If you go NC with sibling what do you do about nieces and nephews

[swimminginthepool]

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So we have recently gone NC with sibling for a host of reasons including stealing from parents, lying, etc. if any of you are in the same boat what do you do about their children. In our case 4 and 2 years old, we've left their Christmas presents at grandparents house but kind of felt this would be the last time. Do we just have to cut ties with them as well? Aibu to think unfortunately that relationship can't continue under the circumstances? Husband thinks it isn't fair on kids (we're potentially a stable happy place to visit) and we should try to continue a relationship with the kids. I just don't see how to do this without someone having to facilitate it which isn't possible now.

It depends entirely on whether the parents allow you contact with their children.

Well I don't want to be childcare for them ans I think that's the only want they'd let us see kids. I think NC needs to mean NC. Gave gifts this year just because we already had them.

It’s a difficult one.

My husband is NC with his sister and parents. The first couple of years we sent Christmas/birthday cards and presents to his nieces (2 and 5 at the time), but it did eventually fizzle out.
As you’ve said, it ultimately felt like the last time and couldn’t go on forever without complicating matters.

They’ve moved since, so wouldn’t even know where to send anything now.

I think it depends on the circumstances around being NC. Have they asked you never to contact them or their children again? Is it too damaging to you to maintain contact with the children or do they use them as a weapon to gain access to you?

I am NC with my mum and as a result of that, she has no relationship with my dc. That's my choice because of her unhinged and damaging behaviour. If she is too destructive to be good for my mental health, there is no way it's healthy for her to have any contact with my children.

Your situation is different though. It sounds like you are protecting yourself from your sibling rather than them trying to protect themselves and dc from you. Honestly, if you know that your sibling has behaviour that is harmful to you, then it's quite likely they aren't the best parent either. I think it can be a brave thing to keep those family ties going, especially if you think their dc may need to reach out for support from the wider family in time.

But you can only do that if it doesn't compromise your mental health and wellbeing. Personally, I think giving a gift is a pretty non-involved act, especially if you can pass it through a grandparent. So I would keep that up for now. Could you see them at grandparents without sibling, if sibling will allow? Generally, I think children are innocent in all of these tricky family situations and should be sheltered as much as possible from the fallout - in my case, keeping mine safe meant they went NC too, but that may not be the best approach in this situation. I would see how you feel in the future as doesn't seem like a decision you need to make right now as Christmas gifts already given.

Thanks for your opinions. I think I'll just see how it goes as it is all quite recent. Another stumbling black will be if they get our kids anything, we would normally thank them but don't even want to do that.

Are your kids old enough to send a thank you card?

Realistically the kids will barely know who you are and vice versa.

Buying presents as they get older you won't know what they like or what they have already. Or even if they are being given the gifts.

And it's unlikely their parents would facilitate them meeting you.

Our kids old enough to write one. Well we that this year and try to stop next. They would let us look after kids as they're coke heads and out all weekend. We still need to decide how and what we're prepared to do. Kids like being here. Still early days. Final straw for us was stealing 15 grand from 89 year old grandad.

I had this with no contact sister, I would send money in a card for her son on birthdays and christmas as I'd babysat him etc before she turned on me. One Christmas eve I got a horrible text from sister telling to stop sending him money and cards so I did and haven't since.

Sad really, he had nothing to do with the falling out but I suppose it's her choice.

I'd sent something and see how it goes then until you get asked to stop.

Are the children safe?

The only way I can see working would be if the children were in the care of someone else like grandparents and came to visit you. In this situation it does seem a shame to remove a stable family relationship from them if their home life is chaotic.

Why are your parents still in touch then if they have committed such an act?

I send gifts through the grandparents. Even DH, who is mostly oblivious to family undercurrents, joked that one day we'd have DN turn up on our doorstep. DN has run twice now (to GP's) that we know of so it's not beyond the bounds of possibility. We feel we need to let DN's know we're still there for them even if we're NC with their parents. We've made sure that our phone numbers and address are written down next to their GP's phone, ostensibly so GP's have it to hand, in reality so DN's can see it. It's hard to get the balance right, especially as my DC want to keep in contact with their cousins but don't want to have to have contact with their aunt and uncle again.
If GP's weren't willing to pass on gifts direct then I'd put the money I would have spent aside for DN's to get when they're 18.

@thelonemommabear probably to try and protect their grandchildren. My parents also had to make such a decision and they decided they couldn't cut contact because otherwise they feared DN's would be completely isolated from any kind of normality.

Because she can't do any wrong in their eyes.
Because they feel bad they didn't just give her the money when she asked.
Because she said she'll pay it back.
Because some parents are blind to the flaws in their kids.

We send over christmas gifts as we decided not to punish the Dcs for their father's actions. (He also stole money from my PILs).

Nothing in return- no acknowledgement at all so we might well stop at some point. We have that discussion every year.

I guess they would want to provide some stability for their grandchildren and are still concerned about their child who has a drug addiction in spite of everything.

We went NC with SIL. She was constantly sh*stirring to an extreme degree and weaponized her young kid. DN must be 4/5 now so too young to remember us or manage a relationship themself. We didn't really have much choice. SIL might even have more kids by now, she won't be allowed near our incoming baby and although it's very sad we need to protect our family from toxic, abusive behaviour and we have other DNs incoming that we can invest our energy in without having to deal with the pain and hurt from the parents behaviour.

Kids need consistency you are either in their lives or you’re not presents at Christmas and birthdays. Do not a relationship make so if you’re going noncontact go noncontact and be done

In the circumstances you describe I would see if something could be maintained using e.g. grandparents as a 'neutral' third party - either you see the kids whilst in their care or your kids spend time with their kids round there. It may not work and things may fizzle out down the line but if their parents are a mess then offering a door to a more stable world could pay dividends down the line.

That said, I wouldn't blame you if you decide to cut ties altogether. There are some individuals like this in my DH's family and sometimes you just have to say enough is enough.

I wouldn't send gifts and wouldn't accept them either.

I'm in kind of the opposite situation. NC with a childless sibling, but it's not my child's fault so i let him still send handmade birthday cards etc to the sibling....

I don't expect anything back though obv hope they appreciate my child loves them and thinks of them.