To be annoyed at this behaviour? Birthday party related

[INeedCharcoalPants]

DD had her 8th birthday party on Saturday, 12 people invited altogether. One person, a girl from DD’s class, still wasn’t there around the party start time. One of the other party attendees told me that this girl is always late to things so I thought “ok, let’s just get started and she can catch us up later”. It wasn’t until closer to the end of the party I realised she still wasn’t there – I ended up caught up with various things and forgot about it. Fair enough, sometimes things happen and plans change but I did wonder after why the mum had sent no message.

At school today DD asked the girl why she didn’t make it and her response was “I didn’t want to go”, said with a shrug and she then walked off. I was a bit annoyed at this when DD told me – between the venue charge per person and making up a party bag for her, I was out of pocket by £24. DD has told me of a couple of incidents with this girl being a bit nasty to her in the past but she wanted to invite her as they seemed to be getting along a bit better however, I’m tempted to say to DD not to bother asking this girl to anything else again, as I think her behaviour, and that of the parent enabling it, was just rude? Make up a bullshit excuse and text me, fair enough, but no message at all I felt was crappy behaviour.

YANBU, it was really rude to not even drop you a message. You'll know for next time!

Yea I'd be annoyed too op. I'd not invite her to anything again. It takes two seconds for her mother to drop you a message just to let you know in advance. I hope your daughter had a lovely birthday 🎉

The girl is 8, don't pay any heed to what she says.

The parents could have any type of shit going on, or they could be arses.

Let it go, what difference does it make now? Don't invite them next time, but don't slag off an 8yo to your DD.

Ah it happens, there wasn't really anything you could have done if the mother had text half way through the party. I have had it both sides over the years, kids not turning up or mine clinging onto door frames not wanting to go. It's a chance we take.

It's a bit crappy, but I wouldn't hold a lifelong grudge against this child whereby she's not invited to anything ever again. If she goes to secondary school with your daughter they could know each other for another ten years.

I also think it's something a child might say if they were covering up a more embarrassing reason i.e. they'd been prevented from going as a punishment or they'd been a family crisis of some kind.

Yeah I wouldn't invite her again, no reason for the parent not to of messaged to let you know.

Honestly, let it go. You don't know the real reason the girl didn't make it, and it could very well be because of issues at home. The money spent would be gone whether she attended or not. It just doesn't matter.

'Mum was drunk and couldn't bring me'' ''Mum and Dad were arguing and Dad stormed off taking the car keys'' ''Mum said I was a little swearword and refused to bring me'' ''My parents couldn't afford to bring a present''. If the child is consistently late something may be going on at home. There may be more to this. Maybe give them the party bag if you still have it. The fact that the parents didn't even text you speaks volumes. I wouldn't blame the child.

You can't go on the word of an eight-year-old. For all you know her parents couldn't be arsed to take her and she's just trying to save face in front of your DD. Be annoyed with them for not bothering to let you know she couldn't make it, not her.

Thanks for the replies. I'll admit I'm BU about the girl, my judgement is maybe clouded due to her past behaviour towards DD. However, if we do a party for DD outside the house and which has a cost per head attached I'll still try and steer DD away from inviting her due to her unreliability.

So despite what everybody has said you are still going to blame an 8 year old and ensure she is left out.

On balance it is very unlikely that this or any other lateness is anything to do with her at all, she can’t control what time she is dropped off or indeed if she is dropped off. If it were her pulling a strop and refusing to go, I feel sure the parent would have contacted you with some excuse.

Definitely don’t invite her again, even if it’s free.

I honestly don’t think parents should get this emotionally invested in their child’s friendships where they move to let’s punish the child. Yes one of the parents (not just the mum, what’s that about) could have texted, but I guess by that point you already knew they weren’t there.

I probably sound old fashioned but I really don't get this modern trend you see where parents ask their children if they feel like keeping their commitments or not. When I was a child parents made you do these things as they saw it as their responsibility to teach their kids good manners.

Well yes, I'm not going to invite an unreliable child (or a child with unreliable parents) to something that comes with a cost, just to be a nice person am I? If DDs next party is at home or whatever, then that's a different story.

@Jf20 the mum is the only parent I've met and had contact with, I wouldn't be able to pick the dad out of a line-up tbh.

She’s 8 for gods sake, it’s a child’s birthday party. If you choose to throw a party that costs you money then you take the risk of inviting people that may or not turn up. Stuff happens that’s out of peoples control; plans change and your 8 year olds birthday party isn’t the social event of the year. Parent should have text ideally but shit happens.

She was rude. But try not to see it as being out of pocket - the £24 was a sunk cost, you'd spent it whether the girl turned up or not.

By the time you get to 9th birthday parties, it's normally smaller groups of friends so you can edit out unreliable people without fear of whataboutery excuses.

Funny how the two people who messed around with DS's parties were both people that never invited him to one. One turned up without responding so I had to pay up extra on the door. Annoyingly he'd got a lift from someone else too so there was no chance to express my surprise at his attendance, and another flip-flopped around until the day of the party.

Why should OP spend yet more money on inviting a brat who told her daughter she didn’t want to come?

Honestly so many MNers want OPs to raise doormats.

Thanks for the newer replies. At school pick up time yesterday the mum was there but she wouldn't even make eye contact with me, despite us standing in the same group. Anyway, it's done now and DD had a lovely birthday which is the main thing.

Apple doesn't fall far from the trees, it seems.

Definitely don't invite the brat again, OP.

Perhaps the girl’s absence was not under her own control? I agree with a PP that if my DC pulled a strop I would be sure to make up an excuse and text you (or more likely ‘reason’ them into attending).

If parents were fighting or Mum was on a bender, she was surely too embarrassed to look at you. Sadly the girl may know all too well how to cover up.