Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband not to go out.

13 replies

Jenzer01 · 18/12/2023 01:10

We have a 13 week old, a 2 Yr old and a 4 Yr old. They're all at home with me all the time. I have had one hour away from my 13 week old since he was born. I'm okay with this, because he's small and breastfed.

We were just away on holidays for 3 weeks and my husband found ti hard even though I told him how hard it was going to be and I thought it wasn't a great idea.

Night after we get home, he wants to go out and asks me if I mind. I tell him I'm exhausted and I'd rather he didn't go. He says he asked out of politeness but saying "no" is not okay.

He has two more nights out planned next week and the weekend after.
We had a massive row and he sulked by staying in but not helping with any if the bedtimes or housework.

I have a lunch planned after Christmas and will prob do a dinner out one of the nights too so it's not that I'm resentful. I was honestly exhausted and couldn't face a triple bedtime the day after travelling home from holidays.

Is it OK to ask this of your partner? He claims its not and I should never say no.

OP posts:
ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 18/12/2023 01:12

Did you plan your children?

Original poster
Jenzer01 · 18/12/2023 01:15

Yes, all planned together with DH. Why do you ask?

OP posts:
Hermittrismegistus · 18/12/2023 01:16

Of course you're not being unreasonable to want him to stay home more and actually parent his children. The mind just boggles as to to why you would want that man to father your children? Not just once but three times!

Ormside · 18/12/2023 01:19

Has he always been like this? I just can't imagine having three planned DC so young and then expecting him to be different. If this is new behaviour I'd want to know why he's suddenly changed.

Whataretheodds · 18/12/2023 01:20

Not sure what your expectation is of when it will be OK for him to have some alone time out but it is healthy to have. However "you should never say no" is Ridiculous with one child never mind 3.
And his sulky attitude stinks. He should be pulling his weight at home regardless of who's going out and when.

Original poster
Jenzer01 · 18/12/2023 08:09

Yes 100% and he has other nights out planned soon. I was just exhausted from our trip and unpacking etc. Our kids found the day of travel difficult too which means they all gravitate to Mama. He also works for himself and can go to the gym/play golf/get a massage during the week this week if he wants.

OP posts:
Calamitousness · 18/12/2023 08:17

Of course it’s ok to ask that your husband doesn’t go out if you’re struggling.
it’s not ok to routinely ask him not to. Same as it’s not ok for him to ask you not to go out. But you should be able to agree dates for either of you to go out that are good for both of you.

Butchyrestingface · 18/12/2023 08:21

Jenzer01 · 18/12/2023 01:15

Yes, all planned together with DH. Why do you ask?

I think people are probably wondering whether he behaved in the same manner with the first two or this recent behaviour is atypical.

SarcasmAndCoffee · 18/12/2023 08:23

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 18/12/2023 01:12

Did you plan your children?

This is irrelevant……. There here now

TheSkyWasMadeOfAmethyst · 18/12/2023 08:24

DH and I have always had the odd night out with friends, I think it's healthy.

But that said, if I was particularly exhausted (as I'm sure I would be straight after a holiday with 3 such little ones) I'd ask if he'd mind staying home that night, and he would - he'd be disappointed but not resentful. (Although we'd maybe compromise like if it was local I might suggest he went a bit later after settling the older DC.)

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 18/12/2023 08:25

SarcasmAndCoffee · 18/12/2023 08:23

This is irrelevant……. There here now

Show quote history

It's irrelevant to the question at hand but something the OP should probably ponder. Having three planned children with a man who is selfish, lazy and misogynistic is a choice...

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 18/12/2023 08:51

I haven't voted because you haven't said how much he does the rest of the time. The bit where you had to tell him how hard a holiday was going to be makes me think he doesn't pull his weight though.

Also, the you must never say no bit and the sulking is ridiculous.

But saying no to one partner going out because 3 kids without disabilities etc need dealing with and you are tired is unreasonable. Of course you will be tired with 3 kids, one being a newborn.

But going out so much when you have 3 kids is also unreasonable. And will he be out on Christmas eve if hes got two nights out next weekend? Or is he out Friday and then Saturday? Either way, that is unreasonable.

So maybe you are both unreasonable but I think its him that is unreasonable mostly.

RhymeForATime · 18/12/2023 09:00

I guess I'd have a different approach. With multiple kids, bedtime in our house is a military operation with each parent having set tasks. I of course don't mind my husband going out whenever he wants to, but his tasks are his to do. He's not "helping" me by doing them just like I'm not "helping" him by doing my own tasks. If he's asking a favour, so asking if I can do "his" tasks so he can go out, then that's a different scenario and I might agree or disagree depending on my own stress levels, tiredness etc

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread