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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not wanting my dad to visit after I have given birth unless he follows my rules

18 replies

Bry8899 · 18/12/2023 19:34

I need some advice I will be 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow and my Dad has been to stay this weekend.

He is a chain smoker and his house smells terrible and everything is a yellow colour from years of nicotine stains.

My husband and I have already discussed that we will never take they baby there. I haven’t told my dad that yet, but we don’t visit enough that I think it will be an issue.

My issue is when he comes to stay with us he and all his clothes stink like cigarettes. We don’t allow him to smoke inside our home but he may as well, as the ambient smell he omits made our whole house smell like an ashtray and he only stayed 2 nights.

He just doesn’t smell it and he really doesn’t care. My dad is a very selfish man and always has been. He split up with my mum when I was very young and has never met anyone else and I think this is becuase of how selfish he is!

How can I address the issue of him visiting and holding the baby! He wants to come and see his grand baby when they arrived but as it stands I just don’t want him to be here.

What I need to ask him to do is

Wash all his clothes when when he arrives
Go and immediately have a shower
Put on new clean clothes that I will have here for him
Only vape when he stays with us and he will need to do it outside

But I know this will go down as well as a led baloon. I have been saying all this for my whole pregnancy to him but it’s not sinking in. He just says “I looked after you when you were a baby so it will be fine”

I don’t know what to do! It just makes me really miserable and stressed when I think about it!

OP posts:

shellyleppard · 18/12/2023 19:38

Sorry op but i don't think he will comply ??? He sounds very set in his ways. Good luck with the little bubba x

Mumoftwo1312 · 18/12/2023 19:38

I've recently been discharged from hospital with my newborn ds and the midwife gave us a lecture about this (just a standard one they do fir everyone) - even though no one we know smokes!

Your list is slightly stricter than the midwife's: her list was:

Smoke outside with coat on, then take off the coat before coming inside.
Wash hands immediately before touching baby

I'd add: don't kiss the baby's face or exhale into the baby's face.

The midwife really emphasised that being around smokers (even if they aren't smoking near the baby) increases the risk of sudden infant death

Eekmystro · 18/12/2023 20:10

You do know what to do op, because you’re doing it. You have set the boundaries already and can continue to make them clear to him. Then chooses what actions he takes. He can ignore them and the consequence will see he doesn’t see the baby or he can follow them and be able to see the baby. All you need to do is follow through with the boundary you put in place.

Only suggestion I would make is maybe- think of some areas where you can compromise for a middle ground- eg if he won’t only vape at your home, maybe he holds the baby when he first arrives and then spends the rest of the time in an air b and b where he can smoke. If he can’t stick to the rules then you can face time him with the baby, meet at a park where he can see the baby outside etc.

SecondUsername4me · 18/12/2023 20:13

Just tell him if he continues to smoke as much as he does, that you can only meet him for outdoor walks as the lingering smoke is bad for baby.

kimchio · 18/12/2023 20:13

I'm so sorry but he's not going to do what you ask. I'd say sorry but zoom calls only it is. I know it sounds extreme but the risk isn't worth it

Lavender14 · 18/12/2023 20:15

The tricky bit here op will be being prepared with what to do if he refuses to respect your wishes. In the midst of hormones and someone with a bullish personality it might be wise to have a response lined up and your partner prepared to step in to back you up. Does your dad live far away? I'd be suggesting he stays nearby and then when he comes to visit you can ask him to wash up and vape for his visits? Would that make things easier on you both?

Catsmere · 18/12/2023 20:17

Why have him visit at all?

User1786 · 18/12/2023 20:19

Just tell him straight and stick to your (very reasonable) boundary’s; if he loves you he will respect your wishes, eventually. My mum was like this and I insisted. I blame her for my asthma as she smoked whilst pregnant and after

2mummies1baby · 18/12/2023 20:22

Stick to your guns, OP. He won't comply, but that's his loss. Your responsibility is to keep your baby safe, which you are doing. Good luck with everything! X

Original poster

Bry8899 · 18/12/2023 21:23

Hi all thank you for your responses, it’s such a difficult situation. I have some more information below.

