and only have to see them briefly at a time and his mum is no longer allowed to corner me alone so she can insult me. It's helped with the anxiety.

DH had a talk with his mum about the things she'd said and done to me. Whilst it hasn't changed her behaviour and she's never apologised, it did do wonders for my relationship with DH as I know he's got my back.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 19/12/2023 08:10

One way around the problems would be for DH to plan visits to them which would likely stop the inconvenient unplanned arrivals.

Namenamchange · 19/12/2023 08:13

Maybe they pick up on the vibes that you don’t like them, maybe they are arseholes.
Try to think about what you want from them , what would a good relationship with them look like and have a chat with dh.

Charlie2121 · 19/12/2023 08:21

We have this exact same situation. There was a huge row about the naming of our DC and as a result my DH hasn’t so much as seen or spoken with my father since I first told them I was pregnant about 3 years ago.

My father bankrolled his other grandchild and as a result dictated everything from his name to which house they should buy.

We are financially secure so don’t need his funding. This lack of dependency is a major issue for him as he can’t control us. My DH has no desire to ever see him again.

Working around this is no major hassle. We’re a very happy little family. I do realise that my DC will eventually realise that his father and grandfather are not in contact with each other however by then he’ll be used to our routines so it won’t seem that strange to him.

TheSuggestedAmendment · 19/12/2023 08:25

They do visit - around once a month and it’s for around 10 minutes (sometimes even less) and it’s as if they always make sure it’ll be at dinner time or bed time.

OP, are you inviting them at the right times? Are you saying when would be good and maybe even ‘would you like to stay for lunch’?

And you must KNOW they are not deliberately trying to be difficult? Why are you implying that they are?

I think you are chiefly the cause of your own anxiety and the reason your son is shy with them. You need a grown up attitude and a commitment to make family relationships work better.

Patry · 20/12/2023 01:46

Of course he will. Just let him realise it and worry less

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