To expect to have my child's birthday celebrations at our own home

[Pamdemella19]

Its my child's birthday around the Christmas season and my brother and his wife will be travelling 2 hours to visit (mainly for Christmas to our parents) As my child's birthday (turning 5) is so close to Christmas I've opted this year just to have a birthday celebration at home and a little outing to a soft play. While I haven't discussed plans really to any extent with any family member (because they haven't asked) my own mother has taken it upon herself to make arrangements and invite brother and wife and fitting timings around their arrival and everyone's plans for the day. Although that isn't unreasonable, I haven't been consulted in any of this. She has then gone on to state after soft play we will all be going to her house for food and birthday celebrations. This isn't really how I would like the day to go so when I mentioned, we would be having the birthday cake at our own home, she exploded. (A bit of background, myself and brother had a disagreement a few months ago and haven't really spoken since), I think mother is feeling pressured to include everyone and make sure they feel comfortable but I can't help but feel it's a bit unreasonable to not be allowed an opinion on anything given its my child's birthday. I've been told to "not be difficult" & "keep it simple". A massive part of me just want to tell them all to f@ off but I don't want my child to miss out on spending time with other family members.

No matter what I say in this scenario I will be made to feel like "everything has to suit and revolve around me" (because I am the one with the children, brother and wife don't have any). I know family would like to spend time with the children but I also know they don't particularly care to spend any time with me and I really don't like how I'm made to feel when I'm around everyone together.

Any tips on dealing with this situation?
Am I being unreasonable to expect family to come to us for birthday cake and celebrations? (I live round the corner from parents).

Just tell them your plans and that they are quite welcome to come to yours after soft play, don't let them railroad you

You are the mother of your child, your mother is not. She doesn’t get to dictate what you do for your child’s birthday and in fact the default would be that you make arrangements unless you ask people for assistance, which you have not.

Honestly if people in my own family don’t really want to see me, I’m not handing my DC over for their entertainment. I’d rather host a birthday party on my own turf if there is any hint of unpleasantness they can go back round the corner to your parents’ place.

You're being unreasonable to expect people to mind read. If you want them to come to something then you need to invite them. If you want them to plan around it you need to let them know what you intend!

So her mum isn’t being unreasonable for making plans about a child that isn’t hers nor has talked to the parents about plans to begin with and gets upset when the actual parent speaks up?

Her mum isn’t a mind reader but she sure has no issue telling people what to do and what plans are with no thought to what anyone other than herself wants.

Just tell them what's happening and when, and do that. If they come, they come. If they don't, they don't. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just try and be breezy and unbothered when they "explode" etc. I know it's easier said than done!

"Keep it simple." - "Yep it is simple, it's 2pm at mine."
"Don't be difficult!" - ""Not difficult, I'll write it down for you if you want."
"You need to do it at ours because XYZ." - "Nope, that doesn't work for us."

Either that or just say what I say to my toddler - "I have already answered that question, and my answer has not changed." 🤣

sounds like my family! just tell them the plans you intend to follow and if they don’t come then that’s on them

🙄
That's not what I said. You're taking issue with something that isn't even in my post.

Yanbu to want the celebrations to be at home.
Yabu if you let your mother railroad you in to her plans.

Just say no.

So they don’t want to see you but want to have the pleasure of your children? You need to start learning the word no. Just tell them what the plans are and if they don’t like it then tough.

Ah my mum loves to do this crap. Just appears at my house sometimes with a random person in tow. The person oblivious to the fact that no, I have not invited my mum and her "friend" over for lunch. Utterly ludicrous behaviour. No one believes it unless they have first hand experience of this abusive nonsense.

The stately homes thread might be of interest to you.

Tell them the plans. Be prepared for your mum not to show up.

Stick to your guns

This is all assuming your house is clean and doesn't have say 3 angry fluffy dogs running about

Your mum is unreasonable for planning stuff for your dc, expecting you to be ok about it & exploding when you're not

You are unreasonable for not telling everyone the plans you have made though! It's Christmas, everyone is busy fitting things in so don't wait until they ask - just tell them

Send a simple message to all now - "this is what we are doing for DC, happy for you to join us, let us know"

This is madness and easily solved.

Set plans that suit you and update people. Don’t shift. You could potentially be setting yourself up as a doormat for life if you relent.

As an aside, I’ve not spoken to my sister in five years after her outrageous behaviour towards me that she denies (I have hard evidence!). My mum is constantly trying to get me to meet up with her - not happening.

Your mother is one very pushy woman. I think my children might tell me where to go if I tried to arrange my grandchildren’s parties 😂
You need to tell your mother what YOUR arrangements are for YOUR child.

I don’t know… What does your child want to do? Would he like to go to Granny’s house? Also, she must buy the cake herself.

First reply nailed it.