EDIT- just to answer a couple of questions and give a bit more information. He lives in London about 2 hour train ride from where I live, and he does not drive. It wouldn’t be practical for him to come down just for a day.

he has a disability caused by age and abuse of his body which means he does not work and lives off benefits which I don’t think goes very far. He can not walk far so meeting him for a walk outside wouldn’t be possible.

he couldn’t afford to stay in a hotel or air bnb which is why when he comes to visit he stays with us.

Despite everything he is my Dad and I do love him, we generally get on well! I don’t want to cut him out of my life, but I do want to protect my baby.

OP posts:

lemmein · 19/12/2023 02:08

I'd buy him a vape for Xmas and high nicotine juice for when he visits.

As an ex-smoker I don't think you're being unreasonable. Be firm, your baby, your house, your rules.

TheBeesKnee · 19/12/2023 02:13

I don't think I would have him stay at all. When you become a parent your priority needs to shift to protect your child.

I had visitors in the hospital because there were rules and set hours and it was a "neutral" place. People got their peek at the baby and left and didn't hassle me too much about visiting again too soon.

Alex Drake · 19/12/2023 02:23

As an ex smoker I don't think you're being unreasonable either and I would definitely have him smoke outside in an overcoat he could put away, wash hands and brush teeth before holding baby etc...

But I must say too, that I smoked when I had a newborn...I gave up when I was pregnant. And I hate myself for it now, but once I'd given birth I was straight back on it. I NEVER smoked around baby, used to wear an ever coat with hood up, furtively had a few puffs whenever a visitor was holding my baby, washed my hands and face when I got back in the house etc. was crazy! So much an easier life when I gave up!

Just telling you this to let you see how difficult it is for a smoker to actually give it up. That being said, my parents actually gave up when their first GC came along (my Brothers) but that was because the GC had to stay in their house and they lived in a flat so no garden.

flowerchild2000 · 19/12/2023 02:30

I think hand washing and changing into a new set of clothes is enough. Just say your doctor insisted on it and you're only following orders. Don't go too OTT, third hand smoke is harmful but if it's not prolonged exposure it will be just fine. Car exhaust and gas ovens for example are far more harmful and we breathe that junk in constantly. Not minimizing you at all, just reminding to relax a tiny amount but stick to your rules.

lamppost123 · 19/12/2023 02:59

Mumoftwo1312 · 18/12/2023 19:38

I've recently been discharged from hospital with my newborn ds and the midwife gave us a lecture about this (just a standard one they do fir everyone) - even though no one we know smokes!

Your list is slightly stricter than the midwife's: her list was:

Smoke outside with coat on, then take off the coat before coming inside.
Wash hands immediately before touching baby

I'd add: don't kiss the baby's face or exhale into the baby's face.

The midwife really emphasised that being around smokers (even if they aren't smoking near the baby) increases the risk of sudden infant death

Yep.

Parents who smoke aren't allowed to share a room with the baby when sleeping.

Leave 30 minutes after smoking before touching baby.

BringItOnxxx · 19/12/2023 03:11

Can you pay for a hotel for him? Buy him 'loungewear' for when he visits?

lamppost123 · 19/12/2023 03:14

When you give birth you will become so protective of your baby. My mum smokes and I'm so worried about baby sharing a room with her, because they put the fear of god in you when you are at the hospital.

If you are a smoke you aren't allowed (recommended) to share a bedroom with your baby.

Absolutely don't make plans for him to come on a set date. You will need to settle in with baby. He will need to stay elsewhere. My mum doesn't stink the place out, can't imagine how heavy your dad smokes, I bet indoors and he's not willing to change for you.

My mum stopped smoking when pregnant but she still smoked in the house. She shared a room with us. However we all know smoking is bad and now she does it outside and any young person who smokes is a loser. Remember the "non smoking" sections in restaurants. Well I recently went to Switzerland whereby they smoke inside and it's grim. Same with Serbia.

Prepared to lose your dad over this.

ttcat37 · 19/12/2023 04:03

You need to choose between the discomfort of saying no to your dad and the safety of your baby. It is a case of “are you going to do what I’ve asked, yes or no?” And if it’s not a yes then he can’t come.

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