To not go to my own birthday party

[Goneforaride]

I have a BIG birthday coming up in January. The last year has been very tough one for me - serious health issues (my own and DH) as well as other stressful things have left me feeling anxious, deflated and emotionally exhausted. Christmas - which I have always detested - and the looming birthday are just adding to my downbeat mood and I really feel like I need a bit of quiet time to recover and get over a few things - physically and emotionally.

In addition, I am a very quiet person who hates parties, is more comfortable fading into the background and definitely never wants to be the centre of attention.

A couple of days ago I overheard a conversation I should not have heard. I have not let on that I heard! Essentially, a couple of my friends are organising a "surprise" birthday party for me involving a get together at a local pub, food, music, cake etc. They seem to be inviting a lot of people associated with a hobby group I'm part of, as well as other people. At time of writing, I have no idea how they are planning to actually get me there - maybe suggest a "quiet drink at the pub" or similar on the day.

Whilst I'm touched that they want to do this, the thought of it fills me with complete dread. It's absolutely the last thing I want, or need, right now. So, do I tell them I heard them planning and quietly ask them to forget the whole idea, do I duck out on the day and claim a bout of flu/covid/stomach upset as an excuse, or do suck it up and go along with it, and pretend to be having a great time? I just don't want a party. All opinions welcome.

Yes tell them. I'd hate this too.

Tell them.

Be upfront - tell them you overheard them and while you are touched and grateful, you really don't want a big event. Don't duck out on the day as this will make the whole thing a talking point, " Gone didn't show up for her own party, ha ha".

You either tell them, or ask someone else to - but 100% do not go.

People who organise surprise parties for quiet/introverted people are absolute cunts.

Please don't force yourself to go.

Book to go away somewhere of your choosing so that you’re not about.

This is what I would do.

Definitely don't feel you have to go.

I mean, it is REALLY lovely that they care enough about you to want to go to the effort, so I hope that alone lifts your spirits a little at what sounds like a rough time of year for you. But I understand how you feel completely. Now, with these things you generally aren't actually the centre of attention other than the first 5 minutes initial surprise, then it settles into a regular party (I mean, in my experience anyway) so if you think of it like that and think you can get through the first 5 minutes and might enjoy yourself once you 'get going' then it might be worth going? If its people you like, you are unlikely to regret going.
However, if you think you wouldn't enjoy it at all and would regret going, maybe have a quiet word and say its a lovely thought but explain what you have done above and say can we meet in the new year for dinner etc. I'm sure people will understand.

Yes. I did exactly that when my sister organised a surprise party for me. She had asked what I was doing for my 40th and when I said I was quite happy to spend it with just close family she called me "boring" and insisted that I should have a party the day after my birthday. I repeatedly told her I didn't want one but she went ahead and organised one anyway. I got wind of it and after a few drinks in the pub with friends, sister said "let's go back to mine". Friends (who were mostly hers btw), all said "great let's go" whilst giving each other knowing looks. I told them that I wasn't able to join them as I had arranged to do something else that evening but to enjoy the party without me. That was the last time my sister refused to take "no" for an answer though.