Is this anxiety? Or something else?

[WaitInTheCar]

I have always been a worrier, and had a bit of a chaotic childhood with a decent sprinkling of trauma thrown in (although I’m sure it would surprise people to know that, as we presented as a normal, respectable family).

My mental health dipped during Lockdown, and I was prescribed antidepressants, but didn’t complete the course as I was worried about becoming dependent on them. Never took up my GP’s offer of CBT which I regret.

Recently I took on a new job and I have noticed my brain seems to be at war with me, for want of a better expression. I constantly feel stupid, useless, like I don’t know what I’m doing, and that management no doubt regret hiring me.
If something goes wrong, it absolutely blows up in my head. I’ll convince myself that I’m going to get into serious trouble, I’ll be sacked, won’t get a reference for another job. It affects my guts as I’m constantly churned up, have headaches, grind my teeth, have trouble sleeping, and my dreams are all about how I’m late for something or in trouble for something.

I’m beyond exhausted and fucking sick of feeling this way. Today something happened at work and I am replaying it and replaying it from every angle, trying to decide if I’m going to be hauled into the office tomorrow to explain myself. In reality it is a minor thing, but my brain will not stop torturing me about it. In a sick way, I wonder if I’m almost enjoying it? Like, if I’m worrying about this, at least I’m not waiting for the next thing to worry about?

I’m not paid anywhere near enough to be sat here thinking about work, sick to my stomach about going in tomorrow. But if I quit, I’m not contributing financially to the household and I feel guilty that all the bills will fall to DH.

What the hell is wrong with me? Has anyone else experienced this and can offer any wise words? I do think I probably need to call the GP again.

I feel you. I'm like this and it's exhausting. Like you, I've always had a tendancy to over analyse, but it's got a lot worse with menopause. How old are you? I'm afraid I don't have any solution, but you're not alone!

I've recently become quite drastically more like this. I had wondered if it was perimenopause but I'm pretty young and no other symptoms that would fit.
I've always been on the anxious side but also self-aware and practical. It's like it's reached a bit of a next level.

Im exactly like this too. Have tried CBT, talking therapy, HRT, setraline...still feel the same.

And i keep reading on mn about how people my age(50s) now dont have any fucks to give....im the opposite

If I was you I'd do two things. First, order 'The body keeps the score' to read/listen to. Secondly, follow The Holistic Psychologist on Instagram.

Everything you are reporting is textbook for unresolved childhood trauma and you aren't the only one, there are a cohort of us out there it's shit innit? I feel like this but now I can identify trauma responses and understand it. I've studied the shit out of it. That, EMDR and walking up mountains has saved me.

This is most definitely anxiety, and a worrier always needs something to worry about, which at this point it is your new job…. It sounds as though it is getting a bit out of hand though, definitely book a GP appointment, talk through ALL of your options, it may be CBT, medication or something else.
Also look on MIND uk and Silvercloud websites, hopefully some useful info for you there too.
good luck, I understand it’s exhausting, but making even small steps forward will help I promise 😚

Sounds like anxiety to me. Tbh when it becomes like that you need to step back and have a real break before you burn out.

Yes, and moving jobs can be a ‘trigger’. Help is out there!

Huge thanks to everyone who has taken the time to post, share tips, websites, and offer solidarity. I really appreciate it. I’ve had a tearful chat with DH tonight and he’s been very supportive. I am going to call my GP and will also check out the support mentioned on the above posts. Just writing this all down was helpful, but the replies were so kind. Thank you again.