Do you bother with people that don’t bother with you?

[Youreek]

I feel like I know I AIBU but can’t help feeling so resentful.

I can count on my fingers the amount of times DH mother has seen our children (eldest is 10) she may visit once a year if we are lucky, we visit her more often.

Live around 30 minutes away so not round the corner but also not other ends of the world. She works full time, we both also work full time. Obviously our choice to have multiple children means we don’t have much free time.

every time we have been invited there for certain special events I can’t help feeling resentful at having to give up my little spare time for someone who doesn’t give a shit about us all year round. Added with taking the kids to a none kid proofed house is just hard work, but I still do it for DH while secretly being annoyed inside 🤣 the worst thing is I don’t actually mind her we get along fine I think it just stings that she isn’t that interested in the grandkids and doesn’t make much effort. But that’s her right I guess.

please help me change my way of thinking around this because I know the right thing to do is put a smile on and just go but it just annoys the life out of me and I can’t vent to DH as I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

At least you get an invitation... What the hell do you want¿??

Are there other grandchildren or is she too busy to visit?

I totally understand. My mil is just not interested in her grandchildren (on our side anyway) yet almost obsessed with the two that live locally to her. She doesn't know anything about ours; what year they're in at school, what they like or don't like. It's pissed me off for years, but DH has only recently caught on to it and not been able to excuse it anymore. I know people say 'their loss', but it isn't really as this is what she wants. Sad though.

Yes there are other grandchildren and yes she is busy to be fair she works a lot. Not sure why it grinds my gears so much I think it could be just the vast difference in how my family are with our kids to the effort she makes.

it feels like if we wasn’t taking them to see her she wouldn’t ever see them do you know what I mean? And I appreciate we all have our own lives and are free to do whatever we want, I don’t know why it gets to me so much

@melonhead Similar to our situation then she is a lot closer with the ones that live closer. It does hurt doesn’t it, I guess nothing will change I just hate feeling like this when something comes up I really resent going now.

I mean this kindly but not everyone is overly invested in their grandchildren. And that's her right. If she is still working and has a busy life I can sort of understand that.

People assume that older women's entire lives revolve around their children and grandchildren. Honestly I can imagine when I have got through child-raising I might well feel I want not to have to endlessly centre my life around another generation of children.

You have a relationship with her and she sees the grandchildren but I don't think you can demand that she puts your family ahead of everything else in her life. Maybe make a bit less effort with her?

If she makes more of an effort to see them (her other grandchildren), then you’re not unreasonable to feel a bit annoyed by it. I think it comes down to what your children think and how they feel? Is there is a noticeable favouritism or interest in the other grandchildren compared to them?

I try and match other peoples effort. I see a lot more of my family than DPs as they make a lot more effort.

Bitching that your mil hasn't child proofed her house is really U and resenting someone for not being thrilled with your multiple children is U. I'm guessing MIL finds you as hard work as you find her.

Do you invite her to yours at all? Sounds like she is inviting you to stuff but not clear whether she’s invited to come and see you…some people wouldn’t just turn up etc and also might not want to invite themselves. If you do ask her round and she just doesn’t then yeah I’d make less effort or let your husband lead the effort given it’s his Mum

@CalistoNoSolo I’m certainly not bitching that her house isn’t childproofed why should it be? I am simply making the point that it’s surely more stressful taking my kids to see her than it is for her to come and see the kids because it’s us who makes most of the effort that’s all.

It is definitely more stressful going to houses that aren’t child proofed, you can’t take your eyes off them for a second…not unreasonable to point that out!

@Thepeopleversuswork thank you, yes I agree it’s her right entirely and I get that not everybody has the time to make an effort or may just not want to. I would prefer to make less effort on our side but I feel bad on DH doing that but then I’m feeling resentful when it comes to giving up my own spare time for her when she doesn’t reciprocate do you know what I mean?

we do invite her to ours she probably agrees 1-2 times a year

@beanontoast thank you this is all I meant by that comment

My MIL literally lives two streets away and makes zero effort, not even with her own son.
We've made our peace with it, ultimately its her choice.

I feel, like @NameChangeAgain23 has it right with matching efforts. My DH is from a big family and not everyone makes an effort. It used to upset me but I can't control the actions of others. I work full-time myself and time is precious. Maybe look at it as you don't have to spend your limited time with her? 😂

@phoenixrosehere the children are completely unaware of it fortunately and I would always keep it that way

she works full time and she does invite you.but you resent being invited because you work full time and your days off are "precious " . what do you want people to say because .you are being ridiculous.

@YearsofYears this is exactly how I feel actually 🤣 is your dh supportive of matching efforts?

He is supportive of matching efforts luckily. He's probably less bothered about it than me. I'm from a relatively close Irish extended family and the estranged dynamic with relatives is so sad to me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I hate having to play happy families when I do see them once a year as it feels contrived.
I've reflected on it a lot and decided to just focus on the relatives who are interested in me and the kids. We also spend lots of time just in our nuclear family.

I would leave it to your DH to be honest.

I absolutely get it. We live far away so I understand that my in-laws will be closer to their other grandchildren who live locally, yet, at the same time I expected that there would be some type of effort for ours when we did visit but it was quite little and my own were/are young enough not to notice. DH eventually noticed the same, among other things that I had already came to terms with years ago when it came to me and our children.

I consciously decided to focus on what my children have. They have my parents despite them living in another country (video call several times a week to speak to them and spoil them when they visit), they have us, they are happy children, and when we do visit, they have a lot of fun with their cousins. I’m glad for the effort that I do see from MIL now which is better than what it had been. Whether DH said something, or her own realisation, I don’t know, but as long as my children are happy, it doesn’t matter.

Focus on the positives. If your children are happy, then you and your DH are doing something right and your children are doing well regardless of the effort.