Annoying new mum friend

[gingerspiceandallthingsnice]

I've recently had my second baby. Now have 2 under 2. Met a mum at a group with two exactly the same age and we got on really well so exchanged numbers.

We met up once and again got on so well, kids get on well, I thought finally I've made a friend I can hang out with on Mat leave!

But she basically never responds to me. She will text saying we must meet up, then I say yes great I'm free on x days, then she doesn't respond. Then another week or two passes, same thing happens.

I've also noticed she texts me frequently asking advice on things eg - I saw you went to this place, do you recommend, any tips, etc etc (just one example) or how do you handle this situation with the baby toddler etc.

She then doesn't respond and say thank you or further engage the text conversation when I've replied and she's got what she wants.

It's weird to be having these sort of issues with a new friend, but I was so hopeful we'd actually met some nice people to hang out with.

How do I handle it? She's obviously flakey so I'm tempted to just stop replying. We live in a small town so I'll definitely see her around but I can't be bothered to make an effort now!

Personally I wouldn't respond. She obviously isn't interested in meeting up etc as she isn't making it happen.

@Olika yeah you're right - I just don't really understand why she keeps texting me to say 'oh we should meet up' and trying to have contact, I find it quite rude to just not respond especially when a few times I've gone out of my way to write a proper response with some good tips on things.

I think I'll just ignore her next message but it'll be a bit awkward when I inevitably bump in to her.

I had a mum like this nearby whom I met while walking on our area. We were meant to meet/go a walk with our kids for like 5 months but never happened. In the end stopped suggesting or responding.

I’d be making less effort to respond.

She appears to have very little interest in being more than just a casual acquaintance with you, so why go out of your way to write proper responses with good tips when she doesn’t even bother to acknowledge your messages?

Let her go op if she doesnt commit.. had a few flakes like this suggested dates. Nothing

Thanks for responses

I just think it's hard enough being a mum of two under two without people being like this, I get we are all tired and life is busy but I just find it so rude, it has baffled and disappointed me!

I was so happy to have found a friend as I find the weeks so lonely at the moment!

@gingerspiceandallthingsnice

Is she really a friend though? It sounds like you're just a useful source of information for her, but not worth actually spending any actual time with. 🌹

Don’t reply to her request for info texts and be your normal lovely, sunny self when you see her. You think it will be awkward bumping into her without having replied, but she’s shown you she doesn’t care for your feelings by ignoring your messages so just don’t sweat it. Smile, smile, smile.

That's really annoying and rude. i think she sees you as a useful contact who has local info and tips, so keeps the pretence of wanting to meet up, but has no intention of doing so. You're just useful to her. I would stop engaging.

It's especially rude that she doesn't say thanks when you've taken time to type out a thoughtful response to her questions. Just ignore from now on, and don't feel awkward if you bump into her, she's not worrying about your feelings is she? Just be breezy in a 'oh hi, been busy' kind of way.

Possibly she wishes to be your friend but can’t cope with meets ups due to things in her own life?

Next time she says “we must meet up” reply “sure, let me know when you’re free” and leave the ball in her court.

Sounds like she likes your ideas and resourcefulness but doesn't really want to be friends. She wants to keep benefitting from this, so has to act as if she also wants to meet up. Definitely ignore her next message. When you see her next, just have a breezy chat and wave her on her way.

I think this too.

She might not be coping very well, and thinks of you as someone who IS coping well. So she asks you for advice then can’t cope with responding. I sometimes respond erratically and disappear when I’m stressed!

I would reply with something like ‘yeah - great idea’ and not plan anything - ball in her court. Or reply with a 👍🏻. Either way - try not to expect so much from her.

It's annoying and kind of rude but you must know yourself sometimes you are just trying to get through the day

2 under 2 is full on and you clearly have different expectations of mat leave friends...

I’d say something like “oh yeah we had a tricky time with that, will fill you in when I see you!” I feel like new friendships can be a bit like dating - you need to sort of pace what you give of yourself or people devalue you in their heads.

I have a friend like this, she says we should meet. I reply to say I'm free on such a date, then she doesn't reply. It's so irritating!

I met a really lovely group of mum friends at a baby class and we meet all the time and message each other almost daily too. Life gets busy but Friendships should be fairly easy and definitely not one sided. I don't think you'd be unreasonable to distance yourself.

Sounds like your 'friend' just uses you for advice.

When I first read the title I thought 'just dump her' - but how? Let's try gradually backing off and being non committal.
Now it seems that you could be the annoying friend. She doesnt want to he your friend, not in the same way you do. She has a lit going on. She doesnt dislike you but you really dont factor much in her life. If you think she has qualities and character to make her worth being friends with your best bet is to say at 10am...hey Kate, are you free at 2pm...theres a winter wonderland walk on at Happy Park...dya fancy it? Shes more likely to say yes to that than What are you doing next Sunday/March 15th? If you've got something to offer her in terms of company/interest etc a true friendship might blossom....if you're willing to play it this way. If not back off. No ones in the wrong.

How about starting with not assuming ill intent? She has a lot going on, is probably just trying to get through the day. Two under two is a lot. You must know that? It doesn't sound like you've known her long, so let the friendship build and see where it goes. I don't think she is using you, per se, its just whatsap mum talk - you must know this from your first mat leave. Just take it for what it is, see if it builds over time. Answer when you want, don't if you don't want. Be breezy, not needy OP.

I’m on mat leave with my second too and understand wanting to make a good friend.
I don’t think I would take the rudeness personally but instead would assume they’re overwhelmed and busy with 2 under 2. You sound like you might be quite an organised and on top of it mum to have time to worry about this (I mean this in an impressive way, not being mean).

I think I would probably do as a PP said - suggest a specific event to go to (I’m going to this class/walk - want to join?) or maybe ask them for advice (even if not needed) to build up a relationship if that’s what you want.

I had this with a local mum at baby group, but she got really arsey with me when I stopped responding which I also ignored. This was all fine then our kids ended up in the same class at school… was actually ok in the end she was pretty nice and we just kept it civil.

I'd still respond as it may be that she jad had a run of illness, struggling to get the kids out the house etc. But in the same vein as her. She says 'we should meet up', say 'sounds good' but leave her to follow up. If she asks for advice just say sorry you're not sure but you hope whatever it I'd goes well. That way it leaves things open to pick up again in the future if things change but you aren't investing anything

There is every chance she's flakey but equally could she be really struggling with her mental health and not feel she can commit to a meet up?
It does sound like she needs a friend.
Could she have a controlling partner?