..... to wonder about cousin's wife and alcohol?

[AnnaSewell]

I don't drink, so I am not a good judge of what is 'normal' behaviour around booze. Most people who I spend time with have wine with a meal or the occasional beer, but it doesn't go beyond that sort of ordinary social dinking. There are other non-drinkers in my family

Spouse and I recently drove up to celebrate a very much older relatives birthday and wondered whether to take champagne for the lunch We decided against it. The person whose birthday it was only really likes Bailey's in the evening, and is now tiny and ancient and frail. We ended up bringing various fancy soft drinks instead.

It was a bring and share type lunch at older relative's shared accommodation and as we were all unpacking my husband and I noticed my cousin's wife unloading prosecco. I said, 'Oh lovely shall I put it out with all the other drinks?' To which she replied, 'No it's for me, though you can have a glass if you want.' (Husband and I said no.)

The idea had been that we'd just bring simple stuff and cousin's wife had bought a quiche and salad ingredients. She stayed in the kitchen on her own all the time it was in the oven - cutting up cucumber very very slowly

At lunch she knocked over her plate of food and retreated back to the kitchen for the rest of the meal.

I thought back to various other family lunches that she hosted and remembered she usually does the same thing of keeping herself away from everyone while preparing food and refusing help. She has often seemed an almost incredibly slow cook - taking hours over what are essentially ready meals. When we are eating she will sometimes disappear from the table for long periods and my cousin, who is a very protective partner, will go off to find her.

I had always assumed she was just a not particularly relaxed cook who found hosting stressful

But I'm now wondering if I've just failed to pick up on the fact she has an awkward relationship with booze, and my cousin has been hovering over her/covering up for her - for some time.

What would your reading of the situation be?

The thing of doing a bring and share lunch at my elderly relative was a way of trying to ease the pressure on my cousin and his wife, who normally host. In terms of their relationship he has wanted to get more involved with the cooking especially now that he has retired. Essentially he's a decent bloke. Not at all lazy and perfectly keen to take part in anything domestic.

It's one of these perverse situations where she has said she 'doesn't want to let him.'

She also got hugely stressed about the business of bringing a quiche to our relatives house. There were several phonecalls about how the one she wanted was out of stock, how she thought it would be best if she cooked the second best at her house several miles away and then drove it over to our relative's place. I ended up saying 'whatever you think best', because she just seemed so fraught and I couldn't quite understand the level of agitation.

In the end we waited for them to pitch up and after about an hour there was a call from my cousin, and they pitched up with this quiche which hadn't been warmed up.

As I've said, I'm very fond of my cousin. I do my best to support his mother - my aunt - and to keep in touch with him. But the distance means this is mainly a matter of phonecalls. I was very aware that he has two lots of caring responsibilities. His wife's mother is not at all well. Picking up on his anxiety around his wife is a relatively new thing. I hope they get through it all, given that the the care needs of the two elderly people are only likely to increase.