To have expected brother to phone or visit

[Plaksj]

my daughter recently fell sick, she was off school for a month and we have numerous hospital visits, including an overnight admission. I would have expected my brother to visit or at least phone, but he sent a text message.
he has always been distant, with our family, and has been moreso after university. We are both in our late 30s and have our own families. I made a real concerted effort when his daughter was born a couple of years to reconnect but it fell flat.
He has a similar attitude towards our parents, I think he has visited them twice in the past 3 years.
I am annoyed by his attitude, particularly as he expects us to dote on his daughter, even when he doesn’t really care about anyone else.

I’m a bit confused. How can he expect you to dote on his daughter if he has previously rebuffed your attempts to reconnect?

It is sad, but it doesn't sound like you should be surprised.

He obviously can't be arsed.

Unfortunately, a sibling bond does not necessarily mean a close bond.

I think parents have expectations that all their children will get along, love each other and have a close relationship for the rest of their lives.

Sadly, this is not the case.

Lower your expectations to zero and sadly, accept that your brother just can't be bothered. It is sad, but if it makes you sad, you need to protect yourself from being hurt.

Why would you expect visits and phone calls over your daughter’s illness when you have a distant relationship?

You aren’t close. He isn’t suddenly going to start behaving like you are close because your daughter’s had some health issues.

How can he expect you to dote on his daughter when you are so low contact?

You don't see him, you don't communicate except for the occasional text, so how do you know that you are expected to dote on his daughter - by telepathy?

You might want him to be more connected to the family, but from what you say this has been who he is all along, so I don't think you should be expecting anything more from him. And that is coming from someone who last heard from her brother in 2016, apart from the very occasional text, because he's just the same. No falling out or anything - this is who he has always been, so I just don't expect anything different. I have had major surgery myself twice since then and I am fairly sure he doiesn't even know.

Yes, this?
Doesn't really make sense.

Where does his live? Sometimes I can go weeks without speaking to sister and she lives close by and we are fairly close.

Appreciate your daughter may have been very ill but to be honest a few hospital visits (appointments or a&E and one overnight stay....not sure I would visit either, especially if I didn't normally visit.

Your post is confusing, you say he has hardly anything to do with you, is distant, your attempts to reconnect fell flat, but he expects you to dote on his child, how?

Yes you are unreasonable to expect it.
He's shown you who he is repeatedly when will you believe him?

You're being dramatic, one overnight admission? Hardly life and death.

He doesn't want to be in your lives, you can't force a relationship

I live a 3 hour drive from my brother and visit about twice a year, other than that a card and phone call on birthdays as we both lead busy lives and don't share a lot in common but I'd be there in a flash if he or my nephews were very sick as he would with any of us.
I don't think it's unreasonable to expect family to care even if you are chalk and cheese.

In what was does he expect you to dote on his daughter?

Sounds like your brother is similar to mine. He never made an effort or valued time with my parents or me, friends were always far more important. The universe revolves around him. He expanded it to include his wife and daughter. But it sadly this didn't come with the realisation that his wider family are of value too. Any relationship we have is entirely one way effort. He would take offence if we didn't make an effort, but feels little obligation himself.

I agree with the other posters and I have come to terms with it similarly. But I also know occasionally it still is able to make me sad. When I was ill I noticed the lack of support form my brother, again. I think its because you tend to goet a lot of kind words and care shown from family, friends, plus even work colleagues + acquaintances. That leaves you noticing the gap.

How does he expect you to dote on his daughter? Presents? Time? Money? However he treats your dc, treat his exactly the same.