Should i feel annoyed or not? And what do i do now?

Watermelonbonnie · 2023-12-18T21:28:44+00:00

I got pregnant to a man who was less than supportive. He abandoned me the minute he found out. Throughout my pregnancy i hoped that when our child arrived he would be there. However he has never met our child. His mum was not aware of my pregnancy, when the baby was born i alerted her. She came to meet the baby (now 1), and has kept in touch weekly and routinely visited. We get on well. Her husband (father of babys father) has never shown an interest in the baby because of the way his son has handled it all. The last couple of weeks she stopped replying, then last week contacted me to say she is backing off, because it is causing a rift. I feel absolutely awful about the whole thing. Im hurting for her but i am also hurt for my child. Where do i go from here. Am inbeing unreasonable for being annoyed at the whole thing? I dont know how to manage it all. I dont want to fight, but at the same time im cross and hurt.

Sapphire387 · 18/12/2023 21:30

There isn't anything you can do, awful as that is.

Remember - the biggest losers here are them. Particularly the sperm donor who couldn't step up to be a dad. They don't want a relationship with your wonderful child? What idiots.

DustyLee123 · 18/12/2023 21:30

I’d just message her and tell her that you’re happy for her to see the little one in the future. Keep the option open.

Lavender14 · 18/12/2023 21:35

That's so sad op, no wonder you're feeling hurt. You know how incredible your child is. They will be the ones to lose out on a relationship with her. The blame here lies with her father who is stopping his mum from being involved as she wants to be. Awful behaviour on his part.

Though to be very honest op, if they can act this way your wee one is maybe better off without them in her life. I'd tell the granny that you'll keep the door open for future but I wouldn't forget this and I'd be cautious going forwards. At 1 dd won't know any different but as she gets older she'll notice comings and goings in relationships and if they want to be involved they need to be dependable for her.

Calamitousness · 18/12/2023 21:36

Well, yes I think yabu. The father was clear with you. Why you thought he’d change is solely in your head and not based in any fact. I wonder why you told his mother about your child. That’s up to him surely. So having done that and she wanted to know your child she’s changed her mind because it’s causing issues. Well no surprise there. That’s her choice. You can only control your actions and feelings. Why are you trying to force this other family to include you/your child? Why do you need them to be involved? At this point it’s not about your child. They’ll be happy with who loves them. If that’s you and only you, that’s ok. As they get older they might wish to pursue a relationship with their father and his family. Or they may not. Their choice. You are being very unreasonable.

Shoxfordian · 18/12/2023 21:51

I'd block her and move on without any of them

gnarlynarwhal · 18/12/2023 21:54

How horrid. So your ex wants to pretend his child doesn’t exist and is now emotionally blackmailing his mum to go along with it. I hope he’s paying child maintenance.

TheOccupier · 18/12/2023 22:11

So sad but she has clearly felt she had to choose between her son and her grandchild, and she's chosen her own child. Maybe as a mum you can try to understand. Your little one won't be upset and won't remember her if they're only a year old - it's better that she walks away now if that's what she wants to do.

Bluevelvetsofa · 18/12/2023 22:16

It sounds as though his mother wants a relationship with her grandchild, but it’s causing issues with her husband and son. She might be conflicted, but ultimately will probably choose the husband and son.

kimchio · 18/12/2023 22:20

I'd cut her some slack it's not going to have been an easy decision for her at all and she is not responsible for her sons actions

WeHaveChocIcesInTheFreezer · 18/12/2023 22:29

Calamitousness · 18/12/2023 21:36

Well, yes I think yabu. The father was clear with you. Why you thought he’d change is solely in your head and not based in any fact. I wonder why you told his mother about your child. That’s up to him surely. So having done that and she wanted to know your child she’s changed her mind because it’s causing issues. Well no surprise there. That’s her choice. You can only control your actions and feelings. Why are you trying to force this other family to include you/your child? Why do you need them to be involved? At this point it’s not about your child. They’ll be happy with who loves them. If that’s you and only you, that’s ok. As they get older they might wish to pursue a relationship with their father and his family. Or they may not. Their choice. You are being very unreasonable.

