AIBU to expect some attention on my birthday?

[AlbatrosStrike]

We are usually low key when it comes to birthdays. However, I always try to make the day special for dh. I bake a cake, get him a present and plan a meal out/activity.

Dh doesn’t make an effort unless he’s told to. He usually asks me to buy my own gift or tell him in advance exactly what I want, won’t get flowers unless I ask, there won’t be a cake unless I buy/make it myself and no meal out unless I organise it. It’s the same for anniversaries.

On my last birthday I didn’t do any of these things. Dh wished me happy birthday in the morning and there was no mention of it for the rest of the day. We cleaned together, then I cooked and took our dc out while he watched TV.

I don’t mind the lack of gift. He did ask, but I couldn’t think of anything I really needed and didn’t want to waste money. What bothers me is the lack of effort to make my day special. I would have been happy with a takeaway and a supermarket cake.

He’s a great dad, helps around the house and says he loves me. But he will generally take the path of least resistance and make things as easy as possible for himself unless pushed. I know that if I’d asked him to get me flowers and a cake he would have, but should I have to ask?

AIBU to be upset about this?

That’s lazy and rubbish. Tell him that next year you want a cake and a takeaway without asking. Explain how you are feeling.

Happy Birthday! It’s my birthday too. December birthdays suck.

Yanbu. Your dh should have gotten something

I think you need to be clear. "You want me to tell you exactly what I want so here it is; some effort and thoughtfulness from you "

Yep what @Stupidliefromfriend said

Happy birthday to you too!

I agree about December birthdays. At least I stopped the ‘you’re not getting anything for Christmas because you already had a gift for your bday’ nonsense early on 😅

Yes. It would be nice if he organised something without being told but this is not going to happen so say 'I expect a cake, 2 presents, a card from the kids and something nice for tea' may as well set the bar higher! And then fingers crossed you will get at least some of the things.

Time to stop acknowledging his birthday apart from a "happy birthday" comment then.

Yes you need to be clear and communicate what you want from him is some thoughtfulness.

We are usually low key when it comes to birthdays. However, I always try to make the day special for dh. I bake a cake, get him a present and plan a meal out/activity.

if your birthday was recent, Tell him you’ll give him a chance to organise a late birthday celebration so he doesn’t wiggle out of it for another year.

If he doesn’t, or doesn’t agree to an effort from now on you need to stop doing this. Even if he wasn’t into birthdays himself the fact he allows you to do all this without reciprocating is shocking. Even if a friend or family member let alone a life partner treated me on each birthday, I couldn’t imagine just ignoring theirs year after year whether I was into birthdays or not. If your partner says birthdays are important, you should make theirs important to you too. I can’t understand when people let this go on for so long. I have a friend been with her partner for 15 years and never had a birthday or Christmas present and rarely gets a Valentine’s or mothers Day gift. I know it bothers her but she won’t say to her partner.

What would his reaction be if you made the same amount of error on his birthday? Would he be upset/disappointed?

I tried to explain but then he gets defensive and upset with himself for not thinking about it on the day. Then I feel like it’s up to me to make him feel better and not make a big deal out of it. I don’t want to deal with all that either.

Hes not going to change. I'd just plan something special for myself or with friends and I definitely wouldn't do anything special for his. He's obviously not bothered OP.

Happy birthday.

He’s not that bothered tbf. He had a milestone birthday recently and I offered to organise a party and he refused.

However, I always do the cake and present. I feel like it’s rude not to and he seems to enjoy those.

What is it about birthdays that requires such a fuss? Everyone alive has a birthday, nothing special about you, me, jane bloggs, cher, or anyone else.
Why does everyone want validation that they are 'special'?

He gets defensive and upset so you have to comfort him for not buying you a present, do you know how toxic that is?

Newsflash: people are not all the same.

Happy birthday, OP. That would bother me too.

And it's not about 'validation that they are special', it's about someone's loved ones letting them know they are cared about. Imo anyway.

Not even a card?
Miserable pig.
Happy Birthday from me.

However, I always do the cake and present. I feel like it’s rude not to and he seems to enjoy those.

how sad that he wouldn’t reciprocate then if he enjoys it for himself.

But he will generally take the path of least resistance and make things as easy as possible for himself unless pushed.

What a BS excuse you make for him op. How do you even think he's a great person. Showing you zero effort is your bar? What do you do for his birthday? Go all out I assume? That's why he thinks he can be. Shit partner and it's all ok because you accept it. Don't do anything for him going forward - take the path of 'least resistance' too with him about everything.

If it’s important to you then it should be important to him as your husband. It should matter to him that you are sad. It should matter to him enough to do something about it- but it doesn’t.
i don’t think he is this great guy at all.
It’s not as if you are asking for anything outrageous here. The fact that he is not bothering and then blaming you and making you feel shit because he is upset is really bad.

Next time he asks you what you want for your birthday say what you REALLY REALLY REALLY want is for him to make your birthday special WITHOUT asking you to do it all and that it is important that he shows he cares about you rather than taking the easy, lazy way out every time.

Who hurt you so much that you cannot fathom why it might be nice to celebrate someone you love on their birthday?

He's one of the good guys. Tell him exactly what you want and if he still doesn't try then don't bother with his birthday either. My DH and I only bothered as a good example to the kids tbh.