Aibu or am I jealous??

[Cissa93]

Title doesn’t do much so let me explain further. I feel that dp is very materialistic which puts me off. Am I lazy / disorganised? Let me explain….

i seem to spend my days constantly busy not actually doing much. Dp is self employed and works 7 days per week (his choice, financially not needed). He usually only has Monday or Friday evenings off to spend with us. I only work 10h per week from home, practically nothing and I have just started an online course to get back to work full time soon. We have 2 dc who are now finally in full time school.

this past weekend I dedicated to clearing out our entire home, sorting dcs bedroom ready for Xmas, decluttering and cleaning before they break up from school so that we can spend time together properly over the holidays. This morning I am up with dc, getting us all ready, packing 2 backpacks, 2 PE kits, 2 bags of clothes (dc have class parties at school today), another bag full of cakes/snacks etc for school party, packed my work bag, all the usual morning routine then rushed to get them into school and rushed off to meet my boss at work directly after. Had a 2 hour meeting with my boss (who semi-scolded me telling me she noticed I am not good at asking people for help and she has noticed that in my personal life with family and help with childcare etc. She then had To stop herself as she knew it wasn’t appropriate to talk about).

I then rushed home after the meeting to cook early dinner as I’m taking the dc straight from school to their sports clubs and need to take food on the go for them as we went be back until 7pm. I do this 4 weekdays a week (not including weekend clubs that we do) and dp will usually come along on a Monday or Friday evening to ‘help out’ although I still do all the actual work he just drives us there/back etc. after cooking I then rushed to do some more work on my laptop, I’m extremely behind on my course etc

then dp comes home from work (finished at 12pm as it’s Monday). He strolls in with a huge Gucci gift bag (a gift that a clients bought him). As Xmas is coming up it’s been non stop him reviving gifts every day, Louis Vuitton gift bags etc etc not just a box of chocolates, £300 perfumes etc. he then proceeds to tell me that I am unorganised and ‘don’t do much’. This has really triggered me. He would never be able to handle all the things I do. Being ontop of the kids schedules 24/7 etc.

i can then hear him opening his gift, in such a great mood so happy talking to himself about whoever bought him it etc and absolutely raving. It irritates me so much as I am the complete opposite and not materialistic at all. He loves to show off these expensive gifts to me. I bought him a ‘couples card game’ on Valentine’s Day for us to play as a joke and he never touched it and ‘regifted’ it to a client … I don’t have much money but I believe it’s the thought that counts and it makes me feel rubbish.

long story short, am I lazy or unorganised? Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed? Am I ‘jealous’? I don’t think I’m jealous

That’s also a great plan. He does sound like a selfish oaf. My hubs brings home all the gift-bags & goodies and offers them to me and the kids first! And if he gets tickets to Wimbledon etc, he takes the day off/WFH and sends me and a mummy friend because he thinks we deserve quality adult time away from the kids!

Bullshit. Most professional couples will not be earning enough to have 2 nannies plus additional paid for help. You seem to think someone's only a 'professional ' if they're earning hundreds of thousands of pounds.

I’m not sure re the present thing but when my DC were primary aged I worked just six hours per week and my DH worked mega long hours and travelled a fair bit for work too.
I did find it really easy to keep on top of everything at home and do all the running around for the DC’s club (they did a lot) etc. I think DH and I both appreciated that the other was doing a lot to facilitate our nice lifestyle.
OP you are obviously not lazy but maybe you could work on the organisational skills.

We are referencing the OP’s situation - a husband who is only home a couple of evenings a week and works all weekend in his business. It was couples who work similar hours that I was alluding to - partners in law and accountancy firms where commuting and 8-10hour days mean that they cannot only hire one nanny for 35-40hrs a week. All of the women like that that I know have either left their jobs - precisely because they do NOT earn that much - or gone part time so that they can manage with one nanny, keep their careers going, and hopefully return to full time work when their kids are finally in schoolFT and using afterschool clubs - and none had a penny to show from their own incomes after it had all gone on childcare. Just because you don’t know women like that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. I know dozens, from banking and legal execs through to police women, teachers/uni lecturers and nurses who all gave up their jobs because they had no local family to help and the cost of childcare - and the limitations of nursery opening hours - meant it they couldn’t balance it all in any way that made financial sense. So shove your bullshit - it’s time women’s contribution in the domestic sphere was valued and understood, not derided by people like you.

