Get out my face

ATouchTooMuch · 2023-12-17T10:42:27+00:00

Every time I get stressed my husband of over a decade tries to 'help' by basically getting right in my face and asking me over and over again if I'm OK. We have young kids who hang off us (more me) all day long and then I get my adult partner basically chanting at and crowding me. I keep asking him to stop but he doesn't seem able to. Honestly, it makes me feel like I'm about to have a heart attack.

vanillaredbushtea · 17/12/2023 10:43

Do you get breaks from the kids?

Cheeesus · 17/12/2023 10:45

What does you getting stressed look like?

Original poster

ATouchTooMuch · 17/12/2023 10:48

vanillaredbushtea · 17/12/2023 10:43

Do you get breaks from the kids?

Yes, we try to take breaks in turns.

OP posts:

Scarletttulips · 17/12/2023 10:49

My husband used to do this. I found it incredibly selfish of him.

You have to stand your ground.

Original poster

ATouchTooMuch · 17/12/2023 10:51

Cheeesus · 17/12/2023 10:45

What does you getting stressed look like?

Usually either busying myself in something- cleaning etc or dissociating/ emotionally disconnecting from what's going on.

I wanted to keep this thread a bit neutral because this always derails it but the DC are severely disabled and extremely hard work / loud / chaotic if I'm honest.

OP posts:

Original poster

ATouchTooMuch · 17/12/2023 10:52

Scarletttulips · 17/12/2023 10:49

My husband used to do this. I found it incredibly selfish of him.

You have to stand your ground.

Did you get him to stop?? I can't get mine to stop, I think he thinks it's the height of caring but it's not if the person in question doesn't like it!!

OP posts:

Mumof1andacat · 17/12/2023 10:53

Does he come right up to your face and ask/shout at you are you OK? This would be abuse surely

vanillaredbushtea · 17/12/2023 10:54

Mumof1andacat · 17/12/2023 10:53

Does he come right up to your face and ask/shout at you are you OK? This would be abuse surely

Yes is he actually in your face?

Do you ever get say an afternoon to yourself?

BabyYoshke · 17/12/2023 10:55

When not stressed out, could you say - sometimes it all gets a bit much for me and I just need some space. The most helpful thing you could do for me at these times is just back off and not talk to me for half an hour/ an hour (whatever). Asking me if I’m ok makes it worse. Do you think you could do that?

then next time he starts asking if you’re ok answer “This is one of the times when I need a bit of space”

Original poster

ATouchTooMuch · 17/12/2023 10:56

Mumof1andacat · 17/12/2023 10:53

Does he come right up to your face and ask/shout at you are you OK? This would be abuse surely

Not shouting. Hard to describe. Say the DC are being loud, and I've just cleaned up a big mess of theirs, and I sit on the stairs and start just trying to calm down, he'll crouch down, get close and try to put his arms round me, ask me if I'm OK several times, say soothing things. I ask him just to give me a minute and then the cycle repeats after a moment or two.

OP posts:

susiedaisy1912 · 17/12/2023 10:59

I can't decide if he's being genuinely caring or trying to patronise you op.

Curiosity101 · 17/12/2023 10:59

ATouchTooMuch · 17/12/2023 10:56

Not shouting. Hard to describe. Say the DC are being loud, and I've just cleaned up a big mess of theirs, and I sit on the stairs and start just trying to calm down, he'll crouch down, get close and try to put his arms round me, ask me if I'm OK several times, say soothing things. I ask him just to give me a minute and then the cycle repeats after a moment or two.

Show quote history

Assuming the best intentions and that he's genuinely trying to help then I think you need to communicate more clearly. You probably need to separate yourself physically.

"I need to take 10 minutes to decompress. Please look after the children, I will be in the bedroom. I'll be back as soon as I'm ready to talk, please don't come and check on me."

Then go to your room and close the door.

Original poster

ATouchTooMuch · 17/12/2023 10:59

A few months ago something nearly life or death happened to me, I came home absolutely shell shocked, I could barely speak. He was really good and said just go to bed for the afternoon but then kept crouching next to me and asking how I was. I get that he was worried but I thought it was pretty obvious how I was feeling.

OP posts:

LinguisticallyCunning · 17/12/2023 11:02

I would probably shout, "FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!!!!!!!" at him 😂 Dh and I have been stressing this week and he knows to just leave me be if he doesn't want me to bite his head off!

Curiosity101 · 17/12/2023 11:05

ATouchTooMuch · 17/12/2023 10:59

A few months ago something nearly life or death happened to me, I came home absolutely shell shocked, I could barely speak. He was really good and said just go to bed for the afternoon but then kept crouching next to me and asking how I was. I get that he was worried but I thought it was pretty obvious how I was feeling.

So in this situation...

Focus on being clear about what you need.

"Thank you. You're right, I do need some time alone, I'll come out as soon as I'm ready. You don't need to check on me, I want to be alone until I'm ready"

It's hard, cause we often don't know what we need in the moment. But over time, assuming he's genuinely caring, it should improve.

WorriedMum231 · 17/12/2023 11:08

ATouchTooMuch · 17/12/2023 10:51

Usually either busying myself in something- cleaning etc or dissociating/ emotionally disconnecting from what's going on.

I wanted to keep this thread a bit neutral because this always derails it but the DC are severely disabled and extremely hard work / loud / chaotic if I'm honest.

Show quote history

I do this but I’m autistic and my partner is probably just showing a normal level of concern which I find highly irritating because I’m decompressing.

He is really starting to learn about me and make changes, I’m very lucky.

Mummyofthewildones · 17/12/2023 11:08

I get that it is frustrating for you but it sounds like he genuinely gives a fuck and that's to be commended!! Maybe at a quiet point when you are not stressed you could have a chat about the best ways to help when he sees you at the end of your tether. Frustrating as it sounds, it's really nice that he obviously cares.

Damnedidont · 17/12/2023 11:10

Pick a quiet moment sitting down and tell him how much you appreciate his concern for you but that you really need space when you are feeling stressed and when you are ready to receive comfort you will go to him. Maybe suggest a cue word you can say to remind him when you feel he's crowding you?

Workway · 17/12/2023 11:30

Give him a task to do.

"Thank you. It would really help me if you could break down the boxes in the garage". Could you go and clean the bathroom? Could you go put petrol in the car.

Thank you. I'm ok. It would really help me if - insert task that will take him out of the room for 10-20 minutes.

All I'd say though is - be careful what you wish for. I know it's difficult in the moment to manage someone else's misplaced kindness but the opposite is - they feel rejected and stop offering their kindness at all.

So thank him and give him a job.