Postpartum MH issues - to take longer off?

[Splmatleavehelp]

Posting for traffic.

Had baby 2 at the end of July. Really struggling with my MH at the moment.

Have decent mat leave/ SPL options (both DH and I civil servants) but not high grades and CoL is hard. We do ok when both earning, but can't afford to only be one wage. Due to this I took/ taking the 6 months full pay. And DH the 13 weeks statutory. I am due to end mat leave 22 Jan and DH starts statutory then (with ktk days to bolster income). Ideally we'd have taken the full year between us. But the last 13 weeks are unpaid.

Using a bit of leave (but keeping some back for inevitable children being sick issues) I am due back mid Feb.

I don't think I can face it. I am not well enough at the moment. Both physically and mentally. Have had health issues since late pregnancy that are not resolving. Also very down. Espeically after a nasty situation with former friends.

I don't know what to do. Work will be very full on as their is a recruitment freeze at the mo and the team is very short staffed. I'm also down because I keep missing out on promotions. Since August 2022 I have passed 5 job interviews for the grade above but been put on the reserve list each time. With recruitment freezes across the board I am unlikely to be promoted at any time in the next year and am fully expecting all reserve lists to expire (one already has). Extra work, with a real terms paycut, major anxiety and depression - and having to spend less time with my children who I already feel like I am failing is making me even more unwell. I also have to confirm my return date by Christmas.

I'm not sure what to do?

YANBU - Talk to someone and take longer off. Please tell me how I can afford this.

YABU - you have a roof over your head and an ok job, other people manage.

Could you take the 13 weeks statutory instead of your DH if you want longer off?

I could, but then he would get no time off with the baby. He has also been amazing (and is amazing) and holding everything together for the family over the last few months. I think he needs some time with the baby too. Ideally, if money were not a major issue I'd take a few weeks and we'd be off together until Easter. When I could also take some leave. Then ease back to work with some remaining A/L. My depts leave year ends over the summer. I'd take mkre leave, but I don't have enough to cover the time.

Big issue is also new push for 60% office time. I am supposed to have reasonable adjustments in place. But I think I'll still be out under pressure to go in more than I can handle. I was hired in the pandemic and assured that post lockdowns hybrid would not mean more than 2 days a week on average.

Go back as late as you can afford.

Use the time off to reset. Mid feb is way off.

Or if your partner can see you struggling surely the best option is for him to forgo his leave?

see how you are upon your return- you may surprise yourself.

You also won't get any promotion opportunities whilst you are not there... so how you can be annoyed by this is hard to understand?

@roseheartfly We will look at what is financially possible. But it looks difficult. I can do some SPL with keeping in touch days (which are paid) to be effectively part time for a short period.

In terms of promotions - I work for the civil service, I have been told applying for promotions while on mat leave is really normal. I had an interview just before going on M/L and two this autumn while on M/L. Recruitment can take many months, so being on M/L at the point of interview is not seen as a barrier to applying.

The issue is, there are fewer roles available. I am the top of a few reserve lists and ordinarily that would mean I would be likely to be offered a promotion without having to interview again if a similar post came up. These lists are usually open for 12 months. But with recruitment freezes in place - even though posts are empty that I could do - they are not allowed to backfill for the moment. This means I will effectively be doing the role above mine, but for no extra pay.

You need to take the 13 weeks off instead of your husband. Your needs are greater than his. Yes, it's a shame he won't get any time off with the baby, but you are the one who has had the physical and mental strain of pregnancy and childbirth to contend with, not him. It's the only way I can see of you having more time off without your family struggling financially. Please look after yourself. X

I'm sorry but under the circumstances, you need to take the 13 weeks off, not your husband. You are not well amd need this time off more than him. Remember, it's not just about bonding with a baby but about recovery from pregnancy and giving birth which you need for both, your physical and mental health

Yep, agree with PP. Your husband will bond just fine, even if he just has the las three weeks, say.

The whole family bond is important. That includes a healthy mum. That's what your baby needs, more than specific leave with dad.

Thanks for perspective. I need to speak to work. We have to make any changes this week.

I am wondering if I can take a month SPL unpaid and have kit days (you can have up to 20) to be part time for a bit.

I'm feeling a lot of pressure as my MH has nose dived even more in the last week. Not helped by being on antibiotics again for a UTI (I have had 7 in the last 6 months. But urology waiting lost is over a year). Not being able to get out for a walk because I feel sick/ wet myself when not on antibiotics is not helping with my self esteem. I am dreading the guilt over office attendance. I've been told I don't have to do the 60% from April. But constant emails sent to all and forms tracking attendance will make me super anxious.

Sorry. I think my brain is all over the place.

I think if we needed it, my parents or ILs would help with some costs for a short period. We're usually buoyant but we spent a big chunk of our savings getting the loft converted this year so need to make sure we have enough income to cover bills and mortgage if I or DH take any significant unpaid time off.

Seems 2/3rds think I should take more time off. But 1/3rd think I should go back in Feb as planned.

It really doesn't matter what any of us random strangers on the internet think, OP. You are the only one who will have to live with the consequences of any decision you make. Don't let the voting sway you from what you think is the best think to do for yourself and your family. X

Do you mind me asking how old you are?

OP regarding the constant UTI’s, is your GP doing urine cultures and finding actual infections or are they just palming you off with more antibiotics? That is going to make you feel unwell regardless of the bladder issue.

I suffered after both of my kids were born with UTI / bladder issues and was at one point told I had interstitial cystitis after a cystoscopy. Couple of years down the line I am on HRT, including vaginal oestrogen that only acts locally and ALL of my UTI and bladder issues have gone. This prompted me to look into it more deeply and it’s now becoming known that for many women, these issues are down to low oestrogen and this is something that can happen to younger ladies in the postnatal period. You can ask the GP for Ovestin cream or similar vaginal oestrogen products and try them out and see if they help. This would be especially indicative if you also have dryness, non-existent sex drive etc.

Listened to a podcast about this recently by Louise Newson, which was particularly informative).

I'm 39. They have done some cultures - showed amoxicillin resistent e-coli. But others have just shown high white cells/ mixed growth. They've done blood tests that show high platelets and low iron. Waiting for a blood film result. I've seen physio who say pelvic floor is good, no prolapse issues. My bladder spasms and feels bruised as does my right kidney. It gets better when on antibiotics but worse 3 or 4 days after the course is completed.

I am breastfeeding at the moment.