Wow. Why do people comment just to be horrible?

OP- YANBU to want the father to show some interest (sadly his prerogative and his loss he chose not to), or for letting someone know they have a grandchild they may (likely) would not have known about otherwise.

Lavender14 · 18/12/2023 22:31

Calamitousness · 18/12/2023 21:36

Well, yes I think yabu. The father was clear with you. Why you thought he’d change is solely in your head and not based in any fact. I wonder why you told his mother about your child. That’s up to him surely. So having done that and she wanted to know your child she’s changed her mind because it’s causing issues. Well no surprise there. That’s her choice. You can only control your actions and feelings. Why are you trying to force this other family to include you/your child? Why do you need them to be involved? At this point it’s not about your child. They’ll be happy with who loves them. If that’s you and only you, that’s ok. As they get older they might wish to pursue a relationship with their father and his family. Or they may not. Their choice. You are being very unreasonable.

@Calamitousness If you had a grandchild would you not want the option to decide if you want to be in their life? He might have decided not to be an active father- that's his (shitty) call to make. But does that mean his family suddenly have no autonomy and can't make a decision for themselves?

WantToChangeUsername · 18/12/2023 22:32

DustyLee123 · 18/12/2023 21:30

I’d just message her and tell her that you’re happy for her to see the little one in the future. Keep the option open.

This is what I would suggest too. Seems like she does want a relationship with her grandchild but with the complexities of it all, has had to back down for now.

muggart · 18/12/2023 23:19

How sad. I agree with messaging her saying that the door is always open and that you hope she reconsiders, and screenshot that message and keep it so you can prove to your DD later in life that you did what you could to keep her family involved.

flowerchild2000 · 18/12/2023 23:26

I could have written this, except the GP refused to see my DD from the beginning. He lied to them to keep them away. I can't understand why he would do that- like purposefully making sure his daughter has no family. If he wanted to stay away fine, but lie and create negativity where there is none and for what? He tried to keep anyone from finding out actually. I refuse to live like that and made sure it was known he's the dad and a deadbeat one at that. I got a Christmas card and printed out photos of DD to send to the GP so they know they are missing out and hopefully feel like shit about it. I would never do this to anyone. Honestly if they are so easy to turn their back on an innocent child they are not worth another thought.

Calamitousness · 18/12/2023 23:26

@Lavender14 honestly. No. I think that’s up to the parent ( of either side) to involve their family or not. Grandparents don’t have rights. It feels like you were involving his family as a way of either punishing him or wanting to make him be involved. Perhaps not and you wanted people you didn’t know to be involved with your child. I know I wouldn’t but we are all different. I would worry about their values being vastly different from mine etc. Each to their own.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 18/12/2023 23:31

Calamitousness · 18/12/2023 21:36

Well, yes I think yabu. The father was clear with you. Why you thought he’d change is solely in your head and not based in any fact. I wonder why you told his mother about your child. That’s up to him surely. So having done that and she wanted to know your child she’s changed her mind because it’s causing issues. Well no surprise there. That’s her choice. You can only control your actions and feelings. Why are you trying to force this other family to include you/your child? Why do you need them to be involved? At this point it’s not about your child. They’ll be happy with who loves them. If that’s you and only you, that’s ok. As they get older they might wish to pursue a relationship with their father and his family. Or they may not. Their choice. You are being very unreasonable.

WTF? Are you the ex?

Densol57 · 18/12/2023 23:37

Calamitousness · 18/12/2023 23:26

@Lavender14 honestly. No. I think that’s up to the parent ( of either side) to involve their family or not. Grandparents don’t have rights. It feels like you were involving his family as a way of either punishing him or wanting to make him be involved. Perhaps not and you wanted people you didn’t know to be involved with your child. I know I wouldn’t but we are all different. I would worry about their values being vastly different from mine etc. Each to their own.

Wow ! What an absolute weirdo approach to life you have. Vile.

OP - there are obviously family dynamics stopping this lady seeing her grandchild.

Just make sure the bastard is paying CMS.