Sounds like you have low self esteem OP but with your course and intention to work more this hopefully will be sorted.
Weird how your boss spoke to you, was he/she right?
Your husband has different values to you. He needs to respect you more imo.

It sounds like he is someone who puts himself and his pleasure and fulfillment first, whereas you are someone who puts other people first. I get the sense that he is judging you for your approach to life, while you are judging him for his. The ideal probably sits a bit in the middle but you are each ending up entrenching each other further and further at each end of the spectrum: his total commitment to his job and the joy and sense of reward he gets from it (which is what the fancy presents represent) is leaving you to pick up more and more of the work for the family/kids. Meanwhile, by doing everything on the family front, you are (unwittingly) enabling him to live entirely for himself. It's a knot that just gets tighter and tighter the more each of you struggle against it because your way of struggling against it is to emphasize more and more strongly your own ways of doing things, and judging/resenting the other more and more for being the opposite to yourselves.

It will only really start to change if you can both work together to find ways to come closer to the centre. And that will definitely involve him doing a lot more to help around the house and being a bit less selfish, while maybe you need to start being a bit more selfish...

Oh and I forgot to say - it is possible you are jealous but I would say that if you are, it's more likely to be of his ability to put himself first, something that those of us who tend to put others first always look on at with a combination of resentment, irritation (because we pick up their slack) and often, envy.

I'm thinking that you need to have a talk with him. Maybe along the lines that you are going back to work full time and he's going to have to pick up some slack in order for this to work. Ie. Collect the children, cook, do some housework. Be specific. His response will be interesting.

It sounds as though all those lovely gifts have turned him into someone who thinks very highly of himself, doesn't it?

If he has such rich clients, how come the family doesn't have more money?

I'd be quietly checking his finances to see if he has actually bought the contents of these so-called 'goody bags'.

You're not lazy or jealous but it really doesn't sound like you are well suited to each other.

Perhaps you could write down everything you do on a schedule, including even what seem like minor things (such as making lunches) and show it to him/use it as the basis of a conversation. Or if you want to be passive aggressive, just stop doing everything you do and see how soon he notices things fall apart without you.

Of course you're jealous - who wouldn't love to be able to put themselves first all the time, take naps and still think they were Gods gift while someone else does everything for the household and family.

OP you're starting to believe his narrative that he's big and important and you're lucky to have him. Please recalibrate a bit. You probably can't value yourself, but think about what the kids think is important.

You're not unreasonable or jealous. You're dissatisfied and hurt at the lack of appreciation and respect and youre resentful. Next time you're intimate you'll imagine him gloating over his 'prizes' and you'll get the ick. Speak up. You're marriage is in danger.

Increase your hours to FT, make him do 50% of childcare and household gruntwork, and stop martyring yourself.

I don’t think that either of you appreciate what each other does.

He has been rude about you but tbh if my Dh went on about packing school bags I probably wouldn’t appreciate it either.

Why do you think it’s jealousy? What are you jealous of? The gifts? The time?

Why? Do PTs get a lot of expensive gifts??

The Only Question here that is relevant is ..

Is he a 'Dp' or a 'DH' and that means married in the church of England (or very niche Quakers ) Or a registry office ? If not then you are in trouble.. if so then divorce him .:

He doesn't sound very nice OP. Why wouldn't he want to open the present with you? Why don't you have any money when you're doing all the childcare + work 10h a week. Isn't he giving you any money if he works that much?

I agree, it's always the thought that counts, how rude to openly regift your present. Then he complains about you not doing much except working, running the entire household including cooking, cleaning, everything around the kids. You're not lazy, you're not unorganised, you sound fab to me. The problem is with him, not you.

My husband appreciated that I do the packed lunches and think of everything. Why wouldn't you? Is it not considered work in your home?