The friend I always support is ignoring me.

[Chocolateorangeinmysoul]

My friend of 30 years isn’t responding to me, because I told her I was struggling with the news that my dad’s cancer was terminal.

Backstory- I’m very self-contained and too independent, so I don’t normally share when I’m having a tough time. She acknowledges this in a jokey kind of way, because she’s the opposite, gloriously open and great at asking for advice. We’ve spent hours at a time going through situations, solutions and follow-ups for her life events, so I know I’ve been supportive.

I gave her the news about my dad three weeks ago, while we were arranging our next meet up. She had told me that she’d check her diary and let me know dates to meet up and that she was sorry. Since then, silence, despite a few texts from me and a couple of calls she hasn’t picked up. Usually, we’re texting every couple of days and call once a week.

AIBU for feeling so hurt and pissed off that she’s basically ignoring me now that I’ve said I’m struggling? It feels like she’s not interested because I can’t devote all my time to her.

Drop the rope. She sounds like a self absorbed twat who is only friends when it suits her needs.

Of course you're hurt - her behaviour is really shitty.

Stop contact and see what happens. Have a serious think about this "friendship" and whether it can continue.

She’s an emotional leech who only takes and never gives.

Shes not your friend.

Stop chasing after her.

Likely you won’t hear from her again until way after your poor old dads funeral and she’ll just want to carry on as before and she’ll never address her behaviour.

What a horrible situation, I'm sorry you're going through this. Save your energy and emotions for your dad. Your friend has shown you who she is, and it's not nice. Remember this when she needs you again.

I had a "friend" like this. Would call me often, at 3am, drunk and slurring and tell me all of her problems (which were 99% self-created). She would constantly tell me everything about her drama, but when I asked her for some support she disappeared.

I decided to cut her out of my life, and whilst it hurt initially, I soon realised that it wasn't a friendship, it was very toxic and I felt so much better for doing it.

I’m sorry to hear about your dad’s diagnosis, OP.

I do think you need to take responsibility for some of this dynamic, though. If the usual tenor of your friendship is that you’re the advisor/supporter without apparent needs of her own and she’s the support-seeker, you’ve just completely rewritten the usual unspoken rules.

You may feel that she ‘owes’ you now because of all the support you’ve given her in the past, but in my experience, friendships that have this kind of one-sided dynamic only last for 30 years when both people benefit from the supporter/ support-seeking ‘script’.

Obviously, in an ideal world she would be more flexible and self-aware and be able to give you what you need now, but it sounds as if you’d be better off seeking support from other friends, and not seek it from someone who isn’t able to give it, for whatever reason. Decide later on what you want to do longterm about this friendship.

What an awfully sad time you are having, just when you need support from good friends too. I am sorry.
I’m afraid your friend is one of life’s takers, just a fair weather friend.
You now have her measure as she has shown her true colours.
Either accept her for what she is or invest your time in other friends who are more able to share in a reciprocal friendship.

Wow, that’s shocking op. I’m so sorry to hear your news about your father. I hope you can find someone who will take the time to listen to you and provide some support.

Your friend doesn’t actually sound like much of a friend to be honest. Even if she’s totally crap at giving support, the least she could do is acknowledge that fact by telling you something along the lines of “I’m really sorry I can’t support you as you have done me, I’m just not very good at coping with this sort of thing, but I’m really thinking about you and wish I could do more”. Total radio silence is utterly shit. I have a “friend” like this. She’s been relegated to more of a necessary acquaintance now, after a similar situation. Somehow the death of one of my family members became all about her and her grief when I told her the news! Once you have their selfishness highlighted to you, you look back at a lot of other stuff and realise they are only really bothered about themselves, never anyone else, unless it suits them somehow.

Sending a not very mumsnet hug op 💐

Agree that she is an emotional leech. She is NOT your friend. No friend would do this. I'm so sorry about your Dad. Look after yourself.

Thank you, everyone. I do have other friends who have rallied round and are checking in with me, so I'm not dealing with this on my own.

I've known this friend since school, and we definitely fell into our 'roles' early on. @KnittedPond yes, I have always preferred to be the helper. I just didn't expect this much of a change in her, when I told her the news.

I'm sorry that you got the news you did about your dad.

If you are friends as long as you have been, would you be able to tell her how her silence on hearing this news was a shock to you, that you were expecting something along the lines of the support that you have given to her over the years and this was very saddening to you that a friend of such a long time has behaved? Or something. You don't have to be bitchy but just explain that you feel a bit